Now Streaming: Consciousness.

There are so many things I want to write about right now. I often begin blog posts this way it seems; often there is just so much in my head I want to get out. I realized long ago that idle time for some is relaxing and soothing. For me, it is more like a catalyst for madness. I do not do well to sit and do nothing. I must be engaged, especially my mind. Having time on my hands for about 3 days straight is ok. After that something begins to happen within myself. Rather than being able to enjoy quiet time and peaceful days, I become antsy, frenzied and often find myself trapped within the space of my own thoughts, screaming, clawing and running to escape that place which leads me down dark paths.

I'm multi-tasking at the moment. Studies show that we are actually less productive when we multi-task, but I try not to treat my "dealer" like a dealer and do attempt to know her and engage in conversation. We are discussing her current breakup and she has in turn asked how the romantic sector of my life is coming along. I also recently received a friend request on FB from one of my best friends from undergrad who I have lost touch with since her marriage. I have thought of her often over the years and miss the friendship we had. While I am so very pleased to see that she is the same person, and so happy, I can't help but sigh in watching so many of the people I know move on and look at myself and feel like I've gone nowhere.

That's not exactly an accurate statement... I realize and know that from 2005 until now I have worked hard on honing my skills as an academic. Graduate school took up a lot of time, physically and mentally. While many people were starting their lives I suppose, I was still in school, working on what I hoped would take me farther in a career. I graduated and have since spent my time among academics, teaching and working and doing what it takes to make ends meet. I know I have chosen a different path than other's and that is really the heart of the matter, yet, I can't help but compare sometimes. Isn't graduate school where you are supposed to meet people and find "that person." I really thought I had it. As far as I knew, I had it and life was sort of planned out... I think I'm still recovering from that blow. I wish I did not place such importance on time, but often times I feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be 36 by the time I have children. I know I cannot change it, but point being, I feel like I'm doing a lot of things "late." I want to be young enough in a marriage and and a family to enjoy my kids, not be 65 when they are in HS. I fear often that my views and what has become certain "expectations" of relationships hold me back. I'm not bullshit. I'm no games. I'm about equality and communication. I'm tired of emotional trauma and the one person I've met in the past year and a half that I gel with on all the things doesn't really seem to want the latter conditions.

I try very hard to be in the now. That was something about my life that I had to change. So worrying about the past or the future is something I try to strike from my thoughts. Live now. With my idle time and when the now is uneventful, I suppose my mind likes to try to move to speculation. Suddenly, I overwhelm myself with "what ifs." I suppose currently, my issue is wanting to spend New Year's with people for whom I care and realizing that may not be possible. I don't want to sit at someone's house and do nothing, but i don't want to be in a crazy bar either. I'm superstitious. I certainly don't expect others to be so, but with my superstitious nature, I look at events like the coming of a new year, as something important. It's monumental to be with someone that matters to you... I don't ask for a lot. I try not to anyway. I really just try to fade into the background on most occasions....

I love a man that loves me and we find ourselves in this backwards, upside down, wacky relationship and maybe since I got to halfway have Xmas with him, I got greedy and wanted New Year's too. Really... that's what it's about. Really, I don't understand why/how being 4 hours away from a person for 5 months has made things amazing and now that I'm in close vicinity, it begins to hurt again. Doesn't that seem.... wacky or something? I'll start by blaming myself. I guess maybe when I'm near, my expectations change... for some reason.

It's holiday gloom... that's what it is. Perhaps a bit late it came anyway. A song should be written, forlorn like a dirge, for those of us suffering and inside our heads... I've never been so great at rhyming on command.

Hypothesis #297: I have changed my situation for the better. My end goal for the past 5 years: Secure a job which gives me the monetary amount necessary to live comfortably. With said employment also secure health coverage. In the process of doing all this, my domicile and community must be in a place where I feel comfortable and happy. Therefore, end goal is still "in process." Domicile situation is highly improved with hopes of further improvement. Current end results: Plans are coming together more quickly, but dissatisfaction on some life circumstances still engaged. Lack of partnership and congruent friendships is looming. Patience is debatable.

Hypothesis #298: Life is currently still in a transition period and anything static is yet to be determined. Must have own space. Availability to do so - 9 months.

Revelation 1:1

Dictionary.com defines the term sociopath as the following: a noun - Psychiatry a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. The term psychopath is defined as a noun, also called: sociopath, who is a person afflicted with a personality disorder characterized by a tendency to commit antisocial and sometimes violent acts and a failure to feel guilt for such acts. Wikipedia, although it must be noted is not necessarily a "credible" source, redirects sociopath to anti-social personality disorder, stating that the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual defines Anti-social personality disorder as: "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood." Also, as written on wikipedia, sociopathy and psychopathy are considered to be 2 synonymous names for anti-social personality disorder, yet it is noted that the 2 are not to be used interchangeably.

Since I'm not exactly turning this in for a grade or anything I will stop my research at the root definitions of the words. I have a basic understanding of the 2 and know that I can honestly say I have met people with psychopathic tendencies, or ASPD. In some ways all people have these tendencies, but some more than others as it has been obviously proven. Many of my favorite films are based around the lives of sociopaths - Hannibal Lecter, Dexter, American Psychos Patrick Bateman. I find the mind of these people, true or fictional to be fascinating, yet at the same time, on the real-life, close to home level, a person of this nature is terribly frightening.

I'm not sure how much to say. Whether I use some truth and mix it with lies and create a wildly entertaining story, the fact of the matter is... some truth is contained therein.

Sometimes my mom reads my blog. I don't know how often or when. She often doesn't speak of it. I know people who love me and think fondly of me perhaps read the words I pour out of my brain, often late at night or in the wee hours of the morning... Knowing this, I don't want to cause alarm, but as my previous post states, I read people. I can see truth people don't want me to see and my mind can sometimes put those pieces together. I don't know what I've seen. I'm not sure if my imagination, the writer in me who sees a killer story, is overshadowing, but I've seen something... like a sociopath. I'm pondering the implications. By no means am I afraid for my safety or anyone around me, but I think I've been "reading" things I wasn't supposed to read. Again, a gift and a curse. Sometimes I don't like what I read.

And again! No panicking! I'm safe and all is good... just some things I am sensing and I had to write out of my brain... I had to rely on those clinical definitions to put the pieces together. I'm probably being overly paranoid. So maybe, if I decide to stay up late I'll turn this peculiar notion into an interesting story...

I Can Read

Ok... I've been meaning to post this for a long time now and well... I dunno why I haven't. Maybe I've needed to work out in my brain what it is I want to explain; this ability that logically sounds so hocus-pocus and flakey, but yet at the same time makes sense. I can't help but wonder if it is a gift unique to me or there are other people who can see and do what I do.

Go with me on this, because in order for this to make sense in some ways I have to draw on a slightly fictional example. Over the past month I have been watching the TV series Lie to Me. The series has it's basis on the life of Dr. Paul Ekman, a psychologist famous for his studies in emotion as they relate to facial expression. I was interested in the subject matter for some personal reasons which will come to light, but I even checked out a book from the library that Dr. Ekman wrote about facial expression. One book and a TV show certainly don't make me an expert, but here's my interest...

It is often or source of contention and a challenging, ongoing problem for the 2 lead characters to not "read" each other. They are both highly skilled and trained in reading peoples' body language, facial expression and speech pattern in order to detect lies and deceit. What this also allows them is the ability to see other emotions and feelings besides deceit. Hence, they must be careful not to "read" each other and see too far in because there are some things people wish to remain secret, or some thought we wish not to share with another. Having this ability is like mind reading in a sense. Under the circumstances of the show as it is written, Dr. Lightman and Foster, (Lightman more so) can always see what people are thinking.

Now, this is the part of this post where I start to feel a little wacky. I became extremely interested in the above subject matter because I am clairvoyant in this sense. Sometimes I hate it. I certainly don't claim be doctor, or psychic or anything, as there truly are people who study these things as a science. I don't even really read peoples facial expressions so much as I can see things in their faces sometimes, but also in their body's and especially the way people speak. It's what Hal has complained about before... I'm impossible to bullshit. Maybe not impossible; I can be fooled, but simply it's hard to pull the wool over my eyes. I often feel like I see everything and I often see by feeling. It's a combination of being observant, and sensitive to feelings, and learning people. I study people all the time and I know they don't know it. I know things about my roommate he has never told me, but he didn't have to... I hear them in tone of voice, and choice of words. I know what's between the lines - because really, if you think about it, people often give themselves away... you just have to look for the little things; the small details that usually go unnoticed.

Ok, that was kind of rambling, but the point is made. I can "read" people. I hate it sometimes. I hate that I can look at a person and see pain, or when they are uncomfortable in a group situation and trying to hard to fit in and be like everyone else. In some ways I feel like I'm not quite conveying how sudden and personal of an experience this can be. I just figure things out about people. I figure things out about people I know they probably wouldn't want me to know. I figure things out you tell best friends and people you trust. Most people don't want another person inside their head that much and I can go there with people. I don't really like to be inside that deep and I enjoy the freedom of being able to get out and not concern myself, but that doesn't mean I didn't see it... some things you see stay with you. Sometimes you learn something about a person you wish you didn't know. Sometimes you feel a person's pain you wish they weren't feeling, let alone yourself.

I feel like whatever this is... is a gift in a way. I feel like I should do something with it, but I don't know what. I think sometimes I annoy people because I ask lots of questions. When I meet people I ask them lots of questions. I mean, not at first, but over the course of knowing me, I like to ask the "not everyday" questions. My reasoning; when you know how people lived, how they grew up, what their values are, what matters to them.... then it's easier to understand that person as an individual. It's almost like you gain the ability to be completely accepting. If I understand the reasons behind another's actions and motivation then I feel like I truly know them.

Example: I know my best friend has been through some very tense, dangerous, life-threatening situations. I know how those situations have affected relationships and life outlooks and values and morals. Because I've asked these questions and gained this information, it tells me a lot about why said friend makes some of the choices and decisions made in life. It tells me why they react the way they do about certain things, or why the sometimes don't react at all.

Sometimes in people, I don't like what I see. I can read when a guy is a player. I can tell when someone is a backstabbing friend. I can listen and know when someone is annoyed at their spouse; word choice, tone, body language and facial expression give it all away and I notice those things. Maybe everyone really can do this to an extent. I believe most people would say that when they have known another person for an extended period of time they start to pick up on those things, but I can do it from a first meeting usually. I'm not saying I'm special or better than anyone else... It's just weird. People show so much when often times they are trying so hard not to...

I need to write about my other so called "super power" soon. Is anyone calling the looney bin yet? Yah.. I told T about that one... Superman has sonar hearing. I have like some kind of sonar feeling... but we'll do that another night.

"...the 'little death' that bring total obliteration."

Tonight I told Twitter that if Frank Herbert were still alive, I'd love to shake his hand. Today, I've lived in fear. I forgot my mantra. I've been so scared all day and I'm not even sure of what. Myself? My surroundings? The pain in my stomach from retching and vomiting? I think today, I'm afraid of people. I've wanted to be alone, but not. What I've wanted is just someone near me that loves me. I got that today through telephone calls, but if someone were just holding my hand right now, I think I'd even feel a little better.

Trust. I'm afraid to trust. I'm trying to work my feelings out. I'm not sure what is going on in my head space right now. I'm so tired. And it wasn't until an hour ago, that the fuzzy, spacey feeling finally went away and I woke up drenched in sweat from a terrible, peculiar dream, and then, I started to feel a little more like me. I wish I could take a shower. I want to wash away how I feel. I wish I were going to bed feeling fresh and clean. I even drove to walmart at 945 just so I could try to unclog the bathtub drain. My attempts were in vain.

I've missed this space. I've often commented about the way the keys sound when I type. There is something strangely comforting about sitting in this room and just listening to that noise as I pour my brain out on paper... cyber paper. I've wanted to write, but I've been so pulled every which way, whenever I sit down to think about doing it... I'm just usually tired. That isn't to say that life isn't good. I've been very busy and unlike the first few weeks of my new adventure, I haven't had a lot of downtime. I spend most evenings (early) hanging about with my neighbors. 7 o'clock is the time everyone gathers around and we enjoy each others company. I go to bed early these days. I think that's good for me, but at the same time, I sort of miss my night owlish ways. I just don't tend to stay up late because Joe goes to bed so early - I've not been previously accustomed to having to be quiet at 9pm.

I miss my friends. I'm making new friends and meeting cool people, but I truly miss the people who know me. So much. I think I will have to go home again before Thanksgiving.

Hal has been in rare form. That's a good thing. I will revisit this thought momentarily... He's my best friend...

Dreams are so telling, I realized I must hash this dream out before going into lovey dovey lala land. I said I've been afraid, all day. I was afraid last night. My dreams... I went to see Hal, only he wasn't himself. It looked like him, but he acted like he didn't know me. I remember in my dream I needed him and he wasn't there. I ran and I cried because I felt so alone. The other peculiar details aren't worth mentioning at the moment, but I know I dreamt that scenario because I really was afraid of being alone - just without anyone to go to. I am an extrovert. I depend, in some ways on people to make me feel complete. I feel like that sounds weird, but I thrive in social atmosphere. It is the human connection that helps make me tick. It is also knowing that while I need that connection, my solitude is also very important because that helps me stay sane.

This is helping. I think I will be able to go to sleep without worry, or without as much as I had. I have a feeling (I hope) that at about noon tomorrow I am going to be ravenously hungry. Pretzels and gatorade aren't much of a meal for an entire day.

But yes, rare form. Because I understand so clearly why he does the things he does. Miles from me... he loves me. I'm not entirely sure what changed and at what point he became comfortable expressing his feelings for me, but he has. He does the best he can for what he can give me. I know that it frustrates him that he can't give me more. It makes logical sense why he can't be my boyfriend. I know he places value in such a role. If he cannot fulfill it 100% then it's not fair. We have an amazing relationship. I am so grateful. Even when I've been angry or upset and confused... in the long run, the good outweighs the bad.

Teresa. I'm not sure she ever thinks about wanting to have children. I'm not sure that's a conversation we've ever had, but what Teresa should know, is one day, she'll be a wonderful mother. It's a pity the phrase "kindness is a virtue" is somewhat cliche, but it is. She is so kind. She strives so hard to be a good person. She is a good person and oh, you dear friends so far away right now, how I wish I could put my arms around you both and hug you and tell you I love you.

I have fallen a bit out of touch with dear Kathleen. Only snipits of conversation. I must improve that.

When Paul puts his hand in the box it burns. His skin turns red and begins to bubble and boil. This is truly one of my favorite parts of the book. The witch demands "Put your hand in the box!" And... (I smile) Paul wins. "I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass over me and through me." My hand's been in the box all day... and now, passing over me and through me is fear... and slowly, creepingly, I'm winning... with time, like mother says, "Time heals all wounds" or "This too shall pass..." Maybe now and upon the morrow:

"And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone will be nothing.

Only I will remain."

I must buy a copy of Dune tomorrow. Goodnight world.

A little rough. A little rowdy. A little dirty with heart and soul....

Tonight, I asked myself, "Where is my niche?" For the past several months I have been among all types of people. Professional opera singers, gay bikers, ballerinas, gymnasts, newlyweds, teen mothers, phd students, professors, writers, dancers... With the new things I have tried and the many opportunities I've had to meet all sorts, I've still found myself standing on the outside. I'm looking through that window on the other side of the glass and all these new encounters are already settled. That's too say, groups have already been formed. Alliances have been made. I find myself listening to their chatter. They discuss plans for the coming weekend. How So and So's attitude sucked at rehearsal. Bridesmaids dresses and "Oh my God! Did you hear about (insert noun)" They've sat at those tables before, and sure I can pull the door open and sit down among them, no longer looking in and yet, as I attempt to be interested in their lives, their dreams, their idle chatter.... as hard as I try to make that human connection. I'm really rather disinterested. I find myself daydreaming. My eyes observe and absorb. "Where is my niche?"

Is this question an offshoot of homesickness or loneliness? I am probably overly extroverted at times. I have no insecurities about being thrown into new situations. Yes, as of late I cannot find people with whom I feel I truly connect. Conversations should be more effort than discussing careers and where you went to school and "Oh, do you know 'that guy?" The human connection should be deeper. It's when you forge that bond with another that maybe you know life is worth living. Maybe that is morbid, but I find the part of my niche that I need is to wander among the macabre. My interests in life, so therefore in people, as we share this life, is in questions. Not the common "polite questions," but thinking questions. Challenging questions. Discussions which yield excitement and enthusiasm. I love to be around those who think, but people who think in a way that they are willing to push the envelope. People that do as they please. Do not confuse "do as they please" with blatant rudeness, but rather truly living life. What is 90 some years on this earth if you play it safe. Risks are worth taking. People who can step outside the box... Living a little on the edge, having the willingness to even question things beyond bullshit party introductions, those are the people I want to be with.

My friends, the people I know who are 100% behind me.... not all of them are risk takers. Some of them do play it safe, but what makes them worth knowing, the reason I know I'm connected to them, is because they are able to think. They are able to think beyond introductions, and while they may not appear "rough" or "rowdy" I know without a doubt, that they have the ability to think about being "bad." This makes them worth knowing.

On the flipside of that, those people are not near me. In the past several months I have not been near them. And while they can think it, there is a different kind of connection when I meet people that have the same attitude I do about life and living it and being fully immersed in it. The doers, not just the thinkers. When you connect with people who know what you're thinking and why you're thinking it. The other risk takers... When absolute honesty exists among friends, when there isn't really a "private" life - You're in.

Rough around the edges, maybe a little rude, maybe a little moody. Challenging, thinking, male or female. Wherever you are...You're my niche.

Poetry

So after I posted last night I got all inspired and wrote a poem. It's odd that I was saying I never write out my story ideas, yet I just sat down and busted out this little verse. I wasn't going to post it here initially, but I changed my mind.

I usually have a difficult time choosing titles. My reasoning is because I'm usually trying to think of something original. For this though, the title came quite simply and it couldn't be anything but what it is. Enjoy.

Best Friends

If you were here right now you’d tell me I’m sexy,

but you’d never say it because that’s a compliment.

I know you’d be thinking it though.

The low light that backlights my image...

Tresses of hair falling around my face

and the rise and fall of my breasts, teasing

cleavage in a low cut shirt. I know you’d notice.

You’d be sitting across from me. You wouldn’t put

Your elbows on the table, but relax your back in

your chair and look out across the street, facing forward.

You wouldn’t face me.

We’d be laughing. Probably too loud. There would

Be a side conversation that would distract us from

any “deep” thoughts, as we had to stop and discuss

the excellence of Jolly Rancher’s candy. It would

make perfect sense to just you and I.

I’ve lost my watch in a space time continuum. Only

you would understand and appreciate the humor in

that. It’s under my bed. The watch is gone. Swear.

You know I hate that it’s bad timing. You know I

hate that saying that makes sense.

Now is where you’d sit up and say it was

time to leave the porch. I can hear you say

“C’mon” and smile.

'Bout Damn Time for An Update!

Mmmm Jolly Ranchers. I love having something to suck on. ;)

Groan all you want. Anyway, it's amazing how perfectly content I feel. For the first time ever in my life I live away from everything I have ever known. Two weeks ago I was afraid I would feel like I wasn't living in my house, like I'd be tiptoeing around people and their already set agendas. I was afraid I'd have too much time on my hands. Fear is the mind killer. Today, or this evening rather, I'm sitting on my porch, a little buzzed, listening to the night noises and feeling more at home than I ever thought I would. So quickly I have become comfortable in my new space. I feel such positive energy. If it wasn't for my roomie not really diggin' on runnin' the AC a lot, I would be sleeping better, but that's the only reason why I'm not. I have a fan now, it should improve.

I'm gonna break my damn teeth if I keep trying to bite into these.... Well there is an interesting cast of characters here and my 2nd evening we all had a pretty good time together. I can forsee some evenings that will be memorable. Riding around on the Harley the other day was awesome. I must say there is something very sexy about being pressed up against a man that way. You have no choice but to hold on. Sexy. Aside from that, it was still great! My first thought was "I want one!" We had a great ride; it was the perfect day for it and I saw a lot of cool stuff. Yesterday, driving got a little frustrating on the way home, but I made it. Today, it was easy.

I'm absolutely loving that I have a porch! It's pretty kick ass to sit out here like this. It's a nice way to wind down. Wonderful evening. I wish I had a glass of wine, but there are other remedies for that ;)

I'm suddenly writing like this really is a journal, which it is, but at the same time...Hmmm I don't always discuss my insecurities... anyway... I'm a little nervous about the weekend. I dunno what Murph will be doing, but Joe is gone all day and I just want to stay busy. The alone time is ok to an extent, but I guess I don't want to get lonely. I do miss my friends. So many of those amazing people that I recall here so frequenly. Oh, I will miss the convenient contact. I already had before I even left in some cases.

Random thought: Joe loaned me a hella cool book. I just started it the other night. "The electric kool-aid acid test" Note to self: Do not attempt to read book about tripping acid, written in the manner of tripping acid, while stoned. That was nuts! I'm gonna have to start over and see if it makes anymore sense, but I really want to read it. He also loaned me "The Road," which although bleak, I really look forward to reading.

I'm completely ignoring the fact that (OMG! School starts Monday!!) I have what feels like a lot to do, but I know once I get started it won't take so long. I'm looking forward to it, but also really nervous. Things are different here... I like getting used to a new school though. I've already seen some vast improvement in things I was unhappy about previously.

Random thought: I had a pretty cool story idea while I was trying to go to sleep last night. I always write "I had an idea" and then never actually put them in this space, but not to worry. They stay in a special file cabinet in my mind. I make myself remember. It's an excuse to say I don't have time, but I just never seem to get around to sitting down at the computer with the intention of writing one out. I need a muse. Maybe I should do that this weekend if there is free time. Write and find a muse? ;)

Hit by nostalgia, I should probably wrap this up. I have sat the past 3 days thinking, for the first time in a while I have no worries. It was worth the wait. I'm am happy to know my patience paid off.

To hit ya with a laugh: there is a house diagonally across from ours. There is a woman I have heard cackling. Yes, cackling, not laughing, for the past 15 minutes. She sounds like a damn hyenna. Seriously! LOL!!