Man, hombre, un homme: Man The Fuck Up!

I need to get this out. Aside from the fact that I was in a car accident, and ran out of gas, the one thing that is irking me is the stupidity of the opposite sex. And really, it's not even the stupidity as I don't want to classify the entire male population, but really GUYS - we can tell the difference between boys and men, at least this woman can.

Observe a scenario: Dressed smartly and looking elegant yet sexy, a girl goes into work to check her schedule for the next day. Upon her arrival her excited friend greets her "You'll never believe this. A guy left his number for you!" The girl is somewhat dumbfounded yet pleasantly surprised. She secretly hopes it is the man she has been interested in as of late who has frequented the establishment, as they have exchanged some flirty/interested-type conversations. Although not her secret hope, she is still flattered to learn that another gentleman had taken notice of her and was courageous enough to take a chance, by attempting to to describe himself to said friend and leave his number. The girl sticks the slip of paper, "Chris - security guard/cheese fries" in her pocket, converses with her friends and goes home. She walks down the street considering her choices in the matter. She contemplates calling a friend for advice. She scrolls through her list of friends, imagining what each one would say. She puts the notion out of her head until she arrives home. Later in the evening she pulls the slip of paper from her coat pocket. She re-reads the short note and desperately tries to recall a face that goes with the name. So many people in such short amounts of time almost every day she goes to work... The name remains a name as no descriptors come to mind.

With a sense of urgency, she grabs her phone and quickly dials the number. It's as if she wants to punch it in before she loses her nerve. She is surprised when a reply text message comes through. There is short banter on memories and recollections. It brings a smile to her face to have taken the chance. Continuing down the path of spontaneity, the girl sees an opportunity, albeit assertive perhaps, to see the male and recall his face. Since she was getting ready to leave for the evening to take a class, she suggested they meet at her place of work for a drink. The male quickly sidesteps the suggestion, stating he would prefer to stay home for the evening. Talk continues and for a 2nd time in this short exchange the male makes a statement noting the females' lack of memory to his person.

THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD HERE THE RECORD SCREECH!!!

With embarrassment and slight annoyance, she again the nature of her job and attempts at an apology for not remembering his face. By giving the following response the male on the other end of the line has lost any chance of continued interest:

"If you're not into me or interested just tell me now."

Um... Ok. This is where the scenario ends. What the fuck is that?!! What is that part of the story?! It wasn't supposed to go like that. What is this obvious lack of self-esteem and bullshit stroke my ego? Men who do this to women on a first date, first meeting, first talking whatever...! They don't deserve a chance. Maybe that's harsh to some but that statement says so much to me. It tells me without even seeing a face, that I have no interest in that person. Although, not word for word, the above scenario is fact to fact. I cannot argue that the language implies interest as all the language is not present, but even with what is described, there is no reason for the male to respond with that statement. It is egotistical and even condescending. It implies insecurity and immaturity. I am not interested in boys. I'm not even interested in guys. I'm interested in MEN. I would love to have children some day. I will gladly and proudly raise them, but really... I'm over taking care of boys. Be a man. Rise to the challenge. Oh, and when I say "rise" goddamn I mean it ;) I don't have a lot of expectations. I try not to really. I try to just accept people for who and what they are, but I'm gonna break the rules here.

My expectation in a mate, a partner, my best friend: Be a man. Take care of you and your responsibilities. Be secure in yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. Stand tall. Stand for what you believe in. Treat me with respect. While respect can be earned, general, overall politeness separates men from douche-bags ;) Be straight. Don't play games. Allow me to support you, cheer you on and be your number one fan, but also, have enough self-confidence that you don't need me to be your number one fan. Attempt to balance pride and humbleness. (that's more of a preference thing) and I guess in a sense I could go on for days explaining what I think constitutes being a "man," but really it's about my annoyance with the lack of self-aware, self-confident, intelligent men. I'm so tired of talking to boys. I know a few men. I'm attracted to them because they are so. I'm kind of all about skip the bullshit and lets get down to it. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean "lets hop in the sack," but all the niceties, the courting, the "dating" phase. It's always the same. So... yah, skip the bullshit. Be a man. Put yourself out there. Take a chance. I'll be impressed if you can prove you have balls ;)

(And since I know no one that really matters in the big scheme of things is reading this, it's still suffice to say, it's how I feel and it's what annoys me about being single, yet at the same time almost makes me grateful I am.)

Can You Play Dumb So You Won't Be Smart?

That thing... that I talked about before, my curse and gift. Funny; sort of changes significance when you switch the word order. Really though, it's because sometimes I wish it away. It would seem that most archetypes of the "gifted" person often deny or shun their ability. I feel like that sounds wacky, like I have sonar hearing or can see the future, but like a superpower, or whatever original ability a person has, it seems at some point those people always love/hate their "power." I guess for me; I'm just tuned in . *shrug*

I'm built to feel. Do you how hard it is to walk through this world and be made this way? I don't mean for that to sound mellow-dramatic. It's just fucking annoying! It's not even because I care! I just feel what others feel. And I see their secrets.... sometimes. And I can't help it. I don't mean to. You would think by now I'd learn to never open my mouth when I can "see," but I do and then people don't understand. No one wants anyone else to see their inner thoughts. Suddenly, when someone tells us we are something other than our projected self, we (the universal we) panic! It's fight or flight. **I suddenly had the feeling that the sentence I just typed echooooeeeeddddd....

I truly suppose my blog here is named appropriately as people may very well conclude I am quite mad since I claim to be especially clairvoyant. Oh, but then I suppose it's really not any of my concern or inclination to give a damn what YOU think ;) (Sorry reader, the truth hurts).

I feel like randomly listing some things you should know about me, aside from my late night, often emotionally fueled ramblings here...

1. I'm a people-pleaser

2. While some derive pleasure from such things as shopping or watching sports, I derive pleasure from seeing the people I care for happy and content.

3. I enjoy giving. Not because I expect something in return, but it goes back to that pleasure in seeing other's happy thing.

4. Don't get me wrong. This isn't ALL people - maybe surface level happy, but I suppose I'm especially generous with my inner posse.

5. #2 and #3 are also strong reasons for why I'm a very sexual person and enjoy sex as an act. ;)

6. People often peg me for a push over

7. I pay attention to everything and have a pretty photographic memory.

8. I hate competition.

9. I hate when things are unresolved - "When somethin's broke I wanna put a bit of fixin' on it."

10. I don't give up when I believe in something

11. I think communication is one of the most important gifts humans have

12. I have spent more time with myself than most I think. I know why I do the things I do.

13. I can be inquiring to the point of annoyance, but only because learning leads to better understanding.

14. I AM NOT UNDER THE INFLUENCE WHILE TYPING THIS (although other posts vary)

15. I believe in keeping promises.

16. I believe loving someone means so much more than what the general populace does/believes

17. Romantic or not, I have fallen in love and out of love. That doesn't mean I stop trying when it breaks my heart.

...I pondered the other evening, "I am a night owl. Why is this?" I feel most comfortable in my day from 2pm-early morning. Even if I get up at 7am and have a full day... still I crawl into bed around 2am and find it rather peculiar to go to bed before 1030. I wonder... am I just wired to be more nocturnal? It is often frustrating that I am, as the night time is when emotions are more volatile. I feel as if I know myself well. As noted, I've spent a lot of time with me in the past 10 years. It really has been 10 years. Reshaping. Learning, growing, hammering away and chiseling to make a better me... truly. I feel like I know me so well, but maybe to an outsider I don't know me at all. What does it mean that I may even wonder what another thinks of me in such a way? It is the curse of Pisces to swim, swim, swim. Around in circles we go, indecisive always. Never sure of a decision because there are so many variations to consider.

Honey, Honey

This is simply beautiful. Take a listen on you tube or find on pandora.

By Feist

Honey honey up in the trees
Fields of flowers deep in his dreams
Lead them out to sea by the east
Honey honey food for the bees

Honey honey out on the sea
In the doldrums thinking of me
Me on dry land thinking of he
Honey honey not next to me

Even if he wanted to
Even if he wanted to
Even if he wanted to
Do you think he'd come back
Would he come back

Oh no..

Honey honey out on the sea
In the doldrums waiting for me
Me in my boat searching for he
Honey honey food for the bees

Now Streaming: Consciousness.

There are so many things I want to write about right now. I often begin blog posts this way it seems; often there is just so much in my head I want to get out. I realized long ago that idle time for some is relaxing and soothing. For me, it is more like a catalyst for madness. I do not do well to sit and do nothing. I must be engaged, especially my mind. Having time on my hands for about 3 days straight is ok. After that something begins to happen within myself. Rather than being able to enjoy quiet time and peaceful days, I become antsy, frenzied and often find myself trapped within the space of my own thoughts, screaming, clawing and running to escape that place which leads me down dark paths.

I'm multi-tasking at the moment. Studies show that we are actually less productive when we multi-task, but I try not to treat my "dealer" like a dealer and do attempt to know her and engage in conversation. We are discussing her current breakup and she has in turn asked how the romantic sector of my life is coming along. I also recently received a friend request on FB from one of my best friends from undergrad who I have lost touch with since her marriage. I have thought of her often over the years and miss the friendship we had. While I am so very pleased to see that she is the same person, and so happy, I can't help but sigh in watching so many of the people I know move on and look at myself and feel like I've gone nowhere.

That's not exactly an accurate statement... I realize and know that from 2005 until now I have worked hard on honing my skills as an academic. Graduate school took up a lot of time, physically and mentally. While many people were starting their lives I suppose, I was still in school, working on what I hoped would take me farther in a career. I graduated and have since spent my time among academics, teaching and working and doing what it takes to make ends meet. I know I have chosen a different path than other's and that is really the heart of the matter, yet, I can't help but compare sometimes. Isn't graduate school where you are supposed to meet people and find "that person." I really thought I had it. As far as I knew, I had it and life was sort of planned out... I think I'm still recovering from that blow. I wish I did not place such importance on time, but often times I feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be 36 by the time I have children. I know I cannot change it, but point being, I feel like I'm doing a lot of things "late." I want to be young enough in a marriage and and a family to enjoy my kids, not be 65 when they are in HS. I fear often that my views and what has become certain "expectations" of relationships hold me back. I'm not bullshit. I'm no games. I'm about equality and communication. I'm tired of emotional trauma and the one person I've met in the past year and a half that I gel with on all the things doesn't really seem to want the latter conditions.

I try very hard to be in the now. That was something about my life that I had to change. So worrying about the past or the future is something I try to strike from my thoughts. Live now. With my idle time and when the now is uneventful, I suppose my mind likes to try to move to speculation. Suddenly, I overwhelm myself with "what ifs." I suppose currently, my issue is wanting to spend New Year's with people for whom I care and realizing that may not be possible. I don't want to sit at someone's house and do nothing, but i don't want to be in a crazy bar either. I'm superstitious. I certainly don't expect others to be so, but with my superstitious nature, I look at events like the coming of a new year, as something important. It's monumental to be with someone that matters to you... I don't ask for a lot. I try not to anyway. I really just try to fade into the background on most occasions....

I love a man that loves me and we find ourselves in this backwards, upside down, wacky relationship and maybe since I got to halfway have Xmas with him, I got greedy and wanted New Year's too. Really... that's what it's about. Really, I don't understand why/how being 4 hours away from a person for 5 months has made things amazing and now that I'm in close vicinity, it begins to hurt again. Doesn't that seem.... wacky or something? I'll start by blaming myself. I guess maybe when I'm near, my expectations change... for some reason.

It's holiday gloom... that's what it is. Perhaps a bit late it came anyway. A song should be written, forlorn like a dirge, for those of us suffering and inside our heads... I've never been so great at rhyming on command.

Hypothesis #297: I have changed my situation for the better. My end goal for the past 5 years: Secure a job which gives me the monetary amount necessary to live comfortably. With said employment also secure health coverage. In the process of doing all this, my domicile and community must be in a place where I feel comfortable and happy. Therefore, end goal is still "in process." Domicile situation is highly improved with hopes of further improvement. Current end results: Plans are coming together more quickly, but dissatisfaction on some life circumstances still engaged. Lack of partnership and congruent friendships is looming. Patience is debatable.

Hypothesis #298: Life is currently still in a transition period and anything static is yet to be determined. Must have own space. Availability to do so - 9 months.

Revelation 1:1

Dictionary.com defines the term sociopath as the following: a noun - Psychiatry a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. The term psychopath is defined as a noun, also called: sociopath, who is a person afflicted with a personality disorder characterized by a tendency to commit antisocial and sometimes violent acts and a failure to feel guilt for such acts. Wikipedia, although it must be noted is not necessarily a "credible" source, redirects sociopath to anti-social personality disorder, stating that the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual defines Anti-social personality disorder as: "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood." Also, as written on wikipedia, sociopathy and psychopathy are considered to be 2 synonymous names for anti-social personality disorder, yet it is noted that the 2 are not to be used interchangeably.

Since I'm not exactly turning this in for a grade or anything I will stop my research at the root definitions of the words. I have a basic understanding of the 2 and know that I can honestly say I have met people with psychopathic tendencies, or ASPD. In some ways all people have these tendencies, but some more than others as it has been obviously proven. Many of my favorite films are based around the lives of sociopaths - Hannibal Lecter, Dexter, American Psychos Patrick Bateman. I find the mind of these people, true or fictional to be fascinating, yet at the same time, on the real-life, close to home level, a person of this nature is terribly frightening.

I'm not sure how much to say. Whether I use some truth and mix it with lies and create a wildly entertaining story, the fact of the matter is... some truth is contained therein.

Sometimes my mom reads my blog. I don't know how often or when. She often doesn't speak of it. I know people who love me and think fondly of me perhaps read the words I pour out of my brain, often late at night or in the wee hours of the morning... Knowing this, I don't want to cause alarm, but as my previous post states, I read people. I can see truth people don't want me to see and my mind can sometimes put those pieces together. I don't know what I've seen. I'm not sure if my imagination, the writer in me who sees a killer story, is overshadowing, but I've seen something... like a sociopath. I'm pondering the implications. By no means am I afraid for my safety or anyone around me, but I think I've been "reading" things I wasn't supposed to read. Again, a gift and a curse. Sometimes I don't like what I read.

And again! No panicking! I'm safe and all is good... just some things I am sensing and I had to write out of my brain... I had to rely on those clinical definitions to put the pieces together. I'm probably being overly paranoid. So maybe, if I decide to stay up late I'll turn this peculiar notion into an interesting story...

I Can Read

Ok... I've been meaning to post this for a long time now and well... I dunno why I haven't. Maybe I've needed to work out in my brain what it is I want to explain; this ability that logically sounds so hocus-pocus and flakey, but yet at the same time makes sense. I can't help but wonder if it is a gift unique to me or there are other people who can see and do what I do.

Go with me on this, because in order for this to make sense in some ways I have to draw on a slightly fictional example. Over the past month I have been watching the TV series Lie to Me. The series has it's basis on the life of Dr. Paul Ekman, a psychologist famous for his studies in emotion as they relate to facial expression. I was interested in the subject matter for some personal reasons which will come to light, but I even checked out a book from the library that Dr. Ekman wrote about facial expression. One book and a TV show certainly don't make me an expert, but here's my interest...

It is often or source of contention and a challenging, ongoing problem for the 2 lead characters to not "read" each other. They are both highly skilled and trained in reading peoples' body language, facial expression and speech pattern in order to detect lies and deceit. What this also allows them is the ability to see other emotions and feelings besides deceit. Hence, they must be careful not to "read" each other and see too far in because there are some things people wish to remain secret, or some thought we wish not to share with another. Having this ability is like mind reading in a sense. Under the circumstances of the show as it is written, Dr. Lightman and Foster, (Lightman more so) can always see what people are thinking.

Now, this is the part of this post where I start to feel a little wacky. I became extremely interested in the above subject matter because I am clairvoyant in this sense. Sometimes I hate it. I certainly don't claim be doctor, or psychic or anything, as there truly are people who study these things as a science. I don't even really read peoples facial expressions so much as I can see things in their faces sometimes, but also in their body's and especially the way people speak. It's what Hal has complained about before... I'm impossible to bullshit. Maybe not impossible; I can be fooled, but simply it's hard to pull the wool over my eyes. I often feel like I see everything and I often see by feeling. It's a combination of being observant, and sensitive to feelings, and learning people. I study people all the time and I know they don't know it. I know things about my roommate he has never told me, but he didn't have to... I hear them in tone of voice, and choice of words. I know what's between the lines - because really, if you think about it, people often give themselves away... you just have to look for the little things; the small details that usually go unnoticed.

Ok, that was kind of rambling, but the point is made. I can "read" people. I hate it sometimes. I hate that I can look at a person and see pain, or when they are uncomfortable in a group situation and trying to hard to fit in and be like everyone else. In some ways I feel like I'm not quite conveying how sudden and personal of an experience this can be. I just figure things out about people. I figure things out about people I know they probably wouldn't want me to know. I figure things out you tell best friends and people you trust. Most people don't want another person inside their head that much and I can go there with people. I don't really like to be inside that deep and I enjoy the freedom of being able to get out and not concern myself, but that doesn't mean I didn't see it... some things you see stay with you. Sometimes you learn something about a person you wish you didn't know. Sometimes you feel a person's pain you wish they weren't feeling, let alone yourself.

I feel like whatever this is... is a gift in a way. I feel like I should do something with it, but I don't know what. I think sometimes I annoy people because I ask lots of questions. When I meet people I ask them lots of questions. I mean, not at first, but over the course of knowing me, I like to ask the "not everyday" questions. My reasoning; when you know how people lived, how they grew up, what their values are, what matters to them.... then it's easier to understand that person as an individual. It's almost like you gain the ability to be completely accepting. If I understand the reasons behind another's actions and motivation then I feel like I truly know them.

Example: I know my best friend has been through some very tense, dangerous, life-threatening situations. I know how those situations have affected relationships and life outlooks and values and morals. Because I've asked these questions and gained this information, it tells me a lot about why said friend makes some of the choices and decisions made in life. It tells me why they react the way they do about certain things, or why the sometimes don't react at all.

Sometimes in people, I don't like what I see. I can read when a guy is a player. I can tell when someone is a backstabbing friend. I can listen and know when someone is annoyed at their spouse; word choice, tone, body language and facial expression give it all away and I notice those things. Maybe everyone really can do this to an extent. I believe most people would say that when they have known another person for an extended period of time they start to pick up on those things, but I can do it from a first meeting usually. I'm not saying I'm special or better than anyone else... It's just weird. People show so much when often times they are trying so hard not to...

I need to write about my other so called "super power" soon. Is anyone calling the looney bin yet? Yah.. I told T about that one... Superman has sonar hearing. I have like some kind of sonar feeling... but we'll do that another night.

"...the 'little death' that bring total obliteration."

Tonight I told Twitter that if Frank Herbert were still alive, I'd love to shake his hand. Today, I've lived in fear. I forgot my mantra. I've been so scared all day and I'm not even sure of what. Myself? My surroundings? The pain in my stomach from retching and vomiting? I think today, I'm afraid of people. I've wanted to be alone, but not. What I've wanted is just someone near me that loves me. I got that today through telephone calls, but if someone were just holding my hand right now, I think I'd even feel a little better.

Trust. I'm afraid to trust. I'm trying to work my feelings out. I'm not sure what is going on in my head space right now. I'm so tired. And it wasn't until an hour ago, that the fuzzy, spacey feeling finally went away and I woke up drenched in sweat from a terrible, peculiar dream, and then, I started to feel a little more like me. I wish I could take a shower. I want to wash away how I feel. I wish I were going to bed feeling fresh and clean. I even drove to walmart at 945 just so I could try to unclog the bathtub drain. My attempts were in vain.

I've missed this space. I've often commented about the way the keys sound when I type. There is something strangely comforting about sitting in this room and just listening to that noise as I pour my brain out on paper... cyber paper. I've wanted to write, but I've been so pulled every which way, whenever I sit down to think about doing it... I'm just usually tired. That isn't to say that life isn't good. I've been very busy and unlike the first few weeks of my new adventure, I haven't had a lot of downtime. I spend most evenings (early) hanging about with my neighbors. 7 o'clock is the time everyone gathers around and we enjoy each others company. I go to bed early these days. I think that's good for me, but at the same time, I sort of miss my night owlish ways. I just don't tend to stay up late because Joe goes to bed so early - I've not been previously accustomed to having to be quiet at 9pm.

I miss my friends. I'm making new friends and meeting cool people, but I truly miss the people who know me. So much. I think I will have to go home again before Thanksgiving.

Hal has been in rare form. That's a good thing. I will revisit this thought momentarily... He's my best friend...

Dreams are so telling, I realized I must hash this dream out before going into lovey dovey lala land. I said I've been afraid, all day. I was afraid last night. My dreams... I went to see Hal, only he wasn't himself. It looked like him, but he acted like he didn't know me. I remember in my dream I needed him and he wasn't there. I ran and I cried because I felt so alone. The other peculiar details aren't worth mentioning at the moment, but I know I dreamt that scenario because I really was afraid of being alone - just without anyone to go to. I am an extrovert. I depend, in some ways on people to make me feel complete. I feel like that sounds weird, but I thrive in social atmosphere. It is the human connection that helps make me tick. It is also knowing that while I need that connection, my solitude is also very important because that helps me stay sane.

This is helping. I think I will be able to go to sleep without worry, or without as much as I had. I have a feeling (I hope) that at about noon tomorrow I am going to be ravenously hungry. Pretzels and gatorade aren't much of a meal for an entire day.

But yes, rare form. Because I understand so clearly why he does the things he does. Miles from me... he loves me. I'm not entirely sure what changed and at what point he became comfortable expressing his feelings for me, but he has. He does the best he can for what he can give me. I know that it frustrates him that he can't give me more. It makes logical sense why he can't be my boyfriend. I know he places value in such a role. If he cannot fulfill it 100% then it's not fair. We have an amazing relationship. I am so grateful. Even when I've been angry or upset and confused... in the long run, the good outweighs the bad.

Teresa. I'm not sure she ever thinks about wanting to have children. I'm not sure that's a conversation we've ever had, but what Teresa should know, is one day, she'll be a wonderful mother. It's a pity the phrase "kindness is a virtue" is somewhat cliche, but it is. She is so kind. She strives so hard to be a good person. She is a good person and oh, you dear friends so far away right now, how I wish I could put my arms around you both and hug you and tell you I love you.

I have fallen a bit out of touch with dear Kathleen. Only snipits of conversation. I must improve that.

When Paul puts his hand in the box it burns. His skin turns red and begins to bubble and boil. This is truly one of my favorite parts of the book. The witch demands "Put your hand in the box!" And... (I smile) Paul wins. "I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass over me and through me." My hand's been in the box all day... and now, passing over me and through me is fear... and slowly, creepingly, I'm winning... with time, like mother says, "Time heals all wounds" or "This too shall pass..." Maybe now and upon the morrow:

"And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone will be nothing.

Only I will remain."

I must buy a copy of Dune tomorrow. Goodnight world.