I follow Chuck Palahniuk on twitter. I also follow Neil Gaiman. Sometimes Neil will answer back if I say stuff to him which is pretty damn cool. I’m not sure I’ve attempted this with Chuck. Anway (yeah, like we’re on a first name basis) the point is, I have a minor obsession with Fight Club. Like really. It’s always in my head; the philosophies presented and many quotes therein swirl around my consciousness. It makes sense to me. I remember one time, either here or maybe in another space I wrote “You have to give up.” A fellow reader responded with, “that must have been such a hard lesson to learn.” Well… yah, it is I guess, but it makes sense. Durden/Palahaniuk (s) philosophy make so much logical sense to me. Of course you have to give up! Is it a hard lesson to learn? Honestly, I guess it is, but there is something kind of rewarding in letting go. I’ve gotten away from “letting go” and maybe I should revisit that.
********
I’m listening to birds chirp. Leftover early morning rain drip from the eves. The leaves on the trees are doing a gentle warm-up as the occasional breeze passes by and the air I breathe is warm and thick as the day is shaping up to be hot and swamp-like. I could never live in Florida. Give me 76 to 85 with sunshine and a breeze – cool at night. That’d be the spot.
So… it’s weird that I wake up with my mind so full. I’m not entirely sure why even. The last time I was home I was feeling very aimless and uncertain. Honestly, that hasn’t improved much. Previously I was able to wrap my brain around some goals and start trying to make things happen. It’s rather frustrating if you think about it. From kindergarten through 12th grade, for 13 years you know exactly what you will be doing. You get up you go to school, maybe you run track or play in the band. You go to practice; you do homework and hang out with friends. Summer comes and goes and you know that in the Fall you’ll go back to school. As a senior you know (as most people now choose) that the next step is deciding where to go to college, so senior year is filled with applications and visits and narrowing down choices. You look forward to graduation and then phase 2 begins: college. For four more years your life is mapped out. You go to a university and do your thing and if you don’t flunk out, you live your life by semesters. Senior year of college approaches and here you are sending out job applications, worrying about gpa and class standing and really ready to be done with school. This is when life would seem to get a little tricky because now it’s been 17 years of knowing exactly what your next move will be (maybe not exactly, but a pretty good idea of where you are and what you’re doing) Finally, you graduate college and unless you got lucky and landed a job before completion or very quickly thereafter, your mapped out life is now a bit aimless. You work a bullshit job at a bar or retail shop. You do whatever to pay the bills. Maybe it’s nice for a while because you have some cash and you can party and have a good time and not worry about studying, but… eventually, something starts to creep along. Maybe you’ve been single for longer than you’d like. Maybe working 2 and 3 jobs at a time is starting to wear you down. Maybe you’re tired of the randomness and need a little structure. Whatever it is Tyler Durden is right when he says, “I’m a 30 year old boy.” Womanly in nature and attitude, I still often feel like a kid playing at a grown up game.
My life is unstructured. I bought a car a year and a half ago that has already been beat to shit. About 4 months ago I felt like I was working my ass off, but unrewarding work that had no future bearing on my life it would seem. I’m unemployed sitting at my parent’s house because there isn’t anywhere else for me to go. There is no point in me being at my “home” with no vehicle and no many. Isn’t this kinda pathetic? My mind bend sometimes and there is no direction in my life. I’ve applied for unemployment and I’ve put in applications, and the theme of my life for the past 2 years has just been WAIT. When will my patience run out? What am I waiting for? I’ve never been a “lucky” person so I’m not exactly banking on some amazing event happening. I met an amazing man and for one month I got to be a part of his life and world… but for what? One could argue that I look too hard for meaning in things, but really, what’s the point of life if you don’t find meaning and lessons in what you experience?
I moved for several reasons. Sitting around last night having dinner and watching the clientele, I moved because I needed to see something different. When I am in WV I notice the difference among people and realize why I enjoy a bigger city. I also moved because I feel like I was searching for something. That thing I am searching for, I’m not even sure what it is or if I have found it. Honestly, since I’m a little uncertain of what that search is about, it’s hard to say if I have found it, but I feel like probably not. I’m still searching. I’m seeking and looking and on the prowl… for something. Meaningful?
No comments:
Post a Comment