All You Need is Love. "John Lennon. Smart man. Shot in the back. Very Sad."

...If anyone can name what movie that quote in the title is from I won't feel nearly as nerdy. ;)


My brain has been full of all kinds of interesting thoughts today; conscious and unconscious. There are many things to consider as of late, as many of the important things in my life are taking on change. I'm streaming consciousness right now so stay with me on this one...

Many of my students chose the word "love" for an recent etymological exercise. I found it interesting as well as amusing that these young adults, boys and girls, truly wanted to research and hope to find some sort of answer or meaning to love. I would say once one experiences this emotions it can be incredibly confusing, so many of us do attempt to put some sort of logical reasoning to it. What better way to do so than try to understand from where the word came. All the essays had the background - from Lufu which changed spellings about 6 times etc. etc. Then of course the discussion of the different kinds of love... I'm sure learning this information did give my students some sort of betting grasp on the emotion they feel towards their significant others or even why love can feel so wonderful, but then also hurt so badly. Many people quoted Corinthians and some of the more famous quotes on love. I won't even begin to try to attach these thoughts to my own perceptions of love as that could probably turn into a book or something. I'm not even truly sure why this came to mind... I guess somewhere in all my wiring "love" is something I've been thinking about.

On the other hand though, this segues into a more academic discussion as the antithesis of love is hate. I called to mind earlier a quote from a song, which then lead me to begin thinking about the concept of evil and that is when I decided I need to write it down because it was too convoluted in my head.

"Do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental? Fundamentally evil? I said, Yes." No clue why this line from a little known Alanis Morisette song popped into my head, but once it did, I ran with it. It's a huge question of philosophy and this quote immediately linked me to the novel The Lord of the Flies, but backing up a minute, I remembered why this thought occurred.

On a more personal note, it has been bugging me as of late that I have had my ex-boyfriend on my mind the past week. It's the sunny weather. Yes, that probably seems insane, but we always seemed to have our good times when it was warm. That's when I have fond memories. This time last year, is also when everything fell apart so I guess my brain has sort of been revisiting that and looking at where I am now. I realized earlier that I was always annoyed because said Ex was so self focused. Even now, in thinking of him, in the past few months, I've made attempts to contact him. His selfish nature has not changed. Things were always on his terms. We did what made him comfortable. The last correspondence I received was of course about him; he wanted to see me and talk, but only when he was ready. Point is, it was never about what I needed. Things were always about what he needed and wanted and what would make him happy and comfortable at the time and it was I that did most of the sacrificing.

So, to go back to the earlier point, this led me to thinking about human nature. Are we fundamentally evil and judgmental? Golding, in his novel, seems to agree that yes we are. Little boys, when left to their own devices, adhere to their most basic needs. Leaders emerge, alliances are formed and still yet we tend to naturally discriminate against those who are the slightest bit different (Piggy wears glasses and is fat, therefor he is the one who gets left out often times). One could consider, would the circumstances of the novel change if the boys were older? Would it be different if it was both girls and boys? Of course those factors add more complexity to the issue, but I believe Golding keeps it as simple as he does because he is making the statement that no, it doesn't matter. Older, younger, boys or girls, we as humans cannot help but to succumb to Darwinism. It is in our genetic makeup to "fight or flight" and emerge as strong and eliminate those that are weak. Is this evil? I think one would have to examine their own definition of evil. In some ways I think it is because we are giving to segregate and point out differences rather naturally, but on that same hand, those traits can be learned... Selfish by nature? Yes, we are, but we are also altruistic. While Ralph feels the need for order and Jack adheres to his basic instincts, it is Simon who truly represents "good" in the novel. I do no think Golding would have included this character if he did not think that within our need to have control, power, and rationale, he also felt that as humans we could achieve and demonstrate kindness and selflessness. Although Golding shows his reader what "being soft" can get you, he is wise to include all of these human traits to perhaps show that it is a balance of logic, control, kindness and power, that makes us the top of the food chain.

So, albeit "academic" I'm Simon. I love. I give. I open myself wide open and I am often times hurt, but my person does not know selfishness. In fact, I often times have to remind myself that it's ok to be selfish and that in order for me to continue to be that caring person, I need to take time out for myself and tune the world out and give to myself. Whether my students found their answers to love, I do not know. I do not feel that is something any of us truly ever understand, but I think, to end this on a positive note, no, human beings are not "evil." In all of the chaos which is this world we live in, I think most people, even in their heart of hearts and the depths of their souls are striving to be what they feel is the best they can be. Some of us are more developed and enlightened than others, but at the most basic level, we're all just trying to survive on this island.

Estrogen and Glitter

I'm sitting alone on a Friday night. Well... I guess alone for the time being. I'm wearing a comfy cotton skirt and a tank top. There is a breeze coming from the window, the light scent of lavender from the candle and the hint of some herb... from somewhere. It's almost 11pm and I'm looking at my coffee table. There is a girl explosion all over this space right now. Xbox radio is playing Fergie, Rhianna, Christina Aguilera and the like... My hands are speckled with silver glitter. Glue, glitter, stickers with butterflies, in pinks, yellows and oranges decorate a easter blue basket.I have a glow bracelet on - it's neon yellow! There's body glitter, lip gloss and nail polish on the table. Maybe all women, all girls, are really girls at heart. There was something very joyful about sitting here listening to teeny bopper music and daydreaming about a boy, and playing with crafts and creating. I enjoy my femininity. I love being a girl - I DO like pink and I love to dress up and put on makeup. Underneath and wrapped in between my interest in cars, and computers and "boyish" hobbies, I'm really a very girly girl.

I'm sure some feminist who is trying to fight the stereotype is out there dying a little inside, but I think all girls, no matter their interests or sexual orientation, have that little spark that makes Daddy's spoil their them rotten. I'd like to hope so anyway...

Yay for glitter!! Rock on ladies!!!

Jasmine and Vanilla have inspired me to write. Jasmine is a fiery girl who tantalized my body in a tub of steaming water. Vanilla caresses the edges of my nostrils. She is a tease, a spirit you can never quite catch, and her I find in memory as a scent.

I cannot determine if I am rejuvenated, relaxed, or ready to meet The Dream King. My body feels warm and calm, a feeling it has needed for several days, if not weeks. My muscles are lax and limp. On the one hand I feel as if I could go to sleep at any moment, yet my mind is very alert and alive and seems to not wish me to slumber as of yet.

I am sitting in shadows listening to the air purifier that really only serves as my white noise maker. It has become a bedtime habit to turn it on and listen to its gentle drone let me pass to sleep. I wear nothing but a faded yellow towel. Still soft, yet worn from use and washing. My feminine hips are too wide to let its fabrics cover all my skin as a slit is made at the very front where gentlemen may long to glance. My pores are open and breathing in the air and I pause to take a deep breath and fill my lungs. My ankles are crossed as I sit rather rigidly, yet I feel so very calm and serene. Soon my skin will begin to yearn for the ritual it has felt every day since I can remember; lotion a plenty upon my tan skin. It's what past lovers have coined "the Kate scent" and have mercy, what will I ever do if cherry almond lotion ever stops production?

My cuticles are cracked and dry, a situation I must remedy soon, as their appearance is sloppy and unladly-like, yet a nail biter I have always been. My cheeks feel radiant and clean from a scrub and now my eyelids begin to droop a bit as all my life's comforts, for as much as I have at this moment, encompass me.

Jasmine tempts me to the recesses of my bedroom where cherries and almonds await me.

100% Concentrated Power of Will

So really this post is about dreams and... what would really happen if we could use 100% of our brains. We'll I'm quoted on a piece of paper out there as saying "We'd be like electricity and shit," which is likely I guess, who knows. Dreams have always intrigued me. The scientific explanation for them makes perfect, logical sense, but I think there is more to it than that. To review science and my understanding of its explanation:

Dreams are "issues" rooted in our subconscious. Even though it may seem like we have that one dream all night long, most dreams only last 2-3 minutes. It is our bodies way of bringing to the conscious mind problems, worries, anxieties or memories. Dreams occur during REM sleep. People who don't remember their dreams don't NOT dream, they just didn't fully enter REM sleep which also aids in the memory portion. Often a dream can be associated with the last person you saw or spoke with, the last thing you saw or heard or sort of a "review" of your day or previous days. Other times if there is a problem a person may be having or a worry, that dream is a way to bring that problem to the forefront. So, all of this makes pretty good sense to me. I think sometimes though, dreams are more than that. I know I have had dreams that are more de ja vu - ish in nature. Or as I may sound crazy... dreams that are events that haven't occurred, but then those events happened after the fact. I can see a logical explanation for that as well, but at the same time... it makes me scratch my head.

I used to have a reoccurring dream back in my early twenties. I'm glad it finally went it away, as it was kind of jacked up, but it made sense for what my subconscious was trying to work out.

The dream I had last night has stayed with me all day. Now it's a little fuzzier, but I always think it's strange when people pop up in my dreams who I haven't seen or talked to in a long time. I felt like it was a "bad" dream. It wasn't a nightmare, but just a sad/depressing dream that put me in a bit of a funk for a minute. The beginning is still very clear. I was at a motorcycle rally (of all flippin places) and I remember it was so noisy. All the engines were revving and people driving... It was a huge field, but no grass. Just dusty dirt. My shoes were dirty. You could walk to different booths and there were eateries around and music playing (that might have been damn Sweet Home Alabama making it's debut in my head from last night). Hal's leather jacket and vest also playing at the parts in my dream as all the men were clad in club colors and bandannas; boots and rough and gruff. The women weren't necessarily "biker babes" but older women, the good kind of people who invite you in and offer you some pie and have a gun and don't mind talkin' dirty. The whole scenario was very southern if you will and yes, I of all people was in it.

My characters: Me, Hal, random people I didn't know. A women named Maud who was helping me find a job and calling me on the phone at a later date. Teresa, my cat and the weird one... Brad. I think that was all. I was with Hal like his ESPN gigs turned into motorcycle gigs instead. He was working. Things started getting weird in a scene when we were in a cafeteria type place...

Waking up crying because you were crying in your dream is a weird thing. That didn't happen today, but it has before. Very strange. Anyway. Brad, who is one of the nerdiest people I know, was at a motorcycle rally... wtf?? He walked up to me and was very assertive in his opinion of my so called beau. I remember saying something like "I haven't seen you in so long" and he said "I know, but I also know you can do better, deserve better and shouldn't reduce yourself to scum." It really was that detailed. I remember the use of the word scum specifically... There were some other details that aided in upset that I won't really go into here, but the scene changed and I was fighting my way through a crowd of people so I could get to a more private area. I was in need of using a phone. Wow! New memory - another character just came to mind... I walked to where the car was parked and even though the rally was outside, and the weather was fine, when walking to the car it was snowing. There was a note on my car from a chick I saw the other day; Amanda. It said something like "I saw your car. You should call sometime." It was written on blue paper in cursive. I didn't get in the car though. I walked to somewhere to find Teresa. It was a restaurant. Again the restaurant was very crowded and I had to fight through people to find her. When I did, I was sort of panicking and almost crying and we talked about what happened. She was eating chocolate donuts, but they were powdered.

The scene changed and I was at home. I woke up, and the digital clock was on and the furnace - little appliances, but no lights. I remember hitting the breaker, but that didn't work because the power wasn't really out. The person beside me had moved out and when I opened my door to see if anyone else didn't have light, my cat, the big clumsy one, got out and ran down the street. I ran after him in the rain with no shoes. When i came back in, with a drenched cat in hand, there was creepy music coming from the empty apartment next door. I remember going in and it was a mess and the music was from a keyboard in the corner that was stuck on a back beat. Aaaah. Suddenly Nikki was there and we were looking at pictures the guy had left behind and trying to open an old bureau. Fuzzy.... My cell phone had 5 missed calls from "Maud" and here... things are fuzzy. I talked to Maud, whom I had met at the rally and she was trying to help me find a job within "the club." We were talking about what would suit me best... I was playing a boxing game on Xbox later and Hal was asking me if she called and why I hadn't been talking to him... Fuzzy... I remember thinking "I can't tell him," but that bothered me. I wanted to. I don't remember Teresa saying anything, just that I told her what happened.

Out of dream mode... I scratch my head and wonder, what did happen? It's there, but not. What is my subconscious trying to tell me if anything? Was this just random firings of memories, aspirations, goals, people, worries...all doing a smashup or is there something else going on there? Who the hell is named Maud??? That's awful. Why motorcycles? I had to go back to sleep to shake the funky feeling I had. It's better now of course, but rather puzzling. I won't spend too much time analyzing, but find it to be significant for some reason. I guess we'll see what else the psyche has to offer when the Dream King visits later.

USA For The Win?

I just wrote rap. I haven't done that since about this time last year and previously it wasn't written down. I was at a party and busted out some random freestyle I didn't know I had in me which earned me huge props. I wasn't really lookin' for respect, it just sort of rolled out 'cause I was in the moment.

I have the oddest thoughts in my bathroom. It's not just this bathroom, it's any bathroom. Mind you, it's not while taking a dump either. That time is specifically reserved for catching up on pleasure reading (because you all wanted to know that about me). Anyway, washing my hair, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup... that's when my brain will go to odd places. Especially brushing my teeth! Maybe fluoride has some bizarre thought enhancing chemical in it. So tonight I was sort of writing rap as I was curling my hair. I've been thinking a lot lately about the government and just the way life runs in general. I get annoyed with parents at the studio, parents in general who don't give a shit about their kids. I watch people make crappy mistakes every day. Selfish mistakes. How is it that the people who don't want children end up with like 6 of them, and the people who do want them have to desperately try or just don't have them? Well, life is like that with most things.

So aside from feeling for the youth of the nation, I was also thinking about my political stance. I was wishing I could have these kinds of conversations in my classroom, but unsure of how to broach it. My students teach me things. I want to know what they think about our current leadership. I want to know what they know about history and the government...

All of this started with me saying I wrote a rap. I guess it's poetry, but in my head I could hear the beat and rhythm; the stress and un-stress of syllables and certain sections. I was trying to do it in my head as I was curling my hair, (see, the bathroom phenomenon) and realized I was losing cool rhymes so I'd have to write it down. Once I got to the computer, 40 minutes later after playing some video games and being a little frustrated, I was able to remember and then just... flow. I think I sort of surprised myself because I didn't know I had it in me. Nor did I realize my feelings on some issues were so strong. I rarely share my political mindset with people. To me, discussing politics is just always a weird conversation to have because people get all bent out of shape. I think it's pretty obvious I'm liberal minded, but I just don't go spouting out my thoughts. So, I wrote a rap that is pretty straight forward and in your face.

I posted on twitter that it was likely to get me arrested, but I don't really think that will happen. I'd probably have to do a lot worse. Just having that simple thought thought proves the whole point I'm trying to make in what I created. Terrorism is a nifty tool! So, I have a few lines to finish and I kinda lost my groove. I think I'll probably post it here when I'm done, just to see what people think I guess. I'm not trying to sign any record labels or anything though. It's just another outlet for my many, many thoughts.

Buenos Noches!

DRIVE

I have four songs, maybe five, on my ipod titled "Drive." It's interesting that so many people sing and write about the idea of driving... Eliot's poem "She Being Brand New" likens the automobile to amazing sex, and lyrics on my list say "...but lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found," while another sings "...ride in your car now, but please don't drop me home... No boy don't speak now, you just drive..." and "drive in drive out I'm leaving..." Yes. Drive.

I waited until I was 17 to get my license. I wasn't a big deal to me, but as soon as I had it, I had something that I needed. The hum under the hood. Rubber tread offering the relaxing white noise of tires on concrete.... pieces of the poem I was trying to write in my head this morning. I don't drive to escape. I drive to relax. I get in my car and I listen. I listen to the pure genius of the machine which I can control. I smell gasoline and the comforting scent of motor oil. I love to feel the change of the engine, shifting from 1st through 5th and the crescendo and fall of the hum of 3000 revolutions per minute. The comfortable cruise zone of 6000rmp's drives me to calm. When I use this outlet it's not about the song on the radio, it's about the song of a motor vehicle.

Maybe this is part of the reason American's embrace the automobile as "The American Dream." The freedom to get in your car and just drive! YOUR car. The open road. I prefer curves and hills and the ability to see a car perform, but when I find my zone, that straight stretch puts it all in perspective. I love to drive at night or when the sun is setting; I also find comfort driving in early morning twilight. Me and the road. The road and me. Solitude on that empty, dark freeway brings peace of mind.

Today, this morning, I found myself in a strange place inside my head. My little demons were knocking around, grinning and pounding on the door and I just... drove. Funny that many people get so nervous and uptight about driving, but I love to be behind the wheel. I'm grateful my father made me learn so much about cars. There is more I wish I knew, but in the long run, I think I appreciate the power and yet, simplicity of the automobile. I know driving is something I'm supposed to do - as peculiar as that might sound. I guess, for me it's an outlet. When I find that 75mph zone (yes, I drive 5 over) after I find that calm, that's all it takes.

Now, I'm in a better place and all I had to do was drive. I drove and processed and let the wheel and the pedals be my distraction. My hands are supposed to fit on that wheel and they do. My palm is comfortable gripping a gear shift and my feet know brake, clutch, gas.

"Drive; take my through make me feel alive..." -Bic Runga

Anger

I'm a word nut. My students are researching words. I read. Avidly. I love to learn new words. I enjoy knowing where words come from, what the mean, how to use them and that certain words can express such feelings and emotions that are only appropriate to THAT word. Quaint. People seem to misuse that word. It has a specific meaning. And what the hell is a knapsack. Oh, yes, I know it's a back pack, possibly used for sleeping etc, but really... a knapsack? So some words are stupid in my opinion. My word today: Anger. What is anger? It's that feeling evoked when someone upset you. It's different than depression which is also evoked when upset, but anger is raw. Anger can be coupled with rage. Anger can be violent. It's ugly. It's dark and sneering. It growls and huffs. It's a rabid animal backed into a corner ready to snap and bite. Anger rises from the very depths of your innards. It puts "fight or flight" into motion. It calls upon adrenaline and endorphins and it is the very thing that tells your brain to tell your arm to tense and sends that signal to your palm and says "clench your fist." Anger can incite us to fight. It increases our temperature and heart rate. Breathing increases and the body prepares itself for calamity. `

Anger is not rational. It is chaotic. It is a tsunami of emotions and when the wave breaks, when my wave breaks, oh beware the path of destruction.

I'm not sure most people really know how to deal with anger. It's a foreign emotion. It feels uncomfortable and most people like the allusion that they are in control of themselves and their emotions. Days of Thunder is a guilty pleasure as far as movies are concerned. I remember watching that when I was like 10. I was young. I remember in anger, Nicole Kidman's character turning to Tom Cruise and saying "You and Rowdy have the same disease...." "Control is an allusion." I've always remembered that. Control is an allusion. We think we can control what happens, what choices we make, where we go, who we see, but in the grand scheme of things isn't it all just chaos? Isn't it really just a butterfly flapping its wings in Japan?

I try to "control" my anger. I know I have a temper. Ted used to say that what I had was the typical Hispanic women temper. In a sense though, I never really minded that. I'm passionate and driven. I'm this way in all the things I do, even anger. I see red. I am the bull. I charge. When the gunshot goes off I run fast. My anger has fueled my existence in the past. I've also tried to push my anger away. I've tried to become an easy going, relaxed person. While I tend to get a little maniac at times, I think most people could say I'm pretty agreeable. I'm not sure most people can imagine me angry. I don't like what I become. Everyone has pain and hurt. Everyone deals with it differently. I can't say honestly how I've "dealt." My pain and hurt is different than everyone else's. I do know many of the things that have occurred, the negative things, have caused anger and it's something I think and have thought I have dealt with. When put in situations where I lose my temper, all the things that have ever made me angry flood back. Not every minute detail, but just that rage and uncontrollable desire to "break your fucking face." Hahaahaha. I'm not violent. I swear. Ok... maybe sometimes, but see... that's the problem. I know these things about myself. I know what they have cost me in the past. I make that part of me go away and when people bring it out... oh it's frightening. I scare myself.

Granted I've gotten much better at dealing as the years go by. I don't really throw things or punch stuff anymore. I've not ever had to go to prison for curb stomping someone. My too logical minds knows where the complications can begin so I walk a fine line...

And the purge, the exorcism, the projectile vomit onto the page cures the chaos.