Anger

I'm a word nut. My students are researching words. I read. Avidly. I love to learn new words. I enjoy knowing where words come from, what the mean, how to use them and that certain words can express such feelings and emotions that are only appropriate to THAT word. Quaint. People seem to misuse that word. It has a specific meaning. And what the hell is a knapsack. Oh, yes, I know it's a back pack, possibly used for sleeping etc, but really... a knapsack? So some words are stupid in my opinion. My word today: Anger. What is anger? It's that feeling evoked when someone upset you. It's different than depression which is also evoked when upset, but anger is raw. Anger can be coupled with rage. Anger can be violent. It's ugly. It's dark and sneering. It growls and huffs. It's a rabid animal backed into a corner ready to snap and bite. Anger rises from the very depths of your innards. It puts "fight or flight" into motion. It calls upon adrenaline and endorphins and it is the very thing that tells your brain to tell your arm to tense and sends that signal to your palm and says "clench your fist." Anger can incite us to fight. It increases our temperature and heart rate. Breathing increases and the body prepares itself for calamity. `

Anger is not rational. It is chaotic. It is a tsunami of emotions and when the wave breaks, when my wave breaks, oh beware the path of destruction.

I'm not sure most people really know how to deal with anger. It's a foreign emotion. It feels uncomfortable and most people like the allusion that they are in control of themselves and their emotions. Days of Thunder is a guilty pleasure as far as movies are concerned. I remember watching that when I was like 10. I was young. I remember in anger, Nicole Kidman's character turning to Tom Cruise and saying "You and Rowdy have the same disease...." "Control is an allusion." I've always remembered that. Control is an allusion. We think we can control what happens, what choices we make, where we go, who we see, but in the grand scheme of things isn't it all just chaos? Isn't it really just a butterfly flapping its wings in Japan?

I try to "control" my anger. I know I have a temper. Ted used to say that what I had was the typical Hispanic women temper. In a sense though, I never really minded that. I'm passionate and driven. I'm this way in all the things I do, even anger. I see red. I am the bull. I charge. When the gunshot goes off I run fast. My anger has fueled my existence in the past. I've also tried to push my anger away. I've tried to become an easy going, relaxed person. While I tend to get a little maniac at times, I think most people could say I'm pretty agreeable. I'm not sure most people can imagine me angry. I don't like what I become. Everyone has pain and hurt. Everyone deals with it differently. I can't say honestly how I've "dealt." My pain and hurt is different than everyone else's. I do know many of the things that have occurred, the negative things, have caused anger and it's something I think and have thought I have dealt with. When put in situations where I lose my temper, all the things that have ever made me angry flood back. Not every minute detail, but just that rage and uncontrollable desire to "break your fucking face." Hahaahaha. I'm not violent. I swear. Ok... maybe sometimes, but see... that's the problem. I know these things about myself. I know what they have cost me in the past. I make that part of me go away and when people bring it out... oh it's frightening. I scare myself.

Granted I've gotten much better at dealing as the years go by. I don't really throw things or punch stuff anymore. I've not ever had to go to prison for curb stomping someone. My too logical minds knows where the complications can begin so I walk a fine line...

And the purge, the exorcism, the projectile vomit onto the page cures the chaos.