A little rough. A little rowdy. A little dirty with heart and soul....

Tonight, I asked myself, "Where is my niche?" For the past several months I have been among all types of people. Professional opera singers, gay bikers, ballerinas, gymnasts, newlyweds, teen mothers, phd students, professors, writers, dancers... With the new things I have tried and the many opportunities I've had to meet all sorts, I've still found myself standing on the outside. I'm looking through that window on the other side of the glass and all these new encounters are already settled. That's too say, groups have already been formed. Alliances have been made. I find myself listening to their chatter. They discuss plans for the coming weekend. How So and So's attitude sucked at rehearsal. Bridesmaids dresses and "Oh my God! Did you hear about (insert noun)" They've sat at those tables before, and sure I can pull the door open and sit down among them, no longer looking in and yet, as I attempt to be interested in their lives, their dreams, their idle chatter.... as hard as I try to make that human connection. I'm really rather disinterested. I find myself daydreaming. My eyes observe and absorb. "Where is my niche?"

Is this question an offshoot of homesickness or loneliness? I am probably overly extroverted at times. I have no insecurities about being thrown into new situations. Yes, as of late I cannot find people with whom I feel I truly connect. Conversations should be more effort than discussing careers and where you went to school and "Oh, do you know 'that guy?" The human connection should be deeper. It's when you forge that bond with another that maybe you know life is worth living. Maybe that is morbid, but I find the part of my niche that I need is to wander among the macabre. My interests in life, so therefore in people, as we share this life, is in questions. Not the common "polite questions," but thinking questions. Challenging questions. Discussions which yield excitement and enthusiasm. I love to be around those who think, but people who think in a way that they are willing to push the envelope. People that do as they please. Do not confuse "do as they please" with blatant rudeness, but rather truly living life. What is 90 some years on this earth if you play it safe. Risks are worth taking. People who can step outside the box... Living a little on the edge, having the willingness to even question things beyond bullshit party introductions, those are the people I want to be with.

My friends, the people I know who are 100% behind me.... not all of them are risk takers. Some of them do play it safe, but what makes them worth knowing, the reason I know I'm connected to them, is because they are able to think. They are able to think beyond introductions, and while they may not appear "rough" or "rowdy" I know without a doubt, that they have the ability to think about being "bad." This makes them worth knowing.

On the flipside of that, those people are not near me. In the past several months I have not been near them. And while they can think it, there is a different kind of connection when I meet people that have the same attitude I do about life and living it and being fully immersed in it. The doers, not just the thinkers. When you connect with people who know what you're thinking and why you're thinking it. The other risk takers... When absolute honesty exists among friends, when there isn't really a "private" life - You're in.

Rough around the edges, maybe a little rude, maybe a little moody. Challenging, thinking, male or female. Wherever you are...You're my niche.