So you guys are probably getting tired of me posting random song lyrics, but I guess that's why people write poetry and music. Sometimes, a song says it better than any other words... Tonight at rehearsal we ran through all of Act I for the musical Hair. It sounded really great for still being new. There's a lot that has been going on in my world that I haven't been able to catch up with on here and I miss this space. Writing is what keeps me sane, but life has been so busy the past several weeks.

Anyway, some of the soloist sang tonight at rehearsal and the lyrics to this song struck me. It's well put. It's something I get frustrated with as far as the way of the world and something I've noticed about myself and others. However you want to say it, courage, balls, spine, strength... whichever you prefer, I've realized that in order to face feelings and emotions it takes being fearless. Emotions which are positive are certainly a joy to embrace, but when dealing with things like confusion, hurt, pain, loss, let down... negative emotions can rock your world. For those who are able to embrace those emotions with the same attitude and nature as they deal with positive emotions shows an individual who has strength of heart and mind. There is a fearlessness to those who face all the music... which recalls a nice line from a poem:

"If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster/and treat those two impostors just the same..."

(If - by Rudyard Kipling - one of my favorite poems)

Negative emotions do not deserve any more or less attention than positive ones. To have the courage to embrace both is strength of character. And now, for the song, like I said, it says it all rather nicely.

Easy To Be Hard

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who care about evil
And social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people be so heartless
You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to give in
Easy to help out

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

Para Todos

"...But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

K8

Quote taken from "V for Vendetta" (2005)

I AM ME

I said earlier this evening, or to those of you who count 1am as the next day, I said yesterday, "What's life if you don't take chances?" and that comment resulted in a permanent piece of artwork on my back. Now, granted it's a gorgeous tattoo, and I'm very happy with the results. It's funny because I think I'm still kind of in shock. I have to say I think for a 1st time it was a pretty ballsy tattoo to get.

Anyway, bare with me because this is about to get very, very stream of consciousness. Oh, how I love this form of writing. 1, 2, 3 GO!!

I turned 30 in March. So for 2 and a half months I have settled into an age which is very much "adulthood." I didn't make a big deal out of it like some people do, in fact, I welcomed the age. Since then, and maybe within the past year even, I've sort of stepped outside of myself now again. I've looked at me and gone "You're different Kate." I've noticed changes in my behavior, habits and general sense of self. I don't see that any of these changes are negative or bad, but rather interesting. Let me elaborate and take us back in time a bit...

1998 I graduate from high school. Between 1995-98 my friends and acquaintances were doing the things all teenagers do. People were trying out different identities, people were drinking in their parents basement and sneaking buying smokes and beer. Everyone was dating, making out, and having sex. People were smoking pot and selling drugs, getting tattoos and piercings and participating in the overall shenanigans of being a teenager. I graduate at 18 years old from high school. I had never had a drop of alcohol, nor had I ever smoked a cigarette or tried any drugs. I had a boyfriend during my 10th and 11th grade year. We "did it," but it wasn't a huge deal to me.

I went to the infamous WVU and still managed to stay sober and drug free. My 21st birthday was a great birthday, but it came and went with no rights of passage. It wasn't until all was said and done that I got wasted in my uncle's kitchen floor with my then boyfriend and had the time of my life (even though Tai noodles on the way back up sucked balls). I was 23 years old. It wasn't until maybe 2 years after that that I ever tried a cigarette, but I take that back because I did smoke cloves now and again at WVU with my friend Rich. We'd take walks on Sunny Side and smoke. I wonder what happened to him... To continue the time line, it wasn't until a year and a half ago that I ever tried any drugs (pot only). And despite having had my tongue pierced at one point in time and various other odd piercings (no vag or tits guys ;) ) I had certainly never considered a tattoo.

So today, I sit at 30 years old having experienced in the past 7 years many things that most people have done multiple times since having turned 30. Sex was of no consequence... sure it was meaningful, but I remove it from the equation because having experienced the ugliness of sex at too young an age... it never seemed like a "big deal." I don't know if that makes sense, but it is what it is... So again, I feel like I've watched myself find myself. When everyone else was partying and being crazy, I was reading books and studying and watching. I was always watching. I was learning and alongside that learning I was digging deep within myself to heal my soul. I was remembering things I didn't want to remember. I was saying goodbye to demons and shaking hands with suicide when everyone was getting crazy on frat row. My troubles were bigger then... bigger than what most 19 year olds should know. So in between all that, I really, really found me. I didn't find me the way everyone has to go crazy and do dumb shit and then live. No, listening to my inner voice and finding the strength the carry on is what lead me to my true self. Now, I'm tapping into that true self even more....

I imagine my mother will think my tattoo is out of character, as was my recent dabble in risqué photography. In some ways, I'm sure most of the people who think they know me will go "wow, she's different now." But the truth is, I'm not. I've always been a little dark. I've always been a little goth. I've always been off kilter, but in that fun eccentric kind of way. My interests are in the medieval, macabre, strange, dark, twisted... I've never done anything for attention.

I AM ME.

This person that seems to be more prevalent at 30 years old, has always been here. What it would seem is that now, I'm finally to a point in my life where I am absolutely comfortable with myself. I'm not putting on airs. I'm not trying to impress my friends. I'm not trying to fit in. I've lived with me for a while now. I'm happy that I feel like I can just let me hair down and let it all hang out; the good the bad and peculiar. I do not feel the slightest bit insecure in my since of self. People can choose to like me or dislike me. I am kind, considerate and do my best to do right by people, even strangers, but if anyone choses at any point to judge me or dislike me, for whatever reason, it's really not my problem. Take it or leave it. Take me as I am.

I am exotic. I am funny, I'm a little OCD. I'm nocturnal. I am tattooed with a serpent interwoven through and around a beautiful ankh. I am spiritual and mystical. I am sexual. I am superstitious. I am sensitive. I am too kind sometimes. I am damaged. I am scarred. I am independent. I am smart. I am a worrier. I am logical and emotional. I can be rough. I can be raw. I am vulgar at times. I am ultra feminine, yet a tomboy. I am not black, white, mixed, asian or belong in any category really. I know exactly who and what I am. I am excited to know that I can evolve and nothing is ever static.

So where has all this brought me and you and us....? I'm moving in a month. My life is changing in so many ways. My life has already changed in so many ways. I'm living.

I'm doing a musical theater show... there is a song that brings tears to my eyes every time they sing it at rehearsal.... "The Colors of my Life." And while the lyrics express the differences between those who choose to live boldly and those who prefer modesty, I'm happy that I've found an even keel. I can live with the boldness of "cherry red" and the subtle "dappled green of trees."

Conclusions: I'm happy to be me. I wouldn't change a thing. Love me, know me, or just read the words I poor out of my mind. Maybe it has taken me a minute to catch up with what everyone did at 18, but I'm so, so glad I took my time. I love the sound of my drum. I march to its beat and that beat alone.

"Open up my head and let me out"

Some interesting music is floating around in my head. It's funny, because the 2 songs that keep playing back and forth show 2 polar opposites in way of emotion. I'm sort of in a a weird place like that though; just riding the seesaw, back and forth and up and down. Take a peek!

Everytime it rains I listen to the sky
And wonder what's so great about sunshine
Everybody lives and everybody dies
And no one's gonna love you like I do

When it was getting dark
I didn't need a match
I never needed light to see you
You thought I disappeared
But I was always here
I could never get that far from you

Though I misunderstand
And been misunderstood
So love me 'cause you can
And not because you should

Everytime it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Everytime it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

Take it as it comes
And take me as I am
I never was a good imposter
But I know how to dream
And don't know where I stand
I'm willing to admit I try too hard
Stop playing with my heart
I'm waiting by the phone
Afraid to be myself
Afraid to be alone

Everytime it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Everytime it rains
I know I'm trying to survive
And everytime it rains
I'm gonna hide myself inside

I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive

Everytime it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Everytime it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

(Every Time it Rains - CharMar)

STEEL (CharMar)

The lost and insincere
They think I need to hear what's in their empty eyes, eyes, eyes
We're few and far between
We've hardly been serene
But stand up to their lies, lies, lies

We are steel
We don't feel anything at all

He took me in arms
But then he squeezed too hard
He wouldn't let me breathe, breathe, breathe
It's been too many years
I've hurt too many times
To give up everything, thing, thing

I am steel
I don't feel anything at all

The way I've been confused
The way that I've been used
And spit out on your dime
And still you lead me on
And still you tear me down
And say it's in my mind

Well I've seen hell and back
I've hidden in the dark
With no one there at all, all, all
I've scraped us back to life
I've laced up both my boots
So try and twist the knife, knife, knife

I am steel
I don't feel anything at all
We are steel
We don't feel anything at all
We don't feel anything at all
Anything at all
Anything at all
Anything at ahhhhhhh

I'd write more tonight, but long nails on flat keyboard is proving a bit frustrating. Sometimes music is the better expression. Yes, I am steel... On my way to the steel capital of the nation and I can't wait to leave.

Noises

I'm listening to the noises of my house.

The window air conditioner whirls and hums.

(I must clarify that it is a window air conditioner

because central units do not offer the same

white noise)

I'm chewing gum and listening to my teeth

clack together, a habit the dentist would

surely hate. And the squish, squish as

saliva mixes with the chewy substance

in my mouth.

I hear my breathe deep and steady, as my

nasal passages have cleared for the first time

today.

I hear my esophagus clinch as I swallow; more

than necessary due to chewing.

Click, pop. A habit that often warrants a "look"

from my father. Click pop.

My noises are metal dishes clanking together

as I scoop out cat food; the half empty paper

bag collapses on itself as I scoop deeper.

My noises are my rubber soles on kitchen

tile and a high pressure facet filling a glass.

The crack a pill bottle makes as you twist

the lid.

Metal on metal as a folding chair is readjusted.

Quiet clicking keyboard. My heart... my heart...

Thumps.

Buzz. It's time to run.

Cut The Cord

Big sigh on my my a mountain lion, hello
Oxygen or baby this one's gonna blow
And we go up, down, up
And we go up and down again
Then we go down, up, down, up
We go down and up again-gain-gain

Three seeds cheap of turning torture into love
I wise up but it's not me you're thinking of
Gonna hold out on me
Gonna go out on her again
And you go frown for sure
And we're real proud you know

And it's the same sad love song
And then it's all right, all wrong
And then we're too weak, too strong
To cut the cord

Stronghold you told me that you weren't into storms
How the sky breaks into what we should have formed
But we are no cloud, no sun
And we're no rainbow that's sure
And we're no street, no heat
Just a vapor in the fog

And it's the same sad love song
And then it's all right, all wrong
And then we're too weak, too strong
To cut the cord
To cut the cord

Just enough to satisfy me
Just enough to gratify me
Just enough to blaze your fire through my desert
Just enough to satisfy me
Just enough to gratify me
Just enough to blaze your fire through my desert

Open books aren't really books without the words
Love's not love if it's not painfully absurd
And then we're hot and cold
And then we're hot and cold again
And then we're shy and bold
And this is crazier as friends

It's the same sad love song
And then it's all right, all wrong
And then we're too weak, too strong

And it's the same sad love song
And then it's all right, all wrong
And then we're too weak, too strong
To cut the cord
To cut the cord
To cut the cord
To cut the cord

-Charlotte Martin

You Covet What You See

I'm staring at the screen not knowing what to write, yet in the very act of not knowing what to write I'm writing. Much like I tell students when they say "I don't know what to write for my freewrite." The reply being, "Write about not knowing... you still accomplish the task."

I can feel my eyes are swollen and my head is aching at my eyebrows and cheek bones. My nose is stuffy and this tissue beside me has long since turned to mush. I know what time it is because Highlander is on SyFy. It will be 2am when Xfiles comes on. I have to get up early but will probably lay here on the couch and fall asleep with my good friends Mulder and Scully. It's funny the things that comfort us. This beat up couch I got from an ex-boyfriend in 2002 and the hum of the fan in the window and the low drones of bad acting as the Highlander seeks out a vampire.

Sometimes you need to cry. That isn't what I've done tonight, as I have my reasons, but just like needing to pee or get off... sitting down and bawling can be kind of cleansing. I'm avoiding the issue, but not sure if my brain can really rehash it right now. Clarity will come with the light of day... Or as I continue to pour out my brain...

I'm faced with many decisions. Most of those decisions I look to with excitement as my life is about to begin a new chapter and I am pleased to have so many opportunities awaiting me. I'm a bit frustrated that the job/apartment hunt has still not yielded any results, but it was only initial in way of apartment hunting. I will have more time for that next week. Thaasaphobia is the fear of being idle. The is the reason I'm always busy. It's not so much that I'm afraid to be still, I just don't like to be stagnant. Right now, things feel a little stagnant. I need to see a change. I'm glad I've got the show I'm working on and now people are getting to know each other better and it's proving to be a nice group; as the weeks go by I'm sure we'll grow closer as a cast and have some good party nights.

So while there are decisions like where to move and when and jobs... I'm not really upset or stressed by this. I do look at it as something exciting. I can see myself eating cereal for dinner, sitting on milk crates and being quite okay with doing so. Those decisions need to be hashed out, but it's not really causing me emotional trauma. Trauma might be a strong word, but I have been a bit distraught this evening...

I'm a creature of instinct. No I haven't been a navy seal or learned how to track scents through the forest, but I believe 100% in my gut. I have a strong 6th sense if you will. Now this might sound flaky to some, but I truly feel like I have a bit of an inner eye. I can sense things before they happen. I get feelings where I "know" stuff. Right now, this evening, I'm battling with my instincts. I'm always true to myself. I listen to that voice inside and it's rarely wrong. When I stop to notice, sometimes it's sort of neat to smile when I see something happen that I knew was going to happen. So my instincts are having an inner conflict. "My head and my heart are colliding; chaotic." Yes, that line would sum it up. I'm a logical thinker as well. I calculate. I deduct. I see logic and reason and while I am a very emotional being, I never forget the logical side of things. So my situation also lends itself to logical fallacies, false logic. I ponder this...

In this life, if you have faith, maybe there is a stronger understanding to why/what your life purpose is. I don't really concern myself with trying to figure that out, but I do believe that events that occur and paths that cross all happen for a reason. People come in and out of our lives for certain reasons. Events which occur shape and mold us. Within the last year I am so very grateful that I've been able to see people leave my life for the better, and also come into it to offer encouragement, courage, understanding, love, friendship and many other things. I've made friends where I didn't think I would. I've fallen in love where I didn't think I could. I'm a people person, an ENFJ I think. My profile is me to a perfect tee. Studying people, understanding them, and being exposed to them make me who I am. I need people in my life. Furthermore, I need the people I care about in my life. I do not let many people in my realm. I can count my closest friends on one hand. When people get that far in I'm 100% loyal. Therefore, it's highly important to me to keep those people close. I'm always deeply wounded when I've lost friends. It's something I truly take to heart. In deciding to "revamp" my life, I can't help but consider the people for whom I care. Last weekend, I grew closer to a friend by sharing a delightful car ride. This past year, a girl I thought was quiet and mousy and would never have a thing in common with me is my best friend and a stoic, unwavering male who makes my head spin in delight as well as frustration is also my best friend, my lover and probably my soul mate.

I'm not really sure what a soul mate is. I could get all academic and look up the words, but I don't really feel like switching windows. My own definition though... Hmmm... Someone you connect with. I don't think people are likened to one soul mate; I believe it can be more than one, but those people would be very special people. Someone could argue that the reasons I'm about to give are solely based on familiarity, but I think it's more than that. A soul mate is that person who can finish your sentence. It's that person that before you even begin the sentence they knew what you were going to say and they crack a grin and let you say it anyway and then you both laugh. It's the person who can read your looks. When you furrow your brow, or grimace, or cock your head a certain way, they know exactly what that means. That person knows every inflection in your voice. They know the way you act when you have a bad day and when you've had too much coffee. They can give you Hell when no one else is allowed. (Xfiles is on - 2am) It's utter acceptance. Every Angel and every Demon is accepted without judgement. They are your cheerleader, but sometimes your enemy. With a soul mate you can share every spectrum of emotions. When laughter is the emotion you share the most, then yes, you've found a soul mate. They are the person that stays up late even when they're tired to listen to you cry. It's the person that does without any expectation of receiving in return. Your soul mate is the person with whom you can dream. You can speak plainly. You never fear telling that person anything, good or bad. A soul mate impacts your life like an asteroid hitting a planet and when they are gone all that's left is that crater.

I'm an English person. I talk in metaphors and similes, but I don't think Webster's would have given quite the extensive definition. So the conundrum of my instincts. I love my friends like family. For the most part, I think they ones that matter will stick around. More specifically, the question remains, how do you walk away from someone you think is your soul mate? Someone told me "The heart wants what it wants." So this is where my instincts are conflicted. If that's true, how does one make their heart change what it wants?