So I love this Train song "If It's Love." It's so happy... He has clever lines, I love "...remember Winger? I digress. I confess you are the best thing in my life." Yes! I remember Winger. :) But... it made me think. I am and have been and often write about how my life has taken on transformations and changes in the past 10 years. I am not the same person today as I was when I was 20. I have grown so much as a person. I have learned so much. It's funny that little saying about mind over matter. I truly have to pat myself on the back because in some regard, I have done things I didn't think I could do.
Although it may seem insignificant, for as long as I can remember I have bitten my nails. I "quit" about 2 summers ago, but when they started to break and become jagged I gave up. This past fall I finally made the decision to quit. This is something I never thought I would achieve, but I just got tired of my nails and hands always looking so rough and damaged. I made up my mind to end it and I did. I haven't bitten my nails since at least September. They grow very slow and are not "long" but they are strong and healthy and make my hands look nicer. I file them and trim my cuticles and take better care of them....
So, there is a connection here. I'm partaking in mind over matter. This week, not because I'm worried about bathing suit season or because I care what people think I look like.... I decided I really need to get healthy with my weight and eating habits. The one man who ever sees me disrobe doesn't seem to have complaints, but I need to love me too. I don't dislike my body, but it dawned on me last week when my feet were miserably hurting after work. I realized that if I were lighter then they wouldn't hurt as much. I also realized that I must be carrying around more weight than usual because in previous months/days my feet had not hurt as badly. So, mind over matter. I've completely revamped my eating habits this week as well as exercise regime. I'm going to keep it up and hope that it pays off... we'll see...
I'm not sure what the sudden motivation is... maybe it's knowing warm weather is coming, but I'm also motivated to really just make my life what I want it to be. Now, comes the connection to the Train song. No, not everyone has a boyfriend so sweet as to write such a romantic song, but I'm just over being dissatisfied. I'm seeing some light and starting to get impatient with being a pseudo/half a girlfriend. I really just want someone to love me. I don't want someone to change me or demand my time and force me conform to unrealistic expectations. I want true happiness with a partner. I'm not concerned with romance so much as a true connection. I want someone to look forward to seeing me and talking to me. I want someone to ask me questions and be interested in my life. I want to give all I have and know that it's appreciated.
With the 2 men that I have met here that have shown any remote interest, I have found bad luck. This worries me in some ways because it makes me fearful that all people are this way. Realistically and unfortunately, it is true that most people are self-serving lumps of clay sucking up the oxygen of those of us who give a shit, but... *sigh* I just wish I could meet someone who loved the gifts I have to give. I need congruency. I want to hear that puzzle piece click. I'm not complicated. I'm so straightforward (something I have had to learn to be) and I don't bullshit anyone. I'm not a kid. I'm going to be 31 in less than a month. I want to share my life with someone that wants it. I'm ready for that. I want someone to tell me they are addicted to loving me. I want someone to miss me even if they just saw me 2 hours ago. Really... I just need to be appreciated. That's all I really want.
"Love, love got to have something to keep us together."
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