My brain has been in a weird place for most of the evening it would seem. I have sat and listened to the chatter of elders, sensing that no matter your age, parents can always make you feel like a child; to be seen, not heard. But while I listened to their idle conversations of work place drama and chaos, I just couldn’t help wanting more. I couldn’t help admonishing myself for thinking that thought. I just felt so out of place and that "out of placeness" is because my mind wants to talk about bigger issues than work place lollygagging.
I was writing in my head today in the shower and then I was dictating my writing and now finally… I’m writing because my mind, and my thoughts and my self…. needed to come back to this place. Sorry for the hiatus. I’ve been a little lazy - maybe even a little over-whelmed. I realized today that some of the things I think should be shared. Don’t get me wrong, not like my thoughts are anything special, but some information once obtained cannot be contained.
Up to this point my blog has been diary like in nature…
“Dear Diary,
Today I have decided my blog must take on a new shape. My thoughts are my feelings and my feelings are my thoughts. I think I’ve told you before, sometimes I just wish I didn’t think – or maybe just that feel part; it makes being logical so much harder to do and muddies things up. BUT anyway! A new shape. If what I feel is what I think, then I still must proclaim it here. Yes, I share my personal thoughts and feelings, my successes and my strife, but now, it’s time to put more energy here. There are thoughts which should be disseminated. There are ideas which must be linked and shared. I am obligated now. Somehow it’s like I took an accidental oath I cannot take back. I realize my tone is vague in this new formation I suggest…. So…”
The very thought of it make my breasts rise and fall as my breath increases. It is a peculiar, unnatural feeling the idea of “blood boiling,” but as my eyes are opened, I feel this ache in my stomach. I feel my heart pumping harder. I feel my lips curl up and turn, a classic gesture of disgust… I’m disgusted with what I see around me. I’m a disgusted that people choose NOT to be outraged. I am disgusted to know that the very reason I am often feel “left out” is because I don’t care about Britney Spears getting married or the girl at the office that fucked someone… I love people. I love socializing, but I need to stimulate my brain, and when I can't find that in people I socialize with I often move along. I’m by no means saying I am better than anyone else or above socializing with any entity of people, but I much prefer and enjoy conversations which involve talking about issues that matter. I like to tackle the sticky stuff. I don’t like to really play it safe. Discussing the newest Jersey Shore or score in what the hell ever wack sport is kinda purposeless to me. Yes, these things are entertaining, but I really need to begin shouting: WHY AREN’T PEOPLE PAYING ATTENTION!!!!
As I was dictating this afternoon, I said I would dedicate this sort of change of subject matter to someone, but I’m not sure that attention was really well received. Yes or no, I still make that dedication. Roll with me… an example… Morpheus says to Neo, something like: “You’ve sense it your whole life. You know it, but you don’t know what it is. Something different…” So when it comes to this “eye opening,” I’m like Neo. I’ve sensed it. I’ve always looked around and noticed lots of inconsistencies in the world. I’ve noticed that what I’ve learned, and what I believe and what I’ve been taught doesn’t match up with the way it is. I’ve stated here before I’m especially sensitive to feeling. I’m sponge-like to emotion. So what I’ve always sensed is fakeness in politicians and most people in power. I’ve learned to be cautious and a little untrusting, but at the same time, uncertain of what I felt this way. I’m not as well learned as my follower Wrench6. I read when I have time and try to do more than “sense” the weird wrinkles I feel in the fabric of this world. So as I said previous, I’m obligated now. If you float over to Wrench’s blog you are likely to fall a victim to this oath of obligation unwittingly as I have. That is my dedication ;)
I am not complaining though – It truly is necessary to take up the charge of doing a bit of editorial work. I don’t know that I can actual even begin to educate myself to the extent of Hals’ knowledge. All of the information out there and all of the catching up is almost daunting. I also am not sure I could consume myself with it so regularly because I can’t feel that type of anger regularly. Oh? You feel confused when I say angry? You may wonder what the hell I’m talking about that could make me this angry… Oh… If you would just allow yourself to see; you’ll know anger too and you should! So, I guess this is an introduction. I almost feel like I have to take a deep breath and get ready! Oh boy… stay tuned.
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