You Covet What You See

I'm staring at the screen not knowing what to write, yet in the very act of not knowing what to write I'm writing. Much like I tell students when they say "I don't know what to write for my freewrite." The reply being, "Write about not knowing... you still accomplish the task."

I can feel my eyes are swollen and my head is aching at my eyebrows and cheek bones. My nose is stuffy and this tissue beside me has long since turned to mush. I know what time it is because Highlander is on SyFy. It will be 2am when Xfiles comes on. I have to get up early but will probably lay here on the couch and fall asleep with my good friends Mulder and Scully. It's funny the things that comfort us. This beat up couch I got from an ex-boyfriend in 2002 and the hum of the fan in the window and the low drones of bad acting as the Highlander seeks out a vampire.

Sometimes you need to cry. That isn't what I've done tonight, as I have my reasons, but just like needing to pee or get off... sitting down and bawling can be kind of cleansing. I'm avoiding the issue, but not sure if my brain can really rehash it right now. Clarity will come with the light of day... Or as I continue to pour out my brain...

I'm faced with many decisions. Most of those decisions I look to with excitement as my life is about to begin a new chapter and I am pleased to have so many opportunities awaiting me. I'm a bit frustrated that the job/apartment hunt has still not yielded any results, but it was only initial in way of apartment hunting. I will have more time for that next week. Thaasaphobia is the fear of being idle. The is the reason I'm always busy. It's not so much that I'm afraid to be still, I just don't like to be stagnant. Right now, things feel a little stagnant. I need to see a change. I'm glad I've got the show I'm working on and now people are getting to know each other better and it's proving to be a nice group; as the weeks go by I'm sure we'll grow closer as a cast and have some good party nights.

So while there are decisions like where to move and when and jobs... I'm not really upset or stressed by this. I do look at it as something exciting. I can see myself eating cereal for dinner, sitting on milk crates and being quite okay with doing so. Those decisions need to be hashed out, but it's not really causing me emotional trauma. Trauma might be a strong word, but I have been a bit distraught this evening...

I'm a creature of instinct. No I haven't been a navy seal or learned how to track scents through the forest, but I believe 100% in my gut. I have a strong 6th sense if you will. Now this might sound flaky to some, but I truly feel like I have a bit of an inner eye. I can sense things before they happen. I get feelings where I "know" stuff. Right now, this evening, I'm battling with my instincts. I'm always true to myself. I listen to that voice inside and it's rarely wrong. When I stop to notice, sometimes it's sort of neat to smile when I see something happen that I knew was going to happen. So my instincts are having an inner conflict. "My head and my heart are colliding; chaotic." Yes, that line would sum it up. I'm a logical thinker as well. I calculate. I deduct. I see logic and reason and while I am a very emotional being, I never forget the logical side of things. So my situation also lends itself to logical fallacies, false logic. I ponder this...

In this life, if you have faith, maybe there is a stronger understanding to why/what your life purpose is. I don't really concern myself with trying to figure that out, but I do believe that events that occur and paths that cross all happen for a reason. People come in and out of our lives for certain reasons. Events which occur shape and mold us. Within the last year I am so very grateful that I've been able to see people leave my life for the better, and also come into it to offer encouragement, courage, understanding, love, friendship and many other things. I've made friends where I didn't think I would. I've fallen in love where I didn't think I could. I'm a people person, an ENFJ I think. My profile is me to a perfect tee. Studying people, understanding them, and being exposed to them make me who I am. I need people in my life. Furthermore, I need the people I care about in my life. I do not let many people in my realm. I can count my closest friends on one hand. When people get that far in I'm 100% loyal. Therefore, it's highly important to me to keep those people close. I'm always deeply wounded when I've lost friends. It's something I truly take to heart. In deciding to "revamp" my life, I can't help but consider the people for whom I care. Last weekend, I grew closer to a friend by sharing a delightful car ride. This past year, a girl I thought was quiet and mousy and would never have a thing in common with me is my best friend and a stoic, unwavering male who makes my head spin in delight as well as frustration is also my best friend, my lover and probably my soul mate.

I'm not really sure what a soul mate is. I could get all academic and look up the words, but I don't really feel like switching windows. My own definition though... Hmmm... Someone you connect with. I don't think people are likened to one soul mate; I believe it can be more than one, but those people would be very special people. Someone could argue that the reasons I'm about to give are solely based on familiarity, but I think it's more than that. A soul mate is that person who can finish your sentence. It's that person that before you even begin the sentence they knew what you were going to say and they crack a grin and let you say it anyway and then you both laugh. It's the person who can read your looks. When you furrow your brow, or grimace, or cock your head a certain way, they know exactly what that means. That person knows every inflection in your voice. They know the way you act when you have a bad day and when you've had too much coffee. They can give you Hell when no one else is allowed. (Xfiles is on - 2am) It's utter acceptance. Every Angel and every Demon is accepted without judgement. They are your cheerleader, but sometimes your enemy. With a soul mate you can share every spectrum of emotions. When laughter is the emotion you share the most, then yes, you've found a soul mate. They are the person that stays up late even when they're tired to listen to you cry. It's the person that does without any expectation of receiving in return. Your soul mate is the person with whom you can dream. You can speak plainly. You never fear telling that person anything, good or bad. A soul mate impacts your life like an asteroid hitting a planet and when they are gone all that's left is that crater.

I'm an English person. I talk in metaphors and similes, but I don't think Webster's would have given quite the extensive definition. So the conundrum of my instincts. I love my friends like family. For the most part, I think they ones that matter will stick around. More specifically, the question remains, how do you walk away from someone you think is your soul mate? Someone told me "The heart wants what it wants." So this is where my instincts are conflicted. If that's true, how does one make their heart change what it wants?