Out of all the talking and crying and feelings of the past week today was a really excellent day. I woke up deciding I needed to just get on with life and I showered and made plans. I saw a dear friend whom I have missed more than I realized and am so very thankful for the positive, nurturing energy I felt from her home and presence. I was hesitant to drive in the rain....
Out of sheer surprise I later happened upon old friends as they were celebrating a little bit of West Virginia Day; drinking, smoking, making pepperoni rolls and watching the infamous Jesco White and Family.
Then some God or some Fate or some wacky ass aligned planet decided to remind me of where I am in my life and turn a great day back into shit. Car accident number 3 in a period of 2 months.... I'm not an idiot. I wasn't under any influence. I wasn't tired. I wasn't on the phone. I stopped at a stop sign, looked both ways and on a dark night and unfamiliar street, I thought I was at a 4 way stop. I looked and didn't see traffic and proceeded through the intersection. Apparently I didn't look close enough. I was struck by another vehicle which I immediately thought had run a sign. I was told later that was incorrect and it was my failure to yield. If things couldn't get any worse, good cops turned into bad cops and I'm awake at 7am, having not slept,waiting on a phone call from my sister because she has connections in the jail system... Obviously I'm not in jail, but we'll just leave it at that. So here I am again, no car, still no money and just...shock. I wish I could disclose some of the other events that have made this evening very, very lucky, but also very fucked up, but I am not comfortable doing so in this space.
Even typing out this story... suddenly it's like my life has turned into a movie. This shit isn't supposed to happen in real life. I have been grieving over my life situation. I believe I have noted that in previous, recent posts. If anything could make me cry, I should have come "home" and burst into tears, but I didn't. I laid on the couch in complete silence for an hour just staring. I then flipped channels for about 10 minutes and finally decided to watch something on netflix so my mind wouldn't wonder. In fact, I really can't believe I didn't flip out. I can't believe I'm writing this and being so rational. I can't fathom telling my parents I wrecked a rental car that I was renting because MY car is in the shop from an accident a month ago... I can't even guess at their response. I've always been the "non trouble maker kid" and here I am tied up in some crazy shit.
*******
I really don't know what else to say except. Family is... amazing. And that is a lack of terminology. My sister has surprised me. I am impressed and proud of her. She is smart and calculating; a problem solver. Why does it sometimes take insane circumstances to pull people together? I love my family. We are... "good people." I wouldn't change one thing. I am proud that I have come from a home of thinking, motivated, caring, gentle, understanding people. My sister can often come off aloof. Her initial demeanor can seem a bit cool and judgmental, but tonight she has proven me wrong. She is as caring as I am - she just doesn't wear her feelings on her sleeve as much ;)
I haven't eaten since 6pm and it's 715am. I'm so hungry. Now... I'm actually starting to get sleepy. I think from 2am until now I've been on a nutso adrenaline rush. The circumstances should lead me to be angry and outraged. They should lead me to be scared and worried, but I'm not. I'm scratching my head on that one. Maybe somehow (oddly enough) I realize it won't help anything. Why can't I always be this calm and rational?
All of these events that have happened as of late... I feel like they are telling me something or leading me to something. What am I supposed to see? I'm certainly not "rock bottom" but in the world I'm accustomed to, I feel like that's pretty much where I am. 31 years old, living with my parents, no job, income or car and 3 wrecks in 2 months... That's not really all that is it? When did my life get complicated? When do I catch a break? Where do I go from here? I feel like I've got all these signs, but I can't read them for a damn. Should I type Help with a period or Help with a question mark?
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