"...the 'little death' that bring total obliteration."

Tonight I told Twitter that if Frank Herbert were still alive, I'd love to shake his hand. Today, I've lived in fear. I forgot my mantra. I've been so scared all day and I'm not even sure of what. Myself? My surroundings? The pain in my stomach from retching and vomiting? I think today, I'm afraid of people. I've wanted to be alone, but not. What I've wanted is just someone near me that loves me. I got that today through telephone calls, but if someone were just holding my hand right now, I think I'd even feel a little better.

Trust. I'm afraid to trust. I'm trying to work my feelings out. I'm not sure what is going on in my head space right now. I'm so tired. And it wasn't until an hour ago, that the fuzzy, spacey feeling finally went away and I woke up drenched in sweat from a terrible, peculiar dream, and then, I started to feel a little more like me. I wish I could take a shower. I want to wash away how I feel. I wish I were going to bed feeling fresh and clean. I even drove to walmart at 945 just so I could try to unclog the bathtub drain. My attempts were in vain.

I've missed this space. I've often commented about the way the keys sound when I type. There is something strangely comforting about sitting in this room and just listening to that noise as I pour my brain out on paper... cyber paper. I've wanted to write, but I've been so pulled every which way, whenever I sit down to think about doing it... I'm just usually tired. That isn't to say that life isn't good. I've been very busy and unlike the first few weeks of my new adventure, I haven't had a lot of downtime. I spend most evenings (early) hanging about with my neighbors. 7 o'clock is the time everyone gathers around and we enjoy each others company. I go to bed early these days. I think that's good for me, but at the same time, I sort of miss my night owlish ways. I just don't tend to stay up late because Joe goes to bed so early - I've not been previously accustomed to having to be quiet at 9pm.

I miss my friends. I'm making new friends and meeting cool people, but I truly miss the people who know me. So much. I think I will have to go home again before Thanksgiving.

Hal has been in rare form. That's a good thing. I will revisit this thought momentarily... He's my best friend...

Dreams are so telling, I realized I must hash this dream out before going into lovey dovey lala land. I said I've been afraid, all day. I was afraid last night. My dreams... I went to see Hal, only he wasn't himself. It looked like him, but he acted like he didn't know me. I remember in my dream I needed him and he wasn't there. I ran and I cried because I felt so alone. The other peculiar details aren't worth mentioning at the moment, but I know I dreamt that scenario because I really was afraid of being alone - just without anyone to go to. I am an extrovert. I depend, in some ways on people to make me feel complete. I feel like that sounds weird, but I thrive in social atmosphere. It is the human connection that helps make me tick. It is also knowing that while I need that connection, my solitude is also very important because that helps me stay sane.

This is helping. I think I will be able to go to sleep without worry, or without as much as I had. I have a feeling (I hope) that at about noon tomorrow I am going to be ravenously hungry. Pretzels and gatorade aren't much of a meal for an entire day.

But yes, rare form. Because I understand so clearly why he does the things he does. Miles from me... he loves me. I'm not entirely sure what changed and at what point he became comfortable expressing his feelings for me, but he has. He does the best he can for what he can give me. I know that it frustrates him that he can't give me more. It makes logical sense why he can't be my boyfriend. I know he places value in such a role. If he cannot fulfill it 100% then it's not fair. We have an amazing relationship. I am so grateful. Even when I've been angry or upset and confused... in the long run, the good outweighs the bad.

Teresa. I'm not sure she ever thinks about wanting to have children. I'm not sure that's a conversation we've ever had, but what Teresa should know, is one day, she'll be a wonderful mother. It's a pity the phrase "kindness is a virtue" is somewhat cliche, but it is. She is so kind. She strives so hard to be a good person. She is a good person and oh, you dear friends so far away right now, how I wish I could put my arms around you both and hug you and tell you I love you.

I have fallen a bit out of touch with dear Kathleen. Only snipits of conversation. I must improve that.

When Paul puts his hand in the box it burns. His skin turns red and begins to bubble and boil. This is truly one of my favorite parts of the book. The witch demands "Put your hand in the box!" And... (I smile) Paul wins. "I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass over me and through me." My hand's been in the box all day... and now, passing over me and through me is fear... and slowly, creepingly, I'm winning... with time, like mother says, "Time heals all wounds" or "This too shall pass..." Maybe now and upon the morrow:

"And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone will be nothing.

Only I will remain."

I must buy a copy of Dune tomorrow. Goodnight world.