"But we're always changing..." Anna Begins... I thank Kat for reminding me of the awesomeness of lyrics of The Counting Crows. I've had an interesting 2o hours or so. My sleep schedule is still crazy backwards. I'm sure going back to counseling next week he'll say "how are you sleeping?" and I'll say "I don't" and he'll say "why?" and well.... hmm I don't know why. I'm a nocturnal creature, but I think I also avoid sleep. So yesterday I came home and needed to sleep and took a nap from like 3-8 and was like "shit!" I woke up for a while and went back to sleep around 9 and woke up again at 11pm and then when I checked my email, for a minute it was like someone punched me in solar plexis and I lost my breath and felt empty. Empty. That was the only way I could describe it. Two tears fell. One from each eye. And then the more I thought and the second and third time I read, I found myself getting more emotional and confused. After talking it out though... it just went away. I was for sure it was exhaustion and when I woke up in the morning I would be sad and reflective, but I wasn't. I didn't feel sad, maybe a little confused, but the emotional surge I was expecting never came. Six months ago I would have lost it, but now "I am not overly concerned." This is a good thing. I think I didn't trust myself, that I would be "over" it, but I am. And then the day got stranger.... stranger in a good kind of way though, as if I was really walking through a dream.
1am I made bacon and eggs. Eat. Digest. 2am Xfiles - nod off. 4am stumbling and noise in the hallway and a text message. I woke up. I was asleep on the couch. I guess you could say Thursday I woke up at 4am because I didn't go back to sleep. I had to kick my neighbor out at 9 so I could take a shower and go to work. WTF!? Shitty scifi movie followed by another 3 1/2 hours of conversation, followed by... Feeling 16 again. Then an 8 minute shower, dressed and out the door. Work was a void. I had lunch at noon and then here is where the nexus started to collapse.
I wrote Ted back last night. I didn't figure it would matter at all. T and I walk in Java Joint. It was crowded people were in line and not in line and I was trying to figure out what I wanted to eat and in my own little world. We sat down and she's getting the low down and I say "I think I just saw Ted's car drive by." Fast forward. 330pm. I'm getting ready to leave work. I check Facebook and I have another message from Ted. "I couldn't believe I just saw you. I just read your reply 20 minutes ago and I was prepared to talk to you." I'm staring at the screen. I think my mouth was open. I'm trying to remember who was in Java Joint and I'm thinking people were everywhere and wearing coats and hats. I was sleepy and not attentive. I saw him? He saw me? What is this weird, weird coincidence. Message number two was kind and hopeful. Should I be angry it's taken 8 months to get closure? Or should I just accept that some people need that long. He said... it's taken this long. I think I'll put anger aside and just accept it as it is. What's the point in getting mad?
So when it rains it pours. My neighbor. *laughs* Probably a one time thing and if not, probably not a relationship. A good guy though. It's sad, I don't think women realize that men seem to hurt more from breakups. I think they take them much harder and have a harder time moving on and healing. The good guys shouldn't finish last. That sux. On the unconventional side of things; in and out and hot and cold, but some things come to light when you least expect it. My intuitions tells me to keep holding on. I'm not too invested. I don't care too much. I am what I am and I do what I do. I trust my gut. I know more than people give me credit for.
As Mr. Durden says, "You have to give up." I mean really. If we are only promised about 92 years in this life, then why not do it all. I'm learning that everyday. Consider the consequences of your actions yes, be kind, be truthful, be honest and loyal, but live life. I don't have regrets. I think I used to, but now everything that comes my way makes me who I am. It's my story. I love the story I have to tell and the one I'm gonna be able to tell. People come into our lives for reasons. Some stay and some go. Now, the people in my life are necessary. They all fill a role. There are certain ones I hope stick around. There are others that will go and that is the way of the world, but for a guy who doesn't give himself a lot of academic credit, 4C raised a good point last night.
The Oracle of Delphi (or any oracle) what if it really wasn't magic, what if it wasn't even ritual or anything remotely spiritual? What if those individuals are just that tuned in? What if some people are just so perceptive of their surroundings that they just know what's going to happen? If one is observant you begin to notice that the same scenarios repeat themselves, the same emotions and feelings; all people have them. I'm not "psychic" or an oracle by any means, but I think sometimes I'm tuned in in a way maybe not everyone is. I feel things. I see things. I'm usually not wrong and that can be scary sometimes. So with all that said, right now, I'm watching the game play out. Right now. I'm staying and I'm waiting and I'm curious. This is ok with me. I know it's what I'm supposed to do.
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