100% Concentrated Power of Will

So really this post is about dreams and... what would really happen if we could use 100% of our brains. We'll I'm quoted on a piece of paper out there as saying "We'd be like electricity and shit," which is likely I guess, who knows. Dreams have always intrigued me. The scientific explanation for them makes perfect, logical sense, but I think there is more to it than that. To review science and my understanding of its explanation:

Dreams are "issues" rooted in our subconscious. Even though it may seem like we have that one dream all night long, most dreams only last 2-3 minutes. It is our bodies way of bringing to the conscious mind problems, worries, anxieties or memories. Dreams occur during REM sleep. People who don't remember their dreams don't NOT dream, they just didn't fully enter REM sleep which also aids in the memory portion. Often a dream can be associated with the last person you saw or spoke with, the last thing you saw or heard or sort of a "review" of your day or previous days. Other times if there is a problem a person may be having or a worry, that dream is a way to bring that problem to the forefront. So, all of this makes pretty good sense to me. I think sometimes though, dreams are more than that. I know I have had dreams that are more de ja vu - ish in nature. Or as I may sound crazy... dreams that are events that haven't occurred, but then those events happened after the fact. I can see a logical explanation for that as well, but at the same time... it makes me scratch my head.

I used to have a reoccurring dream back in my early twenties. I'm glad it finally went it away, as it was kind of jacked up, but it made sense for what my subconscious was trying to work out.

The dream I had last night has stayed with me all day. Now it's a little fuzzier, but I always think it's strange when people pop up in my dreams who I haven't seen or talked to in a long time. I felt like it was a "bad" dream. It wasn't a nightmare, but just a sad/depressing dream that put me in a bit of a funk for a minute. The beginning is still very clear. I was at a motorcycle rally (of all flippin places) and I remember it was so noisy. All the engines were revving and people driving... It was a huge field, but no grass. Just dusty dirt. My shoes were dirty. You could walk to different booths and there were eateries around and music playing (that might have been damn Sweet Home Alabama making it's debut in my head from last night). Hal's leather jacket and vest also playing at the parts in my dream as all the men were clad in club colors and bandannas; boots and rough and gruff. The women weren't necessarily "biker babes" but older women, the good kind of people who invite you in and offer you some pie and have a gun and don't mind talkin' dirty. The whole scenario was very southern if you will and yes, I of all people was in it.

My characters: Me, Hal, random people I didn't know. A women named Maud who was helping me find a job and calling me on the phone at a later date. Teresa, my cat and the weird one... Brad. I think that was all. I was with Hal like his ESPN gigs turned into motorcycle gigs instead. He was working. Things started getting weird in a scene when we were in a cafeteria type place...

Waking up crying because you were crying in your dream is a weird thing. That didn't happen today, but it has before. Very strange. Anyway. Brad, who is one of the nerdiest people I know, was at a motorcycle rally... wtf?? He walked up to me and was very assertive in his opinion of my so called beau. I remember saying something like "I haven't seen you in so long" and he said "I know, but I also know you can do better, deserve better and shouldn't reduce yourself to scum." It really was that detailed. I remember the use of the word scum specifically... There were some other details that aided in upset that I won't really go into here, but the scene changed and I was fighting my way through a crowd of people so I could get to a more private area. I was in need of using a phone. Wow! New memory - another character just came to mind... I walked to where the car was parked and even though the rally was outside, and the weather was fine, when walking to the car it was snowing. There was a note on my car from a chick I saw the other day; Amanda. It said something like "I saw your car. You should call sometime." It was written on blue paper in cursive. I didn't get in the car though. I walked to somewhere to find Teresa. It was a restaurant. Again the restaurant was very crowded and I had to fight through people to find her. When I did, I was sort of panicking and almost crying and we talked about what happened. She was eating chocolate donuts, but they were powdered.

The scene changed and I was at home. I woke up, and the digital clock was on and the furnace - little appliances, but no lights. I remember hitting the breaker, but that didn't work because the power wasn't really out. The person beside me had moved out and when I opened my door to see if anyone else didn't have light, my cat, the big clumsy one, got out and ran down the street. I ran after him in the rain with no shoes. When i came back in, with a drenched cat in hand, there was creepy music coming from the empty apartment next door. I remember going in and it was a mess and the music was from a keyboard in the corner that was stuck on a back beat. Aaaah. Suddenly Nikki was there and we were looking at pictures the guy had left behind and trying to open an old bureau. Fuzzy.... My cell phone had 5 missed calls from "Maud" and here... things are fuzzy. I talked to Maud, whom I had met at the rally and she was trying to help me find a job within "the club." We were talking about what would suit me best... I was playing a boxing game on Xbox later and Hal was asking me if she called and why I hadn't been talking to him... Fuzzy... I remember thinking "I can't tell him," but that bothered me. I wanted to. I don't remember Teresa saying anything, just that I told her what happened.

Out of dream mode... I scratch my head and wonder, what did happen? It's there, but not. What is my subconscious trying to tell me if anything? Was this just random firings of memories, aspirations, goals, people, worries...all doing a smashup or is there something else going on there? Who the hell is named Maud??? That's awful. Why motorcycles? I had to go back to sleep to shake the funky feeling I had. It's better now of course, but rather puzzling. I won't spend too much time analyzing, but find it to be significant for some reason. I guess we'll see what else the psyche has to offer when the Dream King visits later.

USA For The Win?

I just wrote rap. I haven't done that since about this time last year and previously it wasn't written down. I was at a party and busted out some random freestyle I didn't know I had in me which earned me huge props. I wasn't really lookin' for respect, it just sort of rolled out 'cause I was in the moment.

I have the oddest thoughts in my bathroom. It's not just this bathroom, it's any bathroom. Mind you, it's not while taking a dump either. That time is specifically reserved for catching up on pleasure reading (because you all wanted to know that about me). Anyway, washing my hair, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup... that's when my brain will go to odd places. Especially brushing my teeth! Maybe fluoride has some bizarre thought enhancing chemical in it. So tonight I was sort of writing rap as I was curling my hair. I've been thinking a lot lately about the government and just the way life runs in general. I get annoyed with parents at the studio, parents in general who don't give a shit about their kids. I watch people make crappy mistakes every day. Selfish mistakes. How is it that the people who don't want children end up with like 6 of them, and the people who do want them have to desperately try or just don't have them? Well, life is like that with most things.

So aside from feeling for the youth of the nation, I was also thinking about my political stance. I was wishing I could have these kinds of conversations in my classroom, but unsure of how to broach it. My students teach me things. I want to know what they think about our current leadership. I want to know what they know about history and the government...

All of this started with me saying I wrote a rap. I guess it's poetry, but in my head I could hear the beat and rhythm; the stress and un-stress of syllables and certain sections. I was trying to do it in my head as I was curling my hair, (see, the bathroom phenomenon) and realized I was losing cool rhymes so I'd have to write it down. Once I got to the computer, 40 minutes later after playing some video games and being a little frustrated, I was able to remember and then just... flow. I think I sort of surprised myself because I didn't know I had it in me. Nor did I realize my feelings on some issues were so strong. I rarely share my political mindset with people. To me, discussing politics is just always a weird conversation to have because people get all bent out of shape. I think it's pretty obvious I'm liberal minded, but I just don't go spouting out my thoughts. So, I wrote a rap that is pretty straight forward and in your face.

I posted on twitter that it was likely to get me arrested, but I don't really think that will happen. I'd probably have to do a lot worse. Just having that simple thought thought proves the whole point I'm trying to make in what I created. Terrorism is a nifty tool! So, I have a few lines to finish and I kinda lost my groove. I think I'll probably post it here when I'm done, just to see what people think I guess. I'm not trying to sign any record labels or anything though. It's just another outlet for my many, many thoughts.

Buenos Noches!

DRIVE

I have four songs, maybe five, on my ipod titled "Drive." It's interesting that so many people sing and write about the idea of driving... Eliot's poem "She Being Brand New" likens the automobile to amazing sex, and lyrics on my list say "...but lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found," while another sings "...ride in your car now, but please don't drop me home... No boy don't speak now, you just drive..." and "drive in drive out I'm leaving..." Yes. Drive.

I waited until I was 17 to get my license. I wasn't a big deal to me, but as soon as I had it, I had something that I needed. The hum under the hood. Rubber tread offering the relaxing white noise of tires on concrete.... pieces of the poem I was trying to write in my head this morning. I don't drive to escape. I drive to relax. I get in my car and I listen. I listen to the pure genius of the machine which I can control. I smell gasoline and the comforting scent of motor oil. I love to feel the change of the engine, shifting from 1st through 5th and the crescendo and fall of the hum of 3000 revolutions per minute. The comfortable cruise zone of 6000rmp's drives me to calm. When I use this outlet it's not about the song on the radio, it's about the song of a motor vehicle.

Maybe this is part of the reason American's embrace the automobile as "The American Dream." The freedom to get in your car and just drive! YOUR car. The open road. I prefer curves and hills and the ability to see a car perform, but when I find my zone, that straight stretch puts it all in perspective. I love to drive at night or when the sun is setting; I also find comfort driving in early morning twilight. Me and the road. The road and me. Solitude on that empty, dark freeway brings peace of mind.

Today, this morning, I found myself in a strange place inside my head. My little demons were knocking around, grinning and pounding on the door and I just... drove. Funny that many people get so nervous and uptight about driving, but I love to be behind the wheel. I'm grateful my father made me learn so much about cars. There is more I wish I knew, but in the long run, I think I appreciate the power and yet, simplicity of the automobile. I know driving is something I'm supposed to do - as peculiar as that might sound. I guess, for me it's an outlet. When I find that 75mph zone (yes, I drive 5 over) after I find that calm, that's all it takes.

Now, I'm in a better place and all I had to do was drive. I drove and processed and let the wheel and the pedals be my distraction. My hands are supposed to fit on that wheel and they do. My palm is comfortable gripping a gear shift and my feet know brake, clutch, gas.

"Drive; take my through make me feel alive..." -Bic Runga

Anger

I'm a word nut. My students are researching words. I read. Avidly. I love to learn new words. I enjoy knowing where words come from, what the mean, how to use them and that certain words can express such feelings and emotions that are only appropriate to THAT word. Quaint. People seem to misuse that word. It has a specific meaning. And what the hell is a knapsack. Oh, yes, I know it's a back pack, possibly used for sleeping etc, but really... a knapsack? So some words are stupid in my opinion. My word today: Anger. What is anger? It's that feeling evoked when someone upset you. It's different than depression which is also evoked when upset, but anger is raw. Anger can be coupled with rage. Anger can be violent. It's ugly. It's dark and sneering. It growls and huffs. It's a rabid animal backed into a corner ready to snap and bite. Anger rises from the very depths of your innards. It puts "fight or flight" into motion. It calls upon adrenaline and endorphins and it is the very thing that tells your brain to tell your arm to tense and sends that signal to your palm and says "clench your fist." Anger can incite us to fight. It increases our temperature and heart rate. Breathing increases and the body prepares itself for calamity. `

Anger is not rational. It is chaotic. It is a tsunami of emotions and when the wave breaks, when my wave breaks, oh beware the path of destruction.

I'm not sure most people really know how to deal with anger. It's a foreign emotion. It feels uncomfortable and most people like the allusion that they are in control of themselves and their emotions. Days of Thunder is a guilty pleasure as far as movies are concerned. I remember watching that when I was like 10. I was young. I remember in anger, Nicole Kidman's character turning to Tom Cruise and saying "You and Rowdy have the same disease...." "Control is an allusion." I've always remembered that. Control is an allusion. We think we can control what happens, what choices we make, where we go, who we see, but in the grand scheme of things isn't it all just chaos? Isn't it really just a butterfly flapping its wings in Japan?

I try to "control" my anger. I know I have a temper. Ted used to say that what I had was the typical Hispanic women temper. In a sense though, I never really minded that. I'm passionate and driven. I'm this way in all the things I do, even anger. I see red. I am the bull. I charge. When the gunshot goes off I run fast. My anger has fueled my existence in the past. I've also tried to push my anger away. I've tried to become an easy going, relaxed person. While I tend to get a little maniac at times, I think most people could say I'm pretty agreeable. I'm not sure most people can imagine me angry. I don't like what I become. Everyone has pain and hurt. Everyone deals with it differently. I can't say honestly how I've "dealt." My pain and hurt is different than everyone else's. I do know many of the things that have occurred, the negative things, have caused anger and it's something I think and have thought I have dealt with. When put in situations where I lose my temper, all the things that have ever made me angry flood back. Not every minute detail, but just that rage and uncontrollable desire to "break your fucking face." Hahaahaha. I'm not violent. I swear. Ok... maybe sometimes, but see... that's the problem. I know these things about myself. I know what they have cost me in the past. I make that part of me go away and when people bring it out... oh it's frightening. I scare myself.

Granted I've gotten much better at dealing as the years go by. I don't really throw things or punch stuff anymore. I've not ever had to go to prison for curb stomping someone. My too logical minds knows where the complications can begin so I walk a fine line...

And the purge, the exorcism, the projectile vomit onto the page cures the chaos.