Outside looking In

I'm not sure where I am today. The day after so called "traumatic" events is always a little fuzzy and uncertain. For 9 months I've been patient and calm. Last May it seemed like every day was like yesterday and to pull myself out of the hole I was living in was a task and to sleep and ignore the world felt so much better. Over time, I healed and found who I was again. Explosive emotions make me feel like I've been through some sort of war. I've missed this space. My computer was down and while there is always the paper journal, I enjoy the ease of typing as I can get my thoughts out faster and more efficiently in some ways. I had a doctor once tell me I had situational depression, but I think maybe it's more like situational loss of mind and senses; oddly that makes me kind of giggle. My day piled up yesterday. Everything kept going wrong. While I was dancing I had an hour and a half of bliss and my head stopped hurting and I was able to enjoy something. No money, no gas, a forgotten wallet no phone, the demands of the people for whom I work. Going to my parents for a while offered solace and I was able to allow the positive energy and love of home bring me around a bit. I was looking forward to spending a fun evening with friends upon my return, and it backfired so miserably.

So today, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I feel like if I could just sit and cry maybe it'd be better. I don't really know what I need to feel better as I've sort of spent the day in a fog. I wrote a long email earlier which offered some solace, but I'm not sure how to feel about the response I received as I am still mulling that over in my head. Its funny what human contact does. Sometimes I welcome it with open arms and other times I shun it. Right now though, I'd love it if someone would just hug me. A dear friend was saying the other day she just wants to feel wanted. Don't we all? Doesn't everyone in a sense, search for a person, or a group where they feel like the belong and are important. Yes, I want to feel wanted too. I want to feel like I make a difference in someone's life. It was a dark, dark place last night. I came out with just a cut. There will be no scars. I'm not sure even what provokes me to put my "darkest secrets" and most intimate thoughts in a space where all the world can see, but maybe it's what I'm supposed to do. While I know of only 2 people who actually bother to look at my blog, maybe there is some anonymous person out there agreeing and feeling the same way as I do. And if not anonymous, maybe I provoke thought or insight to those who know me and read this. I'm not afraid to show who I am, every bit and piece, good and bad. Although after last nights events, I am always left feeling very insecure and uncertain because past circumstances lead people to walk out of my life when they encounter my demons. Repeated reassurance is sometimes necessary.

I hope in a moment when I take a shower, I can also sort of wash the ick away. It was funny, I bought this new shower gel last night that I was stupidly excited to use and when I got out of the shower and fixed my hair and took the time to put on make-up and make it look nice and wear something flattering. I looked in the mirror and thought "Not bad. This day will improve." I wish someone had of noticed and I wish it had. That sounds bleak, but it's just the way it is.

I have to get out of here. I can't work in Charleston; I can't work in Huntington. I need a new slate. This week I have some motivation to get a lot of things done. Time isn't my motivation so much as my happiness is. I need new scenery and a new path. I'm so incredibly true to my Piscean nature. We need change. It is very comfortable to us to have like 3 or 4 life changing events or even what might be considered crises. It's just how a true Pisces is designed. If you are on a cusp then these traits don't affect you as strongly. Teresa says I'm so self-aware. I hope she's right. I try so very hard to be. It's taken a long, long time to learn myself, but it's something which was necessary to keep myself in check. I have to know what and who I am and I have to examine all the things around me to operate on a "normal" level. I'd be an FBI agent in a minute. I used to want to be a cop for the longest time until I found out what they get paid. Well government agencies are out as I don't think having been institutionalized is something that looks good ;) Interesting how certain choices decide our fate. I made some poor choices yesterday in the blindness of rage and hurt. Yet, I feel no shame or apology for some of those choices. Is it possible sometimes you have to fall over the edge to wake people up? Is it also possible that your screams get lost in a paper cup and no one really notices?

"I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell." I've always liked that line. I have so many things I need and want to make happen for myself. It is imperative that I jump back on the horse. I'm quite sore from the fall, but I always carry on.