Now Streaming: Consciousness.

There are so many things I want to write about right now. I often begin blog posts this way it seems; often there is just so much in my head I want to get out. I realized long ago that idle time for some is relaxing and soothing. For me, it is more like a catalyst for madness. I do not do well to sit and do nothing. I must be engaged, especially my mind. Having time on my hands for about 3 days straight is ok. After that something begins to happen within myself. Rather than being able to enjoy quiet time and peaceful days, I become antsy, frenzied and often find myself trapped within the space of my own thoughts, screaming, clawing and running to escape that place which leads me down dark paths.

I'm multi-tasking at the moment. Studies show that we are actually less productive when we multi-task, but I try not to treat my "dealer" like a dealer and do attempt to know her and engage in conversation. We are discussing her current breakup and she has in turn asked how the romantic sector of my life is coming along. I also recently received a friend request on FB from one of my best friends from undergrad who I have lost touch with since her marriage. I have thought of her often over the years and miss the friendship we had. While I am so very pleased to see that she is the same person, and so happy, I can't help but sigh in watching so many of the people I know move on and look at myself and feel like I've gone nowhere.

That's not exactly an accurate statement... I realize and know that from 2005 until now I have worked hard on honing my skills as an academic. Graduate school took up a lot of time, physically and mentally. While many people were starting their lives I suppose, I was still in school, working on what I hoped would take me farther in a career. I graduated and have since spent my time among academics, teaching and working and doing what it takes to make ends meet. I know I have chosen a different path than other's and that is really the heart of the matter, yet, I can't help but compare sometimes. Isn't graduate school where you are supposed to meet people and find "that person." I really thought I had it. As far as I knew, I had it and life was sort of planned out... I think I'm still recovering from that blow. I wish I did not place such importance on time, but often times I feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be 36 by the time I have children. I know I cannot change it, but point being, I feel like I'm doing a lot of things "late." I want to be young enough in a marriage and and a family to enjoy my kids, not be 65 when they are in HS. I fear often that my views and what has become certain "expectations" of relationships hold me back. I'm not bullshit. I'm no games. I'm about equality and communication. I'm tired of emotional trauma and the one person I've met in the past year and a half that I gel with on all the things doesn't really seem to want the latter conditions.

I try very hard to be in the now. That was something about my life that I had to change. So worrying about the past or the future is something I try to strike from my thoughts. Live now. With my idle time and when the now is uneventful, I suppose my mind likes to try to move to speculation. Suddenly, I overwhelm myself with "what ifs." I suppose currently, my issue is wanting to spend New Year's with people for whom I care and realizing that may not be possible. I don't want to sit at someone's house and do nothing, but i don't want to be in a crazy bar either. I'm superstitious. I certainly don't expect others to be so, but with my superstitious nature, I look at events like the coming of a new year, as something important. It's monumental to be with someone that matters to you... I don't ask for a lot. I try not to anyway. I really just try to fade into the background on most occasions....

I love a man that loves me and we find ourselves in this backwards, upside down, wacky relationship and maybe since I got to halfway have Xmas with him, I got greedy and wanted New Year's too. Really... that's what it's about. Really, I don't understand why/how being 4 hours away from a person for 5 months has made things amazing and now that I'm in close vicinity, it begins to hurt again. Doesn't that seem.... wacky or something? I'll start by blaming myself. I guess maybe when I'm near, my expectations change... for some reason.

It's holiday gloom... that's what it is. Perhaps a bit late it came anyway. A song should be written, forlorn like a dirge, for those of us suffering and inside our heads... I've never been so great at rhyming on command.

Hypothesis #297: I have changed my situation for the better. My end goal for the past 5 years: Secure a job which gives me the monetary amount necessary to live comfortably. With said employment also secure health coverage. In the process of doing all this, my domicile and community must be in a place where I feel comfortable and happy. Therefore, end goal is still "in process." Domicile situation is highly improved with hopes of further improvement. Current end results: Plans are coming together more quickly, but dissatisfaction on some life circumstances still engaged. Lack of partnership and congruent friendships is looming. Patience is debatable.

Hypothesis #298: Life is currently still in a transition period and anything static is yet to be determined. Must have own space. Availability to do so - 9 months.