"Open up my head and let me out"

Some interesting music is floating around in my head. It's funny, because the 2 songs that keep playing back and forth show 2 polar opposites in way of emotion. I'm sort of in a a weird place like that though; just riding the seesaw, back and forth and up and down. Take a peek!

Everytime it rains I listen to the sky
And wonder what's so great about sunshine
Everybody lives and everybody dies
And no one's gonna love you like I do

When it was getting dark
I didn't need a match
I never needed light to see you
You thought I disappeared
But I was always here
I could never get that far from you

Though I misunderstand
And been misunderstood
So love me 'cause you can
And not because you should

Everytime it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Everytime it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

Take it as it comes
And take me as I am
I never was a good imposter
But I know how to dream
And don't know where I stand
I'm willing to admit I try too hard
Stop playing with my heart
I'm waiting by the phone
Afraid to be myself
Afraid to be alone

Everytime it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Everytime it rains
I know I'm trying to survive
And everytime it rains
I'm gonna hide myself inside

I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive

Everytime it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Everytime it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

(Every Time it Rains - CharMar)

STEEL (CharMar)

The lost and insincere
They think I need to hear what's in their empty eyes, eyes, eyes
We're few and far between
We've hardly been serene
But stand up to their lies, lies, lies

We are steel
We don't feel anything at all

He took me in arms
But then he squeezed too hard
He wouldn't let me breathe, breathe, breathe
It's been too many years
I've hurt too many times
To give up everything, thing, thing

I am steel
I don't feel anything at all

The way I've been confused
The way that I've been used
And spit out on your dime
And still you lead me on
And still you tear me down
And say it's in my mind

Well I've seen hell and back
I've hidden in the dark
With no one there at all, all, all
I've scraped us back to life
I've laced up both my boots
So try and twist the knife, knife, knife

I am steel
I don't feel anything at all
We are steel
We don't feel anything at all
We don't feel anything at all
Anything at all
Anything at all
Anything at ahhhhhhh

I'd write more tonight, but long nails on flat keyboard is proving a bit frustrating. Sometimes music is the better expression. Yes, I am steel... On my way to the steel capital of the nation and I can't wait to leave.

Noises

I'm listening to the noises of my house.

The window air conditioner whirls and hums.

(I must clarify that it is a window air conditioner

because central units do not offer the same

white noise)

I'm chewing gum and listening to my teeth

clack together, a habit the dentist would

surely hate. And the squish, squish as

saliva mixes with the chewy substance

in my mouth.

I hear my breathe deep and steady, as my

nasal passages have cleared for the first time

today.

I hear my esophagus clinch as I swallow; more

than necessary due to chewing.

Click, pop. A habit that often warrants a "look"

from my father. Click pop.

My noises are metal dishes clanking together

as I scoop out cat food; the half empty paper

bag collapses on itself as I scoop deeper.

My noises are my rubber soles on kitchen

tile and a high pressure facet filling a glass.

The crack a pill bottle makes as you twist

the lid.

Metal on metal as a folding chair is readjusted.

Quiet clicking keyboard. My heart... my heart...

Thumps.

Buzz. It's time to run.

Cut The Cord

Big sigh on my my a mountain lion, hello
Oxygen or baby this one's gonna blow
And we go up, down, up
And we go up and down again
Then we go down, up, down, up
We go down and up again-gain-gain

Three seeds cheap of turning torture into love
I wise up but it's not me you're thinking of
Gonna hold out on me
Gonna go out on her again
And you go frown for sure
And we're real proud you know

And it's the same sad love song
And then it's all right, all wrong
And then we're too weak, too strong
To cut the cord

Stronghold you told me that you weren't into storms
How the sky breaks into what we should have formed
But we are no cloud, no sun
And we're no rainbow that's sure
And we're no street, no heat
Just a vapor in the fog

And it's the same sad love song
And then it's all right, all wrong
And then we're too weak, too strong
To cut the cord
To cut the cord

Just enough to satisfy me
Just enough to gratify me
Just enough to blaze your fire through my desert
Just enough to satisfy me
Just enough to gratify me
Just enough to blaze your fire through my desert

Open books aren't really books without the words
Love's not love if it's not painfully absurd
And then we're hot and cold
And then we're hot and cold again
And then we're shy and bold
And this is crazier as friends

It's the same sad love song
And then it's all right, all wrong
And then we're too weak, too strong

And it's the same sad love song
And then it's all right, all wrong
And then we're too weak, too strong
To cut the cord
To cut the cord
To cut the cord
To cut the cord

-Charlotte Martin

You Covet What You See

I'm staring at the screen not knowing what to write, yet in the very act of not knowing what to write I'm writing. Much like I tell students when they say "I don't know what to write for my freewrite." The reply being, "Write about not knowing... you still accomplish the task."

I can feel my eyes are swollen and my head is aching at my eyebrows and cheek bones. My nose is stuffy and this tissue beside me has long since turned to mush. I know what time it is because Highlander is on SyFy. It will be 2am when Xfiles comes on. I have to get up early but will probably lay here on the couch and fall asleep with my good friends Mulder and Scully. It's funny the things that comfort us. This beat up couch I got from an ex-boyfriend in 2002 and the hum of the fan in the window and the low drones of bad acting as the Highlander seeks out a vampire.

Sometimes you need to cry. That isn't what I've done tonight, as I have my reasons, but just like needing to pee or get off... sitting down and bawling can be kind of cleansing. I'm avoiding the issue, but not sure if my brain can really rehash it right now. Clarity will come with the light of day... Or as I continue to pour out my brain...

I'm faced with many decisions. Most of those decisions I look to with excitement as my life is about to begin a new chapter and I am pleased to have so many opportunities awaiting me. I'm a bit frustrated that the job/apartment hunt has still not yielded any results, but it was only initial in way of apartment hunting. I will have more time for that next week. Thaasaphobia is the fear of being idle. The is the reason I'm always busy. It's not so much that I'm afraid to be still, I just don't like to be stagnant. Right now, things feel a little stagnant. I need to see a change. I'm glad I've got the show I'm working on and now people are getting to know each other better and it's proving to be a nice group; as the weeks go by I'm sure we'll grow closer as a cast and have some good party nights.

So while there are decisions like where to move and when and jobs... I'm not really upset or stressed by this. I do look at it as something exciting. I can see myself eating cereal for dinner, sitting on milk crates and being quite okay with doing so. Those decisions need to be hashed out, but it's not really causing me emotional trauma. Trauma might be a strong word, but I have been a bit distraught this evening...

I'm a creature of instinct. No I haven't been a navy seal or learned how to track scents through the forest, but I believe 100% in my gut. I have a strong 6th sense if you will. Now this might sound flaky to some, but I truly feel like I have a bit of an inner eye. I can sense things before they happen. I get feelings where I "know" stuff. Right now, this evening, I'm battling with my instincts. I'm always true to myself. I listen to that voice inside and it's rarely wrong. When I stop to notice, sometimes it's sort of neat to smile when I see something happen that I knew was going to happen. So my instincts are having an inner conflict. "My head and my heart are colliding; chaotic." Yes, that line would sum it up. I'm a logical thinker as well. I calculate. I deduct. I see logic and reason and while I am a very emotional being, I never forget the logical side of things. So my situation also lends itself to logical fallacies, false logic. I ponder this...

In this life, if you have faith, maybe there is a stronger understanding to why/what your life purpose is. I don't really concern myself with trying to figure that out, but I do believe that events that occur and paths that cross all happen for a reason. People come in and out of our lives for certain reasons. Events which occur shape and mold us. Within the last year I am so very grateful that I've been able to see people leave my life for the better, and also come into it to offer encouragement, courage, understanding, love, friendship and many other things. I've made friends where I didn't think I would. I've fallen in love where I didn't think I could. I'm a people person, an ENFJ I think. My profile is me to a perfect tee. Studying people, understanding them, and being exposed to them make me who I am. I need people in my life. Furthermore, I need the people I care about in my life. I do not let many people in my realm. I can count my closest friends on one hand. When people get that far in I'm 100% loyal. Therefore, it's highly important to me to keep those people close. I'm always deeply wounded when I've lost friends. It's something I truly take to heart. In deciding to "revamp" my life, I can't help but consider the people for whom I care. Last weekend, I grew closer to a friend by sharing a delightful car ride. This past year, a girl I thought was quiet and mousy and would never have a thing in common with me is my best friend and a stoic, unwavering male who makes my head spin in delight as well as frustration is also my best friend, my lover and probably my soul mate.

I'm not really sure what a soul mate is. I could get all academic and look up the words, but I don't really feel like switching windows. My own definition though... Hmmm... Someone you connect with. I don't think people are likened to one soul mate; I believe it can be more than one, but those people would be very special people. Someone could argue that the reasons I'm about to give are solely based on familiarity, but I think it's more than that. A soul mate is that person who can finish your sentence. It's that person that before you even begin the sentence they knew what you were going to say and they crack a grin and let you say it anyway and then you both laugh. It's the person who can read your looks. When you furrow your brow, or grimace, or cock your head a certain way, they know exactly what that means. That person knows every inflection in your voice. They know the way you act when you have a bad day and when you've had too much coffee. They can give you Hell when no one else is allowed. (Xfiles is on - 2am) It's utter acceptance. Every Angel and every Demon is accepted without judgement. They are your cheerleader, but sometimes your enemy. With a soul mate you can share every spectrum of emotions. When laughter is the emotion you share the most, then yes, you've found a soul mate. They are the person that stays up late even when they're tired to listen to you cry. It's the person that does without any expectation of receiving in return. Your soul mate is the person with whom you can dream. You can speak plainly. You never fear telling that person anything, good or bad. A soul mate impacts your life like an asteroid hitting a planet and when they are gone all that's left is that crater.

I'm an English person. I talk in metaphors and similes, but I don't think Webster's would have given quite the extensive definition. So the conundrum of my instincts. I love my friends like family. For the most part, I think they ones that matter will stick around. More specifically, the question remains, how do you walk away from someone you think is your soul mate? Someone told me "The heart wants what it wants." So this is where my instincts are conflicted. If that's true, how does one make their heart change what it wants?

America The Beautiful

Well... I wrote this a while back. I thought it was actually decent. If you listen or are familiar with rap, then seeing/recognizing the beat might be easier. It kind of changes throughout, but I can hear how it should sound in my head. It's unfinished... I'll get back around to that eventually. And uh... LOL! I've been told this is the sort of thing that gets you put on a "list." Well. I guess I'm on a list ;)



When you’re a little kid they teach you
America’s the best.
The kindergarten piano was white,
red, and blue and NASA was the shit and
bein’ an astronaut was cool.
The teacher’s they cried when the Challenger
caught fire and the kids we were scared, but the
People in power – made it ok ‘cause that’s what
they do and Regan and Nancy gave chit chats for
Schools. DARE was the answer to the war on drugs.
AIDs was gettin’ popular, parents didn’t give hugs.
Workin’ 9-5 wasn’t quite enough –
to put food on the table
The cold war was getting’ rough.
The Wall fell down, nations cheered,
Somewhere in the 90’s things were gettin’ unclear.
Kids was havin’ babies and shooting up their classmates,
packin’ heat and actin’ street was the new way to play.
Kurt Cobain, grunge rock, Biggie Smalls, and sex talks.
7th graders buyin’ condoms, marijuana smokin’ mamas.

What happened to the National Anthem and the Pledge of
Allegiance and Constitution?

America doin’ justice in Desert Storm, not a war, but a conflict.
People are dyin’, soldiers gettin’ dead, sendin’ ‘em back home
With a fucked up head.
Orwell wrote a book that was fiction,
But now his ideas may be causin’ some friction.
Watchin’ and listenin’ the FBI, the CIA – people livin’ in fear
Every mother fuckin’ day.
This government’s got us in check, TV’s, media, what the heck?
Lady Gaga, Clinton’s the past, Tiger Wood gettin’ head
and bimbo ass.
CNN, CSPAN, coverage there and back again. People
Are dyin’, needin’ food and America you got us fooled.
News is the hottest celebrity, not a black girl raped in the ghetto,
Please!
Pussified and terrorized and too afraid to be denied –
the comfort And lifestyle that’s makin’ us tick.
Like machines and robots we mimic.
I ask the question you don’t want to ask, I’ll put it in your face and
You can kiss my ass. This nation is bleeding, our passion is lost,
How much can be refuted and what’s the highest cost?
So your kids can grow up knowing Facebook and Xbox .
TV Babysitter –
Wonder why your boy’s a quitter?

Attention spans like a grain of salt, religion serves
As a secret cult....







Uh… something about the constitution and shit….

Things that come to pass

Like my colleagues, I'm ignoring the stack of papers in my backpack that are starting to smell like rotten meat. It's overcast today and humid. I've cleaned the kitchen and the living room and I'm taking a break. I'm drinking coffee and sweating and the same time and The Smashing Pumpkins just went off on Pandora and Metallica just came on. It's May Day. Oh where is my Stag King to celebrate with me? I wish the sun was shining like it was yesterday. I read my horoscope at about 10am when I got up and it said I was supposed to be wary of a bad mood and try to combat it. I thought "bad mood, ok, that's off today. I feel great!" Well... strangely enough now, I've sort of fallen into a more somber place, so I guess it wasn't as inaccurate as I originally thought. I'm watching the calendar... I'm still waiting on that change of scenery. It hurts to miss someone. I still have one more room to tackle and then I need to shower and clean myself up. I'm streaming consciousness... I suppose I may run to the mall and buy a bday present and hopefully get some laundry/paper grading done. After that I'm doing some tarot and seeing how today is a strong energy day astrologically... it may prove very interesting. I hate how the radio can know what kind of mood your in and play the songs that enhance your emotions... so while Metallica is rocking out in the background, all I can really hear is the song before... "Try and love me if you can. Are you strong enough to be my man?" But aaah... now Black Sabbath "Paranoid" graces my ears. This mood needs to take a walk... I think I'll go work on that.

Be Be Your Love

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love


-Rachel Yamagata