Just Listen

"... But what a fool believes... he sees. No wise man has the power to reason away. What seems to be... is always better than nothing. There's nothing at all."

-The Doobie Brothers What A Fool Believes

"And I step outside and say 'Hey!!!!'

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!

In the background my parents TV droned at 7pm... A catchy, thriller-like intro to the special report being broadcast on CNN tonight. An enthusiastic newscaster, I imagine being filmed in front of the White House, begins reporting on how he will be covering the story on the dilemma in Washington and the Clash of the Parties and the debt ceiling crisis!!! Doesn't that sound so...Hollywood? Who the Hell thought that up? Another voice then took over and more matter of factly explained that the special would cover how the Congress and Senate work, while focusing on the debt ceiling issue. And so it begins... as the distraction yammers behind me and continues to trip up my spelling for some reason, I listen to cued music as scenes and cuts are introduced and faded out. I'm hearing those scary words like "Teaparty" "Republicans" and "Liberals." People are being interviewed, and as I briefly left the room to check on my spelling of "factly" I caught the nicely laid out newscast with clear pictures aimed toward pertinent points, fade ins and outs of information and computer graphics.

Suddenly people are asking the public questions like, "Are you well taken care of?" Excuse me? Would someone remind me the last time "they" asked the public that question? In some brief research, it would seem that CNN tries to be pretty even and they aren't a channel that particularly sides with a party; their stories and interviews truly do appear to be about reporting the news, yet it would seem no one can escape Big Brother, even if you're trying to play fair.

What do I mean? Oh? Well... As this Debt Ceiling thing is a very big deal and very real, it's also a little... Staged? Of course, CNN and its producers have had several weeks to gather their information and put together a well informed newscast, but something about their immediacy in reporting makes me wonder. They are reporting on some events that have only just occurred. How could they put all of this together so quickly? Oh, wait! I know!! You don't record everything all at once and can cut and splice different interviews and pieces in later. Well... While, the latter is true, there is still something just a little fishy. (Praise Scooby Doo for putting that word into my vocabulary at the age of 6!)

It's hard for me to admit that I may possibly be over the fence when it comes to being a conspiracy theorist, but in my own defense, I really just think it's being a cautious realist :D Maybe I see things through a darker lens, but so many of the "newscasts" of my adult life have turned into farces. Not even "turned into," but are... So my point?

It all just always seems too well placed. There is some issue that comes to a crescendo and gets us all riled up (so "they" hope)and the news blows it up and the Twitter Whale pops up because everyone is tweeting and Facebook is boring because everyone is talking about this HUGE thing!!!! and then... it's gone. And it quiets down a bit and then the music crescendos again. No sooner does one disaster end that another one begins.

My favorite bumper-sticker EVAR: "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention."


PEACE ;)

"They Say Music Can Alter Moods And Talk To You"

All these buckets of rain, I've heard enough about. You say that I lied.
I am a gentleman didn't I ask for a place I could stay? What were we both thinking?
The next part just got in the way. You were just always talking about changing.
What if I was the same then, the same I always was?
All these things that you say, like I'll forget about the mind-numbing games that you play.
I am a gentleman, didn't I pay for every laugh every dime, every bit every time and then you feed me some line.
I won't hear one more word about changing.
Guess what I am the same man, same that I've always been.

Days pass and turn into weeks, when we don't even speak. We just lay wide awake and pretend we're asleep.
You go home alone and you're checking your phone and you're looking at me like I'm something you own.

All these buckets of rain, you can't forget about it, you say I never tried.
I am a gentleman, didn't I answer every time that you call, pick you up when you fall
But you never listen at all
You were just always talking about changing.
Guess what I am the same man.

(The Airborne Toxic Event - "Changing")

OMFG!!!

WOW! I wish that was a wow that said "I just had the most amazing sexual experience of my life" but instead... it's a wow where your mouth is left hanging open and you can't form words. I wish I could say I'm gaping because I just saw 15 shootings stars happen all at the same time, but I'm gaping because the past 5 hours have spun me right 'round...

Out of all the talking and crying and feelings of the past week today was a really excellent day. I woke up deciding I needed to just get on with life and I showered and made plans. I saw a dear friend whom I have missed more than I realized and am so very thankful for the positive, nurturing energy I felt from her home and presence. I was hesitant to drive in the rain....

Out of sheer surprise I later happened upon old friends as they were celebrating a little bit of West Virginia Day; drinking, smoking, making pepperoni rolls and watching the infamous Jesco White and Family.

Then some God or some Fate or some wacky ass aligned planet decided to remind me of where I am in my life and turn a great day back into shit. Car accident number 3 in a period of 2 months.... I'm not an idiot. I wasn't under any influence. I wasn't tired. I wasn't on the phone. I stopped at a stop sign, looked both ways and on a dark night and unfamiliar street, I thought I was at a 4 way stop. I looked and didn't see traffic and proceeded through the intersection. Apparently I didn't look close enough. I was struck by another vehicle which I immediately thought had run a sign. I was told later that was incorrect and it was my failure to yield. If things couldn't get any worse, good cops turned into bad cops and I'm awake at 7am, having not slept,waiting on a phone call from my sister because she has connections in the jail system... Obviously I'm not in jail, but we'll just leave it at that. So here I am again, no car, still no money and just...shock. I wish I could disclose some of the other events that have made this evening very, very lucky, but also very fucked up, but I am not comfortable doing so in this space.

Even typing out this story... suddenly it's like my life has turned into a movie. This shit isn't supposed to happen in real life. I have been grieving over my life situation. I believe I have noted that in previous, recent posts. If anything could make me cry, I should have come "home" and burst into tears, but I didn't. I laid on the couch in complete silence for an hour just staring. I then flipped channels for about 10 minutes and finally decided to watch something on netflix so my mind wouldn't wonder. In fact, I really can't believe I didn't flip out. I can't believe I'm writing this and being so rational. I can't fathom telling my parents I wrecked a rental car that I was renting because MY car is in the shop from an accident a month ago... I can't even guess at their response. I've always been the "non trouble maker kid" and here I am tied up in some crazy shit.

*******

I really don't know what else to say except. Family is... amazing. And that is a lack of terminology. My sister has surprised me. I am impressed and proud of her. She is smart and calculating; a problem solver. Why does it sometimes take insane circumstances to pull people together? I love my family. We are... "good people." I wouldn't change one thing. I am proud that I have come from a home of thinking, motivated, caring, gentle, understanding people. My sister can often come off aloof. Her initial demeanor can seem a bit cool and judgmental, but tonight she has proven me wrong. She is as caring as I am - she just doesn't wear her feelings on her sleeve as much ;)

I haven't eaten since 6pm and it's 715am. I'm so hungry. Now... I'm actually starting to get sleepy. I think from 2am until now I've been on a nutso adrenaline rush. The circumstances should lead me to be angry and outraged. They should lead me to be scared and worried, but I'm not. I'm scratching my head on that one. Maybe somehow (oddly enough) I realize it won't help anything. Why can't I always be this calm and rational?

All of these events that have happened as of late... I feel like they are telling me something or leading me to something. What am I supposed to see? I'm certainly not "rock bottom" but in the world I'm accustomed to, I feel like that's pretty much where I am. 31 years old, living with my parents, no job, income or car and 3 wrecks in 2 months... That's not really all that is it? When did my life get complicated? When do I catch a break? Where do I go from here? I feel like I've got all these signs, but I can't read them for a damn. Should I type Help with a period or Help with a question mark?

A Wind Storm

I always have this problem of wanting to say 15 things at once. Where do I begin… I think I have a boyfriend. I mean, he’s not calling it that, but he’s not arguing with the title either and has been very “boyfriendish” in nature as of late. I see this as a small victory. I see little flags (he knows what that visual should be). I’ve heard I shouldn’t “put up with that” for whatever that means and OMG I suddenly take a hit and forget how to type what is that?! So… (I had to hit backspace like 5 times up there) I’m actually pretty proud of myself for holding onto my good mood I had upon leaving and what has transpired over the past several hours. I really hate outside influence. I’m happy. I am content with my situation as it is. I need not justify that to anyone, yet people challenge me to do so. I shouldn’t have to defend my choices. I’m a grown woman. If I choose to be chaotic neutral… so be it :D Grrrr… I’m just frustrated. I have a whirlwind of crazy feelings inside right now. I have a clusterfuck of possibilities. Hahaha…old joke: Me and old friends termed “clusterfuck” a nautical term. It just seems appropriate for something that would happen on a boat in the ocean.

So yah, you see I’m all over the place. I just had to make a conscious decision to start a new paragraph. I bought a book the other day God is Not Great – Christopher Hitchens. See, this is the lovely thing about the internet. I just typed a name of a book and an author and there you are…someone… even only my 4 followers, but there you are reading along and blam! Information! Perhaps I have piqued your curiosity. What is this book and its subject matter? Perhaps you read my previous post and wandered through the interwebz to find the doorway to Machine-Gun Shatner. The internet; a string of ideas and information linking each other… We could start a revolution this way ;) (I just backspaced the phrase “So yah” because I realize I’m a little stoned and keep typing it.) My book is here in bed with me. I’d like to read a little before I snooze, but it is very engrossing as far as making me think, so it might not be the best choice for sleep… we’ll see.

****I just had to text Hal to tell him something about a student I just remembered that he would find amusing to say the least…

This is definitely stream of consciousness – I volunteer to be used as a class example! I’m upside down. Isn’t that a song…”…boy you turn me inside out…?” Yah, it’s like that. Love is a powerful emotion. Well, let’s not even think of it as an emotion. As a human quality, “love” is something we experience. In this case I speak of love as that for another person in the romantic sense. (that’s a shitty sentence but I’m too lazy to fix it. Deal) In the time that Dante wrote The Inferno and later also during Shakespeare’s time, love truly was seen as a sickness. Passion means to suffer (in medieval times) "Romeo and Juliet" speaks to the very nature of how far “love sickness” can push one’s spirit. Dante loved Beatrice to the point that he would retch and lay for days in pain. What is this feeling that is so uncontrollable and unstoppable? It is dangerous. It is wild and painful and exhilarating. It is frightful! I wonder… does this sound so trite and cheesy? I am certainly not retching upon the floor or asking old men for potions that make me look dead even though I’m not. No… but I have to truly examine this whirling dervish of a feeling. It is quite maddening at times. I have no doubt my counterpart feels not the same way, but it is of no consequence. I’m built to love. Although I was attempting to tell my mother she needed to stop being so sensitive and toughen up a little… Nonetheless, she has nurtured me into a being that is also sensitive. This is a trait I have more recently tried to put on the back burner – it has its flaws. Back to the point, it really does just strike me as interesting that for example, everyone of any kind of authority in literature and intellectual circles makes an appearance in The Portable Atheist as for their comment on the matter. Concerning love, the same is true. Anyone of any authority intellectually, psychologically, in comedic circles and so forth has commented upon or attempted to make some understanding of love as humans feel it. I am not an authority. I just know what I feel.

***Sidenote – it’s a really cool thing to see someone right a wrong for your sake. I am not saying that quite the way I want as the above sounds somewhat insignificant, so maybe… Hmm? I notice everything. I came home tonight and noticed that the glass in the windows looked uber shiny. (the windows are usually kinda cloudy) Apparently my dad had a cleaning frenzy and cleaned windows. So… I notice everything. I notice when people change their behavior. I notice when people do things for me and I especially notice when people make improvements upon themselves and better themselves. I noticed I have a lot more courage than I thought. I noticed a lot of things this week. I noticed I’m smiling and happy right now. :D

The time off I have had lately has lent itself to time to think. In some ways that’s been good, and in some ways bad. Mostly good though. I’ve been introspective and just…taking things in. I’ve been pretty anxious about not exactly knowing where my life is headed, but I can’t help think I’m supposed to be doing what I’m doing right now. It all sort of clicks in a weird kind of way. That’s just bizarre.

180 *tires screech* Uh..yah, been doing lots of racing. It’s sort of weird that a video game is kinda like stuck in my head… but it’s a 180 because… I’m just sitting here grinning like a fool. I’m just really happy I have a friend that I can say with true conviction in every sense of the word is my best friend. That’s like a beam of light shining through the shit that is life sometimes I love being bohemian. I really do think my spirit is from a different time… Goodnight world.

And my brain spills out...

I follow Chuck Palahniuk on twitter. I also follow Neil Gaiman. Sometimes Neil will answer back if I say stuff to him which is pretty damn cool. I’m not sure I’ve attempted this with Chuck. Anway (yeah, like we’re on a first name basis) the point is, I have a minor obsession with Fight Club. Like really. It’s always in my head; the philosophies presented and many quotes therein swirl around my consciousness. It makes sense to me. I remember one time, either here or maybe in another space I wrote “You have to give up.” A fellow reader responded with, “that must have been such a hard lesson to learn.” Well… yah, it is I guess, but it makes sense. Durden/Palahaniuk (s) philosophy make so much logical sense to me. Of course you have to give up! Is it a hard lesson to learn? Honestly, I guess it is, but there is something kind of rewarding in letting go. I’ve gotten away from “letting go” and maybe I should revisit that.

********

I’m listening to birds chirp. Leftover early morning rain drip from the eves. The leaves on the trees are doing a gentle warm-up as the occasional breeze passes by and the air I breathe is warm and thick as the day is shaping up to be hot and swamp-like. I could never live in Florida. Give me 76 to 85 with sunshine and a breeze – cool at night. That’d be the spot.

So… it’s weird that I wake up with my mind so full. I’m not entirely sure why even. The last time I was home I was feeling very aimless and uncertain. Honestly, that hasn’t improved much. Previously I was able to wrap my brain around some goals and start trying to make things happen. It’s rather frustrating if you think about it. From kindergarten through 12^th grade, for 13 years you know exactly what you will be doing. You get up you go to school, maybe you run track or play in the band. You go to practice; you do homework and hang out with friends. Summer comes and goes and you know that in the Fall you’ll go back to school. As a senior you know (as most people now choose) that the next step is deciding where to go to college, so senior year is filled with applications and visits and narrowing down choices. You look forward to graduation and then phase 2 begins: college. For four more years your life is mapped out. You go to a university and do your thing and if you don’t flunk out, you live your life by semesters. Senior year of college approaches and here you are sending out job applications, worrying about gpa and class standing and really ready to be done with school. This is when life would seem to get a little tricky because now it’s been 17 years of knowing exactly what your next move will be (maybe not exactly, but a pretty good idea of where you are and what you’re doing) Finally, you graduate college and unless you got lucky and landed a job before completion or very quickly thereafter, your mapped out life is now a bit aimless. You work a bullshit job at a bar or retail shop. You do whatever to pay the bills. Maybe it’s nice for a while because you have some cash and you can party and have a good time and not worry about studying, but… eventually, something starts to creep along. Maybe you’ve been single for longer than you’d like. Maybe working 2 and 3 jobs at a time is starting to wear you down. Maybe you’re tired of the randomness and need a little structure. Whatever it is Tyler Durden is right when he says, “I’m a 30 year old boy.” Womanly in nature and attitude, I still often feel like a kid playing at a grown up game.

My life is unstructured. I bought a car a year and a half ago that has already been beat to shit. About 4 months ago I felt like I was working my ass off, but unrewarding work that had no future bearing on my life it would seem. I’m unemployed sitting at my parent’s house because there isn’t anywhere else for me to go. There is no point in me being at my “home” with no vehicle and no many. Isn’t this kinda pathetic? My mind bend sometimes and there is no direction in my life. I’ve applied for unemployment and I’ve put in applications, and the theme of my life for the past 2 years has just been WAIT. When will my patience run out? What am I waiting for? I’ve never been a “lucky” person so I’m not exactly banking on some amazing event happening. I met an amazing man and for one month I got to be a part of his life and world… but for what? One could argue that I look too hard for meaning in things, but really, what’s the point of life if you don’t find meaning and lessons in what you experience?

I moved for several reasons. Sitting around last night having dinner and watching the clientele, I moved because I needed to see something different. When I am in WV I notice the difference among people and realize why I enjoy a bigger city. I also moved because I feel like I was searching for something. That thing I am searching for, I’m not even sure what it is or if I have found it. Honestly, since I’m a little uncertain of what that search is about, it’s hard to say if I have found it, but I feel like probably not. I’m still searching. I’m seeking and looking and on the prowl… for something. Meaningful?

I took of Hiatus. And Now...

My brain has been in a weird place for most of the evening it would seem. I have sat and listened to the chatter of elders, sensing that no matter your age, parents can always make you feel like a child; to be seen, not heard. But while I listened to their idle conversations of work place drama and chaos, I just couldn’t help wanting more. I couldn’t help admonishing myself for thinking that thought. I just felt so out of place and that "out of placeness" is because my mind wants to talk about bigger issues than work place lollygagging.

I was writing in my head today in the shower and then I was dictating my writing and now finally… I’m writing because my mind, and my thoughts and my self…. needed to come back to this place. Sorry for the hiatus. I’ve been a little lazy - maybe even a little over-whelmed. I realized today that some of the things I think should be shared. Don’t get me wrong, not like my thoughts are anything special, but some information once obtained cannot be contained.

Up to this point my blog has been diary like in nature…

“Dear Diary,

Today I have decided my blog must take on a new shape. My thoughts are my feelings and my feelings are my thoughts. I think I’ve told you before, sometimes I just wish I didn’t think – or maybe just that feel part; it makes being logical so much harder to do and muddies things up. BUT anyway! A new shape. If what I feel is what I think, then I still must proclaim it here. Yes, I share my personal thoughts and feelings, my successes and my strife, but now, it’s time to put more energy here. There are thoughts which should be disseminated. There are ideas which must be linked and shared. I am obligated now. Somehow it’s like I took an accidental oath I cannot take back. I realize my tone is vague in this new formation I suggest…. So…”

The very thought of it make my breasts rise and fall as my breath increases. It is a peculiar, unnatural feeling the idea of “blood boiling,” but as my eyes are opened, I feel this ache in my stomach. I feel my heart pumping harder. I feel my lips curl up and turn, a classic gesture of disgust… I’m disgusted with what I see around me. I’m a disgusted that people choose NOT to be outraged. I am disgusted to know that the very reason I am often feel “left out” is because I don’t care about Britney Spears getting married or the girl at the office that fucked someone… I love people. I love socializing, but I need to stimulate my brain, and when I can't find that in people I socialize with I often move along. I’m by no means saying I am better than anyone else or above socializing with any entity of people, but I much prefer and enjoy conversations which involve talking about issues that matter. I like to tackle the sticky stuff. I don’t like to really play it safe. Discussing the newest Jersey Shore or score in what the hell ever wack sport is kinda purposeless to me. Yes, these things are entertaining, but I really need to begin shouting: WHY AREN’T PEOPLE PAYING ATTENTION!!!!

As I was dictating this afternoon, I said I would dedicate this sort of change of subject matter to someone, but I’m not sure that attention was really well received. Yes or no, I still make that dedication. Roll with me… an example… Morpheus says to Neo, something like: “You’ve sense it your whole life. You know it, but you don’t know what it is. Something different…” So when it comes to this “eye opening,” I’m like Neo. I’ve sensed it. I’ve always looked around and noticed lots of inconsistencies in the world. I’ve noticed that what I’ve learned, and what I believe and what I’ve been taught doesn’t match up with the way it is. I’ve stated here before I’m especially sensitive to feeling. I’m sponge-like to emotion. So what I’ve always sensed is fakeness in politicians and most people in power. I’ve learned to be cautious and a little untrusting, but at the same time, uncertain of what I felt this way. I’m not as well learned as my follower Wrench6. I read when I have time and try to do more than “sense” the weird wrinkles I feel in the fabric of this world. So as I said previous, I’m obligated now. If you float over to Wrench’s blog you are likely to fall a victim to this oath of obligation unwittingly as I have. That is my dedication ;)

I am not complaining though – It truly is necessary to take up the charge of doing a bit of editorial work. I don’t know that I can actual even begin to educate myself to the extent of Hals’ knowledge. All of the information out there and all of the catching up is almost daunting. I also am not sure I could consume myself with it so regularly because I can’t feel that type of anger regularly. Oh? You feel confused when I say angry? You may wonder what the hell I’m talking about that could make me this angry… Oh… If you would just allow yourself to see; you’ll know anger too and you should! So, I guess this is an introduction. I almost feel like I have to take a deep breath and get ready! Oh boy… stay tuned.

Beautiful and Brutal

The Cave - Mumford and Sons

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

Because I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down

You can understand dependence

When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Because I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

15 At Once Happens Often

****WARNING**** This is some very sporadic thinking!!!

I want to shout, exclaim, pronounce, confess!!! Like, 15 things all at the same time! It is so lovely to see people out and about. Girls in flip-flops and cute springy tops and guys wearing hats and sunglasses; the blare of a motorcycle engine in the distance...

I had one of those mornings where I woke up sad. Not depressed, not tired, not wanting to sleep more, but just sad. So I went back to sleep for a bit to try it again. When I woke up the 2nd time it still didn't fix it. In fact the gloom that seemed stuck to me was thicker and weirder and it's that kind of day when I usually wake up super happy and energetic because before I even open my eyes, my body knows the sun is shining and it's warm. Those days make me especially happy. That should have happened today.

People are wearing green. It's so cute. People just look happy today. That makes me FEEL so much better. The negative energy of the past few days has been sticking to me like glue. It's in my subconscious. It's a taste in my mouth. It's been itching me. I am fascinated by the fact that 5 minutes in the sunshine drastically improved my mood. Oh, how science is fascinating! Perhaps because I cannot remember if I took my medicine last night or not, or maybe because I did and I'm still just melancholy, but to think that a chemical, vitamin D from the sun, was absorbed into my skin, which triggered my brain to produce more serotonin, which in turn improved my mood in a matter of five minutes is really fantastic in its design!! To see science work... Amazing.

But maybe it's this cheesy, corny music starbucks is playing. Or maybe it's also my extroverted nature that truly has a need for human interaction. Hal says I get trapped in my head sometimes, but it's by accident. I don't get alone time much. When I do, I enjoy it, but somehow I also slip into a place where I kinda get trapped. I had to convince myself to go be around people today. I'm not sure why I had to convince myself. I guess... I knew it would make me feel better. Funny, how that love hate relationship with solitude exists in my world. Funny how I have a love hate relationship with other human beings too.

My brain is all over the place. I'm desperately hoping that from 4-11 I can keep this mood and not let the extreme displeasure I have with my night job overshadow that which is good...

I began by saying I wanted to say so many things... yes. My melancholy mood may have also been born of dreams of insecurity. Dreams of people whom I have not thought of in some time, but it isn't the person...it's about what they represented. It would seem that when I get lonely, my mind drifts to times in my life when I wasn't. I remember and recall (subconsciously apparently) those times that I felt total security in a relationship. I miss being loved that way.

WHOA! I digress! I just saw someone with a pager! Did I enter a time warp?

Anyway... a time when I remember being genuinely happy in a relationship. Days like today remind me of Ted, but it's what they represent. A perfection in a relationship. A true and carefree happiness. I feel a little hole in my heart today... not really sure why, but maybe simply missing someone can do that to you. I become distracted by hustle and bustle of students... I wonder if the guy next to me can read my face the way I know I could read his if I were watching him type this.... I also forgot I met him at an English Dept event and he has an old english passage tattooed on his inner arm. I forget what it says, but that's kinda nerdy hot, but not so much on him :( I can feel my muscles relax as I recall happiness and my brows furrow as my mind goes back to that "trapped" place.

I don't buy into the fairy-tale relationship thing... I am a realist, but it is an inherent part of my being to love. I have posted so many times about how I feel in this world. I miss giving someone all my love. I miss receiving it. I grow greedy as sometimes spurts aren't enough... I continue to watch life unfold though. I know that I can change my course as I choose...

I think it's time to go back into the sunshine....

The Healing Powers Of Cannabis :b

This is just interesting... I find the stereotype annoying that the only people who want to legalize pot are the people who are "stoners." Even if you're not a pot smoker, there are many logical things about the "legalize" argument that can't be denied. Aside from the fact that you could write an entire scholarly essay on the Cannabis/Alcohol comparison, which I don't really plan to do here, it still stands that many of the statistic and numbers in that argument are highly relevant to the pro-pot argument. Really, my current thought is the following:

I've been reading and learning a lot about different 9/11 "conspiracies" which should really be called other sides to the story. (lame) And what is so intriguing is watching pieces click into place. There are so many more things tied into that event that go along with other problems in our country. Each thing is somehow related to the other. Economic situations, housing crash, pharmaceuticals, aggressive media, "enforced security" and the government... they all touch... So, how does this relate to pro-pot? Well... because it's in that bubble too.

I take an anxiety/depression medication daily. I will mostly likely do so for the rest of my life. I also take advil regularly albeit it for a headache, muscle pain/cramp or menstrual pain. I will occasionally take tums to relieve indigestion or upset stomach. Most people rely on OTC's daily. Doctors and pharmaceutical companies make millions selling many different types of drugs to this country. As a society, we have become more and more dependent on prescriptions and OTC's to alleviate our every ailment. So... here's the funny thing.

Headache - tension, menstrual, or vascular. Cannabis relieves most headaches. (I am a migraine sufferer and it is not always effective there, but most definitely for tension headaches and hormonal)

Stomach Pain - because the muscles in the stomach are what are called "smooth muscles" cannabis seems to have "calming" features on these muscles, allowing them to relax, which then lessens most stomach pain. Because the muscles are tensed during stomach pain, relaxing them and the surrounding tissue, also can allow for gas to pass through the system more easily, which often goes along with indigestion.

Menstrual Pain: Most women experience cramps through their cycle. Like the stomach muscles, the muscles around the uterus and in the lower abdomen are also smooth and respond/relax with medicine which relieves tension. Medicines like advil and even midol have analgesic effects, while midol also contains prostaglandin inhibitors. Still, neither medication seems to have the same effects as cannabis, as it is fast acting and lasting in its effects on menstrual cramps.

Mood Stablizer: For many people I have met and spoken to, cannabis acts as an effect mood stabilizer. There are a plethora of anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, anti-don't go the fuck over the edge pills, and I feel that I am a good candidate for saying that they do work usually. Still though, there is a naturally occuring plant that has the same effects. While pot can and does sometimes make one sleepy, or "comfortable" that is not always the outcome. Usually, the body is already in that state and the inhalation of cannabis has simply intensified those feelings. As far as mood stabilizing, especially for those who suffer anxiety, pot has the ability to just sort of slow you down a bit. It can help focus and concentration. It sort of removes a layer of film if you would and allows a peacefulness and calmness.

So... in a nutshell, while it's an argument made 10x over, the facts cannot be denied. With pot, ONE drug, you get headache relief, stomach relief, menstrual relief and a mood stabilizer. One drug. People are making a lot of money on A LOT of drugs to combat the 4 symptoms I have just outlined. In fact, there are probably many other ailments for which pot relieves symptoms, these are simply ones I have observed and/or experienced myself.

I'm not really a bandwagon person. I still won't go attend a picket line to legalize pot, but as one who recognizes logical argument, the reasons for its prohibition are wrapped up within the many other "conspiracies" within our government. Really, it's just about people staying rich and in control ;)

When Everyone else is Getting Outta Bed I'm usually Getting In It

Ya know... I started writing last night and was apparently to tired to type. I didn't realize it was possible, but it was like I couldn't make my fingers move to the right places on the keyboard and I just gave up. I was in the middle of being very thoughtful and academic too! Maybe I will finish that post this weekend.

So I love this Train song "If It's Love." It's so happy... He has clever lines, I love "...remember Winger? I digress. I confess you are the best thing in my life." Yes! I remember Winger. :) But... it made me think. I am and have been and often write about how my life has taken on transformations and changes in the past 10 years. I am not the same person today as I was when I was 20. I have grown so much as a person. I have learned so much. It's funny that little saying about mind over matter. I truly have to pat myself on the back because in some regard, I have done things I didn't think I could do.

Although it may seem insignificant, for as long as I can remember I have bitten my nails. I "quit" about 2 summers ago, but when they started to break and become jagged I gave up. This past fall I finally made the decision to quit. This is something I never thought I would achieve, but I just got tired of my nails and hands always looking so rough and damaged. I made up my mind to end it and I did. I haven't bitten my nails since at least September. They grow very slow and are not "long" but they are strong and healthy and make my hands look nicer. I file them and trim my cuticles and take better care of them....

So, there is a connection here. I'm partaking in mind over matter. This week, not because I'm worried about bathing suit season or because I care what people think I look like.... I decided I really need to get healthy with my weight and eating habits. The one man who ever sees me disrobe doesn't seem to have complaints, but I need to love me too. I don't dislike my body, but it dawned on me last week when my feet were miserably hurting after work. I realized that if I were lighter then they wouldn't hurt as much. I also realized that I must be carrying around more weight than usual because in previous months/days my feet had not hurt as badly. So, mind over matter. I've completely revamped my eating habits this week as well as exercise regime. I'm going to keep it up and hope that it pays off... we'll see...

I'm not sure what the sudden motivation is... maybe it's knowing warm weather is coming, but I'm also motivated to really just make my life what I want it to be. Now, comes the connection to the Train song. No, not everyone has a boyfriend so sweet as to write such a romantic song, but I'm just over being dissatisfied. I'm seeing some light and starting to get impatient with being a pseudo/half a girlfriend. I really just want someone to love me. I don't want someone to change me or demand my time and force me conform to unrealistic expectations. I want true happiness with a partner. I'm not concerned with romance so much as a true connection. I want someone to look forward to seeing me and talking to me. I want someone to ask me questions and be interested in my life. I want to give all I have and know that it's appreciated.

With the 2 men that I have met here that have shown any remote interest, I have found bad luck. This worries me in some ways because it makes me fearful that all people are this way. Realistically and unfortunately, it is true that most people are self-serving lumps of clay sucking up the oxygen of those of us who give a shit, but... *sigh* I just wish I could meet someone who loved the gifts I have to give. I need congruency. I want to hear that puzzle piece click. I'm not complicated. I'm so straightforward (something I have had to learn to be) and I don't bullshit anyone. I'm not a kid. I'm going to be 31 in less than a month. I want to share my life with someone that wants it. I'm ready for that. I want someone to tell me they are addicted to loving me. I want someone to miss me even if they just saw me 2 hours ago. Really... I just need to be appreciated. That's all I really want.

"Love, love got to have something to keep us together."

Get Gone - Fiona Apple

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I'm not turned-on
So put away that meat you're selling
'cause I do know what's good for me-
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go-
'cause I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead
I'm sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me!!!

Refreshing Response

A good friend had the following question posted on Facebook today: "Have you always been happy/enjoyed living? Or was it a process you went through?"

I responded with "Hell ya." Upon this response I quickly received a message asking me to elaborate on my response. I sort of surprise myself with the positive attitude contained within my reply. It is not a place I have always been so I congratulate myself on a good 5 - 6 years of progress.

hey kate! have you always been happy/enjoyed living? or was it a process you went through?
im so glad you are!

Kate Jordan February 7 at 4:50pm

Oh, for me personally... it's been a process. I remember a good friend of mine a few years back... I was about 23 or so and she was a good bit older. She told me, "There comes a time, when you reach a certain age where you're over the bullshit and you don't care what people think and you just live." Granted, that doesn't happen for everyone, but after I turned about 26 I started seeing the world much differently. I guess really... hahaha. I got over myself. When you're young, you're so concerned about social norms and fitting in that to think of other's or put other's before you would be a chore. (My observation is that most younger people/16+ act a such) When you're young you concern yourself with you.

I was never much for groups that gossiped or such and I always pretty much marched to my own drum, but it wasn't until I'd been through some pretty rough times and eye opening experiences that I really started to appreciate the world and just live in it. So while i've always been happy for the most part, I think it's been a process getting to a place of "ultimate" happiness. It's still a process. Everyday I learn something new that shapes my life. That's the way to live :)

Man, hombre, un homme: Man The Fuck Up!

I need to get this out. Aside from the fact that I was in a car accident, and ran out of gas, the one thing that is irking me is the stupidity of the opposite sex. And really, it's not even the stupidity as I don't want to classify the entire male population, but really GUYS - we can tell the difference between boys and men, at least this woman can.

Observe a scenario: Dressed smartly and looking elegant yet sexy, a girl goes into work to check her schedule for the next day. Upon her arrival her excited friend greets her "You'll never believe this. A guy left his number for you!" The girl is somewhat dumbfounded yet pleasantly surprised. She secretly hopes it is the man she has been interested in as of late who has frequented the establishment, as they have exchanged some flirty/interested-type conversations. Although not her secret hope, she is still flattered to learn that another gentleman had taken notice of her and was courageous enough to take a chance, by attempting to to describe himself to said friend and leave his number. The girl sticks the slip of paper, "Chris - security guard/cheese fries" in her pocket, converses with her friends and goes home. She walks down the street considering her choices in the matter. She contemplates calling a friend for advice. She scrolls through her list of friends, imagining what each one would say. She puts the notion out of her head until she arrives home. Later in the evening she pulls the slip of paper from her coat pocket. She re-reads the short note and desperately tries to recall a face that goes with the name. So many people in such short amounts of time almost every day she goes to work... The name remains a name as no descriptors come to mind.

With a sense of urgency, she grabs her phone and quickly dials the number. It's as if she wants to punch it in before she loses her nerve. She is surprised when a reply text message comes through. There is short banter on memories and recollections. It brings a smile to her face to have taken the chance. Continuing down the path of spontaneity, the girl sees an opportunity, albeit assertive perhaps, to see the male and recall his face. Since she was getting ready to leave for the evening to take a class, she suggested they meet at her place of work for a drink. The male quickly sidesteps the suggestion, stating he would prefer to stay home for the evening. Talk continues and for a 2nd time in this short exchange the male makes a statement noting the females' lack of memory to his person.

THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD HERE THE RECORD SCREECH!!!

With embarrassment and slight annoyance, she again the nature of her job and attempts at an apology for not remembering his face. By giving the following response the male on the other end of the line has lost any chance of continued interest:

"If you're not into me or interested just tell me now."

Um... Ok. This is where the scenario ends. What the fuck is that?!! What is that part of the story?! It wasn't supposed to go like that. What is this obvious lack of self-esteem and bullshit stroke my ego? Men who do this to women on a first date, first meeting, first talking whatever...! They don't deserve a chance. Maybe that's harsh to some but that statement says so much to me. It tells me without even seeing a face, that I have no interest in that person. Although, not word for word, the above scenario is fact to fact. I cannot argue that the language implies interest as all the language is not present, but even with what is described, there is no reason for the male to respond with that statement. It is egotistical and even condescending. It implies insecurity and immaturity. I am not interested in boys. I'm not even interested in guys. I'm interested in MEN. I would love to have children some day. I will gladly and proudly raise them, but really... I'm over taking care of boys. Be a man. Rise to the challenge. Oh, and when I say "rise" goddamn I mean it ;) I don't have a lot of expectations. I try not to really. I try to just accept people for who and what they are, but I'm gonna break the rules here.

My expectation in a mate, a partner, my best friend: Be a man. Take care of you and your responsibilities. Be secure in yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. Stand tall. Stand for what you believe in. Treat me with respect. While respect can be earned, general, overall politeness separates men from douche-bags ;) Be straight. Don't play games. Allow me to support you, cheer you on and be your number one fan, but also, have enough self-confidence that you don't need me to be your number one fan. Attempt to balance pride and humbleness. (that's more of a preference thing) and I guess in a sense I could go on for days explaining what I think constitutes being a "man," but really it's about my annoyance with the lack of self-aware, self-confident, intelligent men. I'm so tired of talking to boys. I know a few men. I'm attracted to them because they are so. I'm kind of all about skip the bullshit and lets get down to it. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean "lets hop in the sack," but all the niceties, the courting, the "dating" phase. It's always the same. So... yah, skip the bullshit. Be a man. Put yourself out there. Take a chance. I'll be impressed if you can prove you have balls ;)

(And since I know no one that really matters in the big scheme of things is reading this, it's still suffice to say, it's how I feel and it's what annoys me about being single, yet at the same time almost makes me grateful I am.)

Can You Play Dumb So You Won't Be Smart?

That thing... that I talked about before, my curse and gift. Funny; sort of changes significance when you switch the word order. Really though, it's because sometimes I wish it away. It would seem that most archetypes of the "gifted" person often deny or shun their ability. I feel like that sounds wacky, like I have sonar hearing or can see the future, but like a superpower, or whatever original ability a person has, it seems at some point those people always love/hate their "power." I guess for me; I'm just tuned in . *shrug*

I'm built to feel. Do you how hard it is to walk through this world and be made this way? I don't mean for that to sound mellow-dramatic. It's just fucking annoying! It's not even because I care! I just feel what others feel. And I see their secrets.... sometimes. And I can't help it. I don't mean to. You would think by now I'd learn to never open my mouth when I can "see," but I do and then people don't understand. No one wants anyone else to see their inner thoughts. Suddenly, when someone tells us we are something other than our projected self, we (the universal we) panic! It's fight or flight. **I suddenly had the feeling that the sentence I just typed echooooeeeeddddd....

I truly suppose my blog here is named appropriately as people may very well conclude I am quite mad since I claim to be especially clairvoyant. Oh, but then I suppose it's really not any of my concern or inclination to give a damn what YOU think ;) (Sorry reader, the truth hurts).

I feel like randomly listing some things you should know about me, aside from my late night, often emotionally fueled ramblings here...

1. I'm a people-pleaser

2. While some derive pleasure from such things as shopping or watching sports, I derive pleasure from seeing the people I care for happy and content.

3. I enjoy giving. Not because I expect something in return, but it goes back to that pleasure in seeing other's happy thing.

4. Don't get me wrong. This isn't ALL people - maybe surface level happy, but I suppose I'm especially generous with my inner posse.

5. #2 and #3 are also strong reasons for why I'm a very sexual person and enjoy sex as an act. ;)

6. People often peg me for a push over

7. I pay attention to everything and have a pretty photographic memory.

8. I hate competition.

9. I hate when things are unresolved - "When somethin's broke I wanna put a bit of fixin' on it."

10. I don't give up when I believe in something

11. I think communication is one of the most important gifts humans have

12. I have spent more time with myself than most I think. I know why I do the things I do.

13. I can be inquiring to the point of annoyance, but only because learning leads to better understanding.

14. I AM NOT UNDER THE INFLUENCE WHILE TYPING THIS (although other posts vary)

15. I believe in keeping promises.

16. I believe loving someone means so much more than what the general populace does/believes

17. Romantic or not, I have fallen in love and out of love. That doesn't mean I stop trying when it breaks my heart.

...I pondered the other evening, "I am a night owl. Why is this?" I feel most comfortable in my day from 2pm-early morning. Even if I get up at 7am and have a full day... still I crawl into bed around 2am and find it rather peculiar to go to bed before 1030. I wonder... am I just wired to be more nocturnal? It is often frustrating that I am, as the night time is when emotions are more volatile. I feel as if I know myself well. As noted, I've spent a lot of time with me in the past 10 years. It really has been 10 years. Reshaping. Learning, growing, hammering away and chiseling to make a better me... truly. I feel like I know me so well, but maybe to an outsider I don't know me at all. What does it mean that I may even wonder what another thinks of me in such a way? It is the curse of Pisces to swim, swim, swim. Around in circles we go, indecisive always. Never sure of a decision because there are so many variations to consider.

Honey, Honey

This is simply beautiful. Take a listen on you tube or find on pandora.

By Feist

Honey honey up in the trees
Fields of flowers deep in his dreams
Lead them out to sea by the east
Honey honey food for the bees

Honey honey out on the sea
In the doldrums thinking of me
Me on dry land thinking of he
Honey honey not next to me

Even if he wanted to
Even if he wanted to
Even if he wanted to
Do you think he'd come back
Would he come back

Oh no..

Honey honey out on the sea
In the doldrums waiting for me
Me in my boat searching for he
Honey honey food for the bees