That Cut on the Roof of your Mouth...

Here I pour my soul out to a void of nothing connected to a web of pages and links. I ask for nothing in return. I have simply found a space to exercise my demons. Of course the paper is always nice, but my fingers move faster on little plastic keys. Therefore, this ritual is less painful and the cramp I've developed in my right shoulder can stay away since I don't have to pick up a pencil.

I have the "after dinner sleepies." I could probably go to sleep, but I know it will pass and I'll probably wake up at like 2am and not be able to go back to sleep, seeing as I've spent most of what was a gorgeous day in an unconscious state. I don't regret though, it felt good to just rest and not have to be anywhere. I even had a good meal and didn't have to cook it. That's what friends are for right?

I had a purpose... I lost it. I'm sitting in my snow globe and there they go, all my thoughts swirling around me and snatch! If I can just grab one and pin it down. I had the sudden realization earlier, while sitting through the niceties of dinner and whatnot that I am interested in the lives of others. I ask what people are doing, what's going on, yada yada, but rarely do the people I'm around ask this of me. Of course there are some. That isn't to say that everyone I know is unconcerned, but it was a sudden realization followed by annoyance.

Of course we are all self-focused. This is what humans do. We are in it for ourselves. I hate Ayn Rand with a burning passion, yet it is truly the ideas which she espouses that people embrace. Capitalist whores in a selfish, self centered ME based society. Yes. That sentence is dripping with loathing. I can't think about these things too much. This is the mankind, the world which I wish I didn't live in. This is the place where I don't feel I belong. What happened to giving a shit? Maybe I do care too much - about everything. It will never change. It's how I'm made. I am an old soul. My world isn't this one. My world has passion and cause. My world fights for a cause. My world dies for what it believes. No questions asked. How can anyone walk through this life and refuse to be all in. Jump in. Hold your breath and swim goddamn it! People are too afraid. Let go! Fear will kill you. Fear is killing us all. The freedom you feel when you just let go... it's amazing. It's not about not caring, it's about living. Sure, I still think about what people think of me and the impressions I make, but I only give it so much thought. I am me. If people don't like or accept me for what and who I am they can move along. I will compromise and meet you in the middle if I feel you're worth my time. Prove it though. Prove your worth.

I've had to reassess my ranking system as of late and truly "the benefit of the doubt" isn't necessarily the best way to go. Yes, everyone should start at the bottom and work their way up. You'll get your stripes when you can show me you deserve them. I kinda feel like over the past 5 years, I've been working on thickening my skin. I care about the people who care about me, but I've resolved that I can't worry and waste my time about those who are insignificant. My sponge-like nature can cause harm to my heart. It is necessary for me to be guarded at times. If I could save the world I would try, but I can't. I should reserve my empathy for the people who need it.

Now, of course all of this blogging might sound so melancholy and disturbed. I suppose the next statement I'm about to make could be ridiculed as me worrying about what outsiders think, but it's not. I promise. I am a happy person. I am so blessed. I don't believe I was supposed to have life in this world. An anecdote: I was born very ill. I was hospitalized for 2 months. My mother watched and waited and tells me I fought to live ever day for those 2 months. I was 3lbs. In the course of 2 months I came to the US as a 9lb healthy baby girl. Knowing this about my past, memories which are lost to me now, I love life. I haven't always. I've often felt my fate should have been met all those years ago, but I was given a chance. I'm not a quitter. I fight 'till the bitter end. My family is the most amazing part of my life and like any family we have our moments, but the laughter and joy I find there is like no other. My parents are indescribably fantastic and although friends may be less at this point in my life, the ones who choose to be involved, I offer you may utmost appreciation.

Life's to short to waste it. Be ambitious and spontaneous! Who said being "a grownup" meant you had to be "serious?" Eff a bunch of that shit. I hope I'm the way I am right now when I'm 55. Blessed Be world.