A Wind Storm

I always have this problem of wanting to say 15 things at once. Where do I begin… I think I have a boyfriend. I mean, he’s not calling it that, but he’s not arguing with the title either and has been very “boyfriendish” in nature as of late. I see this as a small victory. I see little flags (he knows what that visual should be). I’ve heard I shouldn’t “put up with that” for whatever that means and OMG I suddenly take a hit and forget how to type what is that?! So… (I had to hit backspace like 5 times up there) I’m actually pretty proud of myself for holding onto my good mood I had upon leaving and what has transpired over the past several hours. I really hate outside influence. I’m happy. I am content with my situation as it is. I need not justify that to anyone, yet people challenge me to do so. I shouldn’t have to defend my choices. I’m a grown woman. If I choose to be chaotic neutral… so be it :D Grrrr… I’m just frustrated. I have a whirlwind of crazy feelings inside right now. I have a clusterfuck of possibilities. Hahaha…old joke: Me and old friends termed “clusterfuck” a nautical term. It just seems appropriate for something that would happen on a boat in the ocean.

So yah, you see I’m all over the place. I just had to make a conscious decision to start a new paragraph. I bought a book the other day God is Not Great – Christopher Hitchens. See, this is the lovely thing about the internet. I just typed a name of a book and an author and there you are…someone… even only my 4 followers, but there you are reading along and blam! Information! Perhaps I have piqued your curiosity. What is this book and its subject matter? Perhaps you read my previous post and wandered through the interwebz to find the doorway to Machine-Gun Shatner. The internet; a string of ideas and information linking each other… We could start a revolution this way ;) (I just backspaced the phrase “So yah” because I realize I’m a little stoned and keep typing it.) My book is here in bed with me. I’d like to read a little before I snooze, but it is very engrossing as far as making me think, so it might not be the best choice for sleep… we’ll see.

****I just had to text Hal to tell him something about a student I just remembered that he would find amusing to say the least…

This is definitely stream of consciousness – I volunteer to be used as a class example! I’m upside down. Isn’t that a song…”…boy you turn me inside out…?” Yah, it’s like that. Love is a powerful emotion. Well, let’s not even think of it as an emotion. As a human quality, “love” is something we experience. In this case I speak of love as that for another person in the romantic sense. (that’s a shitty sentence but I’m too lazy to fix it. Deal) In the time that Dante wrote The Inferno and later also during Shakespeare’s time, love truly was seen as a sickness. Passion means to suffer (in medieval times) "Romeo and Juliet" speaks to the very nature of how far “love sickness” can push one’s spirit. Dante loved Beatrice to the point that he would retch and lay for days in pain. What is this feeling that is so uncontrollable and unstoppable? It is dangerous. It is wild and painful and exhilarating. It is frightful! I wonder… does this sound so trite and cheesy? I am certainly not retching upon the floor or asking old men for potions that make me look dead even though I’m not. No… but I have to truly examine this whirling dervish of a feeling. It is quite maddening at times. I have no doubt my counterpart feels not the same way, but it is of no consequence. I’m built to love. Although I was attempting to tell my mother she needed to stop being so sensitive and toughen up a little… Nonetheless, she has nurtured me into a being that is also sensitive. This is a trait I have more recently tried to put on the back burner – it has its flaws. Back to the point, it really does just strike me as interesting that for example, everyone of any kind of authority in literature and intellectual circles makes an appearance in The Portable Atheist as for their comment on the matter. Concerning love, the same is true. Anyone of any authority intellectually, psychologically, in comedic circles and so forth has commented upon or attempted to make some understanding of love as humans feel it. I am not an authority. I just know what I feel.

***Sidenote – it’s a really cool thing to see someone right a wrong for your sake. I am not saying that quite the way I want as the above sounds somewhat insignificant, so maybe… Hmm? I notice everything. I came home tonight and noticed that the glass in the windows looked uber shiny. (the windows are usually kinda cloudy) Apparently my dad had a cleaning frenzy and cleaned windows. So… I notice everything. I notice when people change their behavior. I notice when people do things for me and I especially notice when people make improvements upon themselves and better themselves. I noticed I have a lot more courage than I thought. I noticed a lot of things this week. I noticed I’m smiling and happy right now. :D

The time off I have had lately has lent itself to time to think. In some ways that’s been good, and in some ways bad. Mostly good though. I’ve been introspective and just…taking things in. I’ve been pretty anxious about not exactly knowing where my life is headed, but I can’t help think I’m supposed to be doing what I’m doing right now. It all sort of clicks in a weird kind of way. That’s just bizarre.

180 *tires screech* Uh..yah, been doing lots of racing. It’s sort of weird that a video game is kinda like stuck in my head… but it’s a 180 because… I’m just sitting here grinning like a fool. I’m just really happy I have a friend that I can say with true conviction in every sense of the word is my best friend. That’s like a beam of light shining through the shit that is life sometimes I love being bohemian. I really do think my spirit is from a different time… Goodnight world.