You Covet What You See

I'm staring at the screen not knowing what to write, yet in the very act of not knowing what to write I'm writing. Much like I tell students when they say "I don't know what to write for my freewrite." The reply being, "Write about not knowing... you still accomplish the task."

I can feel my eyes are swollen and my head is aching at my eyebrows and cheek bones. My nose is stuffy and this tissue beside me has long since turned to mush. I know what time it is because Highlander is on SyFy. It will be 2am when Xfiles comes on. I have to get up early but will probably lay here on the couch and fall asleep with my good friends Mulder and Scully. It's funny the things that comfort us. This beat up couch I got from an ex-boyfriend in 2002 and the hum of the fan in the window and the low drones of bad acting as the Highlander seeks out a vampire.

Sometimes you need to cry. That isn't what I've done tonight, as I have my reasons, but just like needing to pee or get off... sitting down and bawling can be kind of cleansing. I'm avoiding the issue, but not sure if my brain can really rehash it right now. Clarity will come with the light of day... Or as I continue to pour out my brain...

I'm faced with many decisions. Most of those decisions I look to with excitement as my life is about to begin a new chapter and I am pleased to have so many opportunities awaiting me. I'm a bit frustrated that the job/apartment hunt has still not yielded any results, but it was only initial in way of apartment hunting. I will have more time for that next week. Thaasaphobia is the fear of being idle. The is the reason I'm always busy. It's not so much that I'm afraid to be still, I just don't like to be stagnant. Right now, things feel a little stagnant. I need to see a change. I'm glad I've got the show I'm working on and now people are getting to know each other better and it's proving to be a nice group; as the weeks go by I'm sure we'll grow closer as a cast and have some good party nights.

So while there are decisions like where to move and when and jobs... I'm not really upset or stressed by this. I do look at it as something exciting. I can see myself eating cereal for dinner, sitting on milk crates and being quite okay with doing so. Those decisions need to be hashed out, but it's not really causing me emotional trauma. Trauma might be a strong word, but I have been a bit distraught this evening...

I'm a creature of instinct. No I haven't been a navy seal or learned how to track scents through the forest, but I believe 100% in my gut. I have a strong 6th sense if you will. Now this might sound flaky to some, but I truly feel like I have a bit of an inner eye. I can sense things before they happen. I get feelings where I "know" stuff. Right now, this evening, I'm battling with my instincts. I'm always true to myself. I listen to that voice inside and it's rarely wrong. When I stop to notice, sometimes it's sort of neat to smile when I see something happen that I knew was going to happen. So my instincts are having an inner conflict. "My head and my heart are colliding; chaotic." Yes, that line would sum it up. I'm a logical thinker as well. I calculate. I deduct. I see logic and reason and while I am a very emotional being, I never forget the logical side of things. So my situation also lends itself to logical fallacies, false logic. I ponder this...

In this life, if you have faith, maybe there is a stronger understanding to why/what your life purpose is. I don't really concern myself with trying to figure that out, but I do believe that events that occur and paths that cross all happen for a reason. People come in and out of our lives for certain reasons. Events which occur shape and mold us. Within the last year I am so very grateful that I've been able to see people leave my life for the better, and also come into it to offer encouragement, courage, understanding, love, friendship and many other things. I've made friends where I didn't think I would. I've fallen in love where I didn't think I could. I'm a people person, an ENFJ I think. My profile is me to a perfect tee. Studying people, understanding them, and being exposed to them make me who I am. I need people in my life. Furthermore, I need the people I care about in my life. I do not let many people in my realm. I can count my closest friends on one hand. When people get that far in I'm 100% loyal. Therefore, it's highly important to me to keep those people close. I'm always deeply wounded when I've lost friends. It's something I truly take to heart. In deciding to "revamp" my life, I can't help but consider the people for whom I care. Last weekend, I grew closer to a friend by sharing a delightful car ride. This past year, a girl I thought was quiet and mousy and would never have a thing in common with me is my best friend and a stoic, unwavering male who makes my head spin in delight as well as frustration is also my best friend, my lover and probably my soul mate.

I'm not really sure what a soul mate is. I could get all academic and look up the words, but I don't really feel like switching windows. My own definition though... Hmmm... Someone you connect with. I don't think people are likened to one soul mate; I believe it can be more than one, but those people would be very special people. Someone could argue that the reasons I'm about to give are solely based on familiarity, but I think it's more than that. A soul mate is that person who can finish your sentence. It's that person that before you even begin the sentence they knew what you were going to say and they crack a grin and let you say it anyway and then you both laugh. It's the person who can read your looks. When you furrow your brow, or grimace, or cock your head a certain way, they know exactly what that means. That person knows every inflection in your voice. They know the way you act when you have a bad day and when you've had too much coffee. They can give you Hell when no one else is allowed. (Xfiles is on - 2am) It's utter acceptance. Every Angel and every Demon is accepted without judgement. They are your cheerleader, but sometimes your enemy. With a soul mate you can share every spectrum of emotions. When laughter is the emotion you share the most, then yes, you've found a soul mate. They are the person that stays up late even when they're tired to listen to you cry. It's the person that does without any expectation of receiving in return. Your soul mate is the person with whom you can dream. You can speak plainly. You never fear telling that person anything, good or bad. A soul mate impacts your life like an asteroid hitting a planet and when they are gone all that's left is that crater.

I'm an English person. I talk in metaphors and similes, but I don't think Webster's would have given quite the extensive definition. So the conundrum of my instincts. I love my friends like family. For the most part, I think they ones that matter will stick around. More specifically, the question remains, how do you walk away from someone you think is your soul mate? Someone told me "The heart wants what it wants." So this is where my instincts are conflicted. If that's true, how does one make their heart change what it wants?

America The Beautiful

Well... I wrote this a while back. I thought it was actually decent. If you listen or are familiar with rap, then seeing/recognizing the beat might be easier. It kind of changes throughout, but I can hear how it should sound in my head. It's unfinished... I'll get back around to that eventually. And uh... LOL! I've been told this is the sort of thing that gets you put on a "list." Well. I guess I'm on a list ;)



When you’re a little kid they teach you
America’s the best.
The kindergarten piano was white,
red, and blue and NASA was the shit and
bein’ an astronaut was cool.
The teacher’s they cried when the Challenger
caught fire and the kids we were scared, but the
People in power – made it ok ‘cause that’s what
they do and Regan and Nancy gave chit chats for
Schools. DARE was the answer to the war on drugs.
AIDs was gettin’ popular, parents didn’t give hugs.
Workin’ 9-5 wasn’t quite enough –
to put food on the table
The cold war was getting’ rough.
The Wall fell down, nations cheered,
Somewhere in the 90’s things were gettin’ unclear.
Kids was havin’ babies and shooting up their classmates,
packin’ heat and actin’ street was the new way to play.
Kurt Cobain, grunge rock, Biggie Smalls, and sex talks.
7th graders buyin’ condoms, marijuana smokin’ mamas.

What happened to the National Anthem and the Pledge of
Allegiance and Constitution?

America doin’ justice in Desert Storm, not a war, but a conflict.
People are dyin’, soldiers gettin’ dead, sendin’ ‘em back home
With a fucked up head.
Orwell wrote a book that was fiction,
But now his ideas may be causin’ some friction.
Watchin’ and listenin’ the FBI, the CIA – people livin’ in fear
Every mother fuckin’ day.
This government’s got us in check, TV’s, media, what the heck?
Lady Gaga, Clinton’s the past, Tiger Wood gettin’ head
and bimbo ass.
CNN, CSPAN, coverage there and back again. People
Are dyin’, needin’ food and America you got us fooled.
News is the hottest celebrity, not a black girl raped in the ghetto,
Please!
Pussified and terrorized and too afraid to be denied –
the comfort And lifestyle that’s makin’ us tick.
Like machines and robots we mimic.
I ask the question you don’t want to ask, I’ll put it in your face and
You can kiss my ass. This nation is bleeding, our passion is lost,
How much can be refuted and what’s the highest cost?
So your kids can grow up knowing Facebook and Xbox .
TV Babysitter –
Wonder why your boy’s a quitter?

Attention spans like a grain of salt, religion serves
As a secret cult....







Uh… something about the constitution and shit….

Things that come to pass

Like my colleagues, I'm ignoring the stack of papers in my backpack that are starting to smell like rotten meat. It's overcast today and humid. I've cleaned the kitchen and the living room and I'm taking a break. I'm drinking coffee and sweating and the same time and The Smashing Pumpkins just went off on Pandora and Metallica just came on. It's May Day. Oh where is my Stag King to celebrate with me? I wish the sun was shining like it was yesterday. I read my horoscope at about 10am when I got up and it said I was supposed to be wary of a bad mood and try to combat it. I thought "bad mood, ok, that's off today. I feel great!" Well... strangely enough now, I've sort of fallen into a more somber place, so I guess it wasn't as inaccurate as I originally thought. I'm watching the calendar... I'm still waiting on that change of scenery. It hurts to miss someone. I still have one more room to tackle and then I need to shower and clean myself up. I'm streaming consciousness... I suppose I may run to the mall and buy a bday present and hopefully get some laundry/paper grading done. After that I'm doing some tarot and seeing how today is a strong energy day astrologically... it may prove very interesting. I hate how the radio can know what kind of mood your in and play the songs that enhance your emotions... so while Metallica is rocking out in the background, all I can really hear is the song before... "Try and love me if you can. Are you strong enough to be my man?" But aaah... now Black Sabbath "Paranoid" graces my ears. This mood needs to take a walk... I think I'll go work on that.

Be Be Your Love

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love


-Rachel Yamagata

Slave to the Clock

I have thirty minutes to write. I should be doing something like looking at the 3 job postings I was just informed of, or grading papers, or organizing papers, or even eating the lunch that is sitting in the department fridge, but my head is so busy I have to write to try to get myself straight. I think if I laid my head down on this cold, wooden desk I'd probably be asleep in minutes. I'm exhausted. My weekend was spent running around, dealing with teenage emotions and missing my family who was visiting. I know I probably shouldn't complain as my dance students are probably just as tired as I am today, but all they had to do was go to school today. I woke up at 530am and drove an hour to work. I'm working. I had to cancel a much needed session so I can go home and take a power nap before driving BACK to Charleston to work my 2nd job. I was going to cancel my hip-hop class to give myself a little more down time, but feel as if I've been guilted into it. Of course, I guess I shouldn't cancel, but I'm not sure I'll make it. I see why people are obsessed with Starbucks, as the caffeine moving through my system is probably the only reason my eyes are open right now.

I suddenly feel very overwhelmed. I'm being pulled in a million different directions. I have a million different things to say and no time or capacity to say them all. I have felt about a million different things in the course of the past five days and now I'm walking that fine line between standing and falling. I know I will make it; I always do, but as much as I give and give, my soul is currently screaming for me to do something for myself. What that thing is is so very simple. I need rest. Without down time, this is when things start to get a little wacky. The next 2 weeks will be very busy. On the one hand I am very grateful for this as it does not give me much idle time to think about the many changes that have taken place in my life, nor does it give me any opportunity to be lonely, as I very well would be if I were not so wrapped up in a hundred different things. On the other hand, I need a break. It's coming soon, but what I wouldn't give to go home at 2pm after class and just stay there. I hardly have the energy to stand, let alone teach 3hours of dance class to ungrateful students.

I was rather annoyed over this weekends dance performances. I don't feel like my students really respect me. So many of the things I say every week at class that they don't listen to and then when someone else calls them out on it... oh, it's frustrating. I try to be understanding because they are at such an awkward, emotional age, but when someone tells you "I don't want to do this dance because it sucks," that is hard not to take a little personally. I don't know how to express to anyone really what dancing means to me. I watched some phenomenal artists over the weekend. I watched 10 year olds do moves I've never been able to achieve and I found myself wishing I could teach to students with that kind of drive and passion. I might not be able to do it all, but I know how to teach it and I know how to make someone be exceptional. I have no students who want it that bad. To them, dancing is a hobby and not anything serious or worth more energy than meeting for class an hour once a week. My choreography would win awards if my students executed it properly. That might sound snooty, but I see the potential if they would just give it 100%.

I'm down to 15 minutes now. At least all I have to do is walk downstairs. I got accepted to a show I auditioned for. I'm pretty excited about it, but again, being torn in different directions. Even though I told my dance employer I did not think rehearsal would get in the way of finishing the season she still questioned me. I do not think the directors would ask for your availability if they were not willing to try to work around it. I also know they director personally, and while it has been some time ago that I danced with her, I think she would be willing to work with me. I expressed I was unable to rehearse Monday nights and told this to my employer who, as I noted, questioned my confidence. I find that people sort of do this a lot. Just like my dance students, people don't really take me seriously. Is it because I'm a nice person? Sometimes I honestly think it has to do with my stature. I'm not tall and I look young. Therefore people sometimes treat me like a child. I'm just frustrated; I know said employer is simply concerned that I may become unavailble, but good God, trust me! I don't renig on my commitments. I wish all these people, students, jobs (mostly) would just for 5 minutes stop thinking about how things are going to affect them and maybe think about why I make the decisions I make.

I auditioned for this show because I love to dance and I miss performing as part of my life. I'm leaving my current job because as much as I love it I cannot live on what it pays and the effort I give it. I want to move to a different state because my sense of creativy needs an outlet that isn't here; I need culture and diversity. I want to walk around and see all types of different people, and moreso, see more people like myself. I am confident in who and what I am, but I live in an area that is black and white. I would love to be more exposed to Hispanic/Mexican communities. I would love to be somewhere with all walks of life. Although my own roots will never truly be represented, living near or around a Hispanic community would make me feel closer to my heritage. I am proud of who I am, but nonetheless birds of a feather often flock together and sometimes I am disturbed that I look around my current residence and see no one remotely like myself. I don't mind being unique in my looks, but would enjoy the exposure to others who have outward appearances like my own.

Time was up some time ago. I continue to type as my students finish their writing project and leave for the day. Sometimes their infinite questions overwhelm me. My mind is all over the place... There are so many things to think about and do. I'm getting nervous about the job search. I got a figure for a full-time teaching position I need to apply for ASAP. I had originally overlooked it because it seemed to be the same thing I am currently doing and I assumed the money wouldn't be different, but apparently, it's much different. I don't know what my chances are though, as I know of one other person who has already applied. It's a damn NASCAR race in my head today. I wonder who will win?

At least now, it's almost time for the pit stop. I will take a much needed power nap for exactly 1 hour. Let us hope my next post is less chaotic.

New Perspective

Things have improved. Was it the physical shower which also resulted in the metaphorical cleansing of my troubles? Was it the pleasure of cooking a nice meal and enjoying it and feeling accomplished for that. Was it the feeling of rest and comfort I felt after I was clean and full. I turned on some blues and jazz music and had an epiphany. Music like this stirs my soul. I'm a dancer because I hear this kind of music and it's impossible to sit still. I come up with my best dancing when no one is watching and I just do it from my soul. I wish I knew how to do that on stage, as I often feel like I look rigid; I don't want to just entertain, I want to be up there and perform. The blues piano in the background and brass beside my ear bring out a passionate side of me. How dancing moves me is often hard to explain to people. Do people who really enjoy something, art, painting, cooking etc. do we all have those moments where we feel like we connect to that thing in a way no one else does. I have a new mission. I must transfer my "no one is watching" self to the stage. I know it's the best dancing I do - in my pajamas all alone :)


Note to Reader: Ignore my super introspective, thought provoked self. Being a little buzzed can have that effect, but I swear it's the jazz too! :)

Outside looking In

I'm not sure where I am today. The day after so called "traumatic" events is always a little fuzzy and uncertain. For 9 months I've been patient and calm. Last May it seemed like every day was like yesterday and to pull myself out of the hole I was living in was a task and to sleep and ignore the world felt so much better. Over time, I healed and found who I was again. Explosive emotions make me feel like I've been through some sort of war. I've missed this space. My computer was down and while there is always the paper journal, I enjoy the ease of typing as I can get my thoughts out faster and more efficiently in some ways. I had a doctor once tell me I had situational depression, but I think maybe it's more like situational loss of mind and senses; oddly that makes me kind of giggle. My day piled up yesterday. Everything kept going wrong. While I was dancing I had an hour and a half of bliss and my head stopped hurting and I was able to enjoy something. No money, no gas, a forgotten wallet no phone, the demands of the people for whom I work. Going to my parents for a while offered solace and I was able to allow the positive energy and love of home bring me around a bit. I was looking forward to spending a fun evening with friends upon my return, and it backfired so miserably.

So today, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I feel like if I could just sit and cry maybe it'd be better. I don't really know what I need to feel better as I've sort of spent the day in a fog. I wrote a long email earlier which offered some solace, but I'm not sure how to feel about the response I received as I am still mulling that over in my head. Its funny what human contact does. Sometimes I welcome it with open arms and other times I shun it. Right now though, I'd love it if someone would just hug me. A dear friend was saying the other day she just wants to feel wanted. Don't we all? Doesn't everyone in a sense, search for a person, or a group where they feel like the belong and are important. Yes, I want to feel wanted too. I want to feel like I make a difference in someone's life. It was a dark, dark place last night. I came out with just a cut. There will be no scars. I'm not sure even what provokes me to put my "darkest secrets" and most intimate thoughts in a space where all the world can see, but maybe it's what I'm supposed to do. While I know of only 2 people who actually bother to look at my blog, maybe there is some anonymous person out there agreeing and feeling the same way as I do. And if not anonymous, maybe I provoke thought or insight to those who know me and read this. I'm not afraid to show who I am, every bit and piece, good and bad. Although after last nights events, I am always left feeling very insecure and uncertain because past circumstances lead people to walk out of my life when they encounter my demons. Repeated reassurance is sometimes necessary.

I hope in a moment when I take a shower, I can also sort of wash the ick away. It was funny, I bought this new shower gel last night that I was stupidly excited to use and when I got out of the shower and fixed my hair and took the time to put on make-up and make it look nice and wear something flattering. I looked in the mirror and thought "Not bad. This day will improve." I wish someone had of noticed and I wish it had. That sounds bleak, but it's just the way it is.

I have to get out of here. I can't work in Charleston; I can't work in Huntington. I need a new slate. This week I have some motivation to get a lot of things done. Time isn't my motivation so much as my happiness is. I need new scenery and a new path. I'm so incredibly true to my Piscean nature. We need change. It is very comfortable to us to have like 3 or 4 life changing events or even what might be considered crises. It's just how a true Pisces is designed. If you are on a cusp then these traits don't affect you as strongly. Teresa says I'm so self-aware. I hope she's right. I try so very hard to be. It's taken a long, long time to learn myself, but it's something which was necessary to keep myself in check. I have to know what and who I am and I have to examine all the things around me to operate on a "normal" level. I'd be an FBI agent in a minute. I used to want to be a cop for the longest time until I found out what they get paid. Well government agencies are out as I don't think having been institutionalized is something that looks good ;) Interesting how certain choices decide our fate. I made some poor choices yesterday in the blindness of rage and hurt. Yet, I feel no shame or apology for some of those choices. Is it possible sometimes you have to fall over the edge to wake people up? Is it also possible that your screams get lost in a paper cup and no one really notices?

"I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell." I've always liked that line. I have so many things I need and want to make happen for myself. It is imperative that I jump back on the horse. I'm quite sore from the fall, but I always carry on.