Slave to the Clock

I have thirty minutes to write. I should be doing something like looking at the 3 job postings I was just informed of, or grading papers, or organizing papers, or even eating the lunch that is sitting in the department fridge, but my head is so busy I have to write to try to get myself straight. I think if I laid my head down on this cold, wooden desk I'd probably be asleep in minutes. I'm exhausted. My weekend was spent running around, dealing with teenage emotions and missing my family who was visiting. I know I probably shouldn't complain as my dance students are probably just as tired as I am today, but all they had to do was go to school today. I woke up at 530am and drove an hour to work. I'm working. I had to cancel a much needed session so I can go home and take a power nap before driving BACK to Charleston to work my 2nd job. I was going to cancel my hip-hop class to give myself a little more down time, but feel as if I've been guilted into it. Of course, I guess I shouldn't cancel, but I'm not sure I'll make it. I see why people are obsessed with Starbucks, as the caffeine moving through my system is probably the only reason my eyes are open right now.

I suddenly feel very overwhelmed. I'm being pulled in a million different directions. I have a million different things to say and no time or capacity to say them all. I have felt about a million different things in the course of the past five days and now I'm walking that fine line between standing and falling. I know I will make it; I always do, but as much as I give and give, my soul is currently screaming for me to do something for myself. What that thing is is so very simple. I need rest. Without down time, this is when things start to get a little wacky. The next 2 weeks will be very busy. On the one hand I am very grateful for this as it does not give me much idle time to think about the many changes that have taken place in my life, nor does it give me any opportunity to be lonely, as I very well would be if I were not so wrapped up in a hundred different things. On the other hand, I need a break. It's coming soon, but what I wouldn't give to go home at 2pm after class and just stay there. I hardly have the energy to stand, let alone teach 3hours of dance class to ungrateful students.

I was rather annoyed over this weekends dance performances. I don't feel like my students really respect me. So many of the things I say every week at class that they don't listen to and then when someone else calls them out on it... oh, it's frustrating. I try to be understanding because they are at such an awkward, emotional age, but when someone tells you "I don't want to do this dance because it sucks," that is hard not to take a little personally. I don't know how to express to anyone really what dancing means to me. I watched some phenomenal artists over the weekend. I watched 10 year olds do moves I've never been able to achieve and I found myself wishing I could teach to students with that kind of drive and passion. I might not be able to do it all, but I know how to teach it and I know how to make someone be exceptional. I have no students who want it that bad. To them, dancing is a hobby and not anything serious or worth more energy than meeting for class an hour once a week. My choreography would win awards if my students executed it properly. That might sound snooty, but I see the potential if they would just give it 100%.

I'm down to 15 minutes now. At least all I have to do is walk downstairs. I got accepted to a show I auditioned for. I'm pretty excited about it, but again, being torn in different directions. Even though I told my dance employer I did not think rehearsal would get in the way of finishing the season she still questioned me. I do not think the directors would ask for your availability if they were not willing to try to work around it. I also know they director personally, and while it has been some time ago that I danced with her, I think she would be willing to work with me. I expressed I was unable to rehearse Monday nights and told this to my employer who, as I noted, questioned my confidence. I find that people sort of do this a lot. Just like my dance students, people don't really take me seriously. Is it because I'm a nice person? Sometimes I honestly think it has to do with my stature. I'm not tall and I look young. Therefore people sometimes treat me like a child. I'm just frustrated; I know said employer is simply concerned that I may become unavailble, but good God, trust me! I don't renig on my commitments. I wish all these people, students, jobs (mostly) would just for 5 minutes stop thinking about how things are going to affect them and maybe think about why I make the decisions I make.

I auditioned for this show because I love to dance and I miss performing as part of my life. I'm leaving my current job because as much as I love it I cannot live on what it pays and the effort I give it. I want to move to a different state because my sense of creativy needs an outlet that isn't here; I need culture and diversity. I want to walk around and see all types of different people, and moreso, see more people like myself. I am confident in who and what I am, but I live in an area that is black and white. I would love to be more exposed to Hispanic/Mexican communities. I would love to be somewhere with all walks of life. Although my own roots will never truly be represented, living near or around a Hispanic community would make me feel closer to my heritage. I am proud of who I am, but nonetheless birds of a feather often flock together and sometimes I am disturbed that I look around my current residence and see no one remotely like myself. I don't mind being unique in my looks, but would enjoy the exposure to others who have outward appearances like my own.

Time was up some time ago. I continue to type as my students finish their writing project and leave for the day. Sometimes their infinite questions overwhelm me. My mind is all over the place... There are so many things to think about and do. I'm getting nervous about the job search. I got a figure for a full-time teaching position I need to apply for ASAP. I had originally overlooked it because it seemed to be the same thing I am currently doing and I assumed the money wouldn't be different, but apparently, it's much different. I don't know what my chances are though, as I know of one other person who has already applied. It's a damn NASCAR race in my head today. I wonder who will win?

At least now, it's almost time for the pit stop. I will take a much needed power nap for exactly 1 hour. Let us hope my next post is less chaotic.