"... But what a fool believes... he sees. No wise man has the power to reason away. What seems to be... is always better than nothing. There's nothing at all."
-The Doobie Brothers What A Fool Believes
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
"And I step outside and say 'Hey!!!!'
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!
In the background my parents TV droned at 7pm... A catchy, thriller-like intro to the special report being broadcast on CNN tonight. An enthusiastic newscaster, I imagine being filmed in front of the White House, begins reporting on how he will be covering the story on the dilemma in Washington and the Clash of the Parties and the debt ceiling crisis!!! Doesn't that sound so...Hollywood? Who the Hell thought that up? Another voice then took over and more matter of factly explained that the special would cover how the Congress and Senate work, while focusing on the debt ceiling issue. And so it begins... as the distraction yammers behind me and continues to trip up my spelling for some reason, I listen to cued music as scenes and cuts are introduced and faded out. I'm hearing those scary words like "Teaparty" "Republicans" and "Liberals." People are being interviewed, and as I briefly left the room to check on my spelling of "factly" I caught the nicely laid out newscast with clear pictures aimed toward pertinent points, fade ins and outs of information and computer graphics.
Suddenly people are asking the public questions like, "Are you well taken care of?" Excuse me? Would someone remind me the last time "they" asked the public that question? In some brief research, it would seem that CNN tries to be pretty even and they aren't a channel that particularly sides with a party; their stories and interviews truly do appear to be about reporting the news, yet it would seem no one can escape Big Brother, even if you're trying to play fair.
What do I mean? Oh? Well... As this Debt Ceiling thing is a very big deal and very real, it's also a little... Staged? Of course, CNN and its producers have had several weeks to gather their information and put together a well informed newscast, but something about their immediacy in reporting makes me wonder. They are reporting on some events that have only just occurred. How could they put all of this together so quickly? Oh, wait! I know!! You don't record everything all at once and can cut and splice different interviews and pieces in later. Well... While, the latter is true, there is still something just a little fishy. (Praise Scooby Doo for putting that word into my vocabulary at the age of 6!)
It's hard for me to admit that I may possibly be over the fence when it comes to being a conspiracy theorist, but in my own defense, I really just think it's being a cautious realist :D Maybe I see things through a darker lens, but so many of the "newscasts" of my adult life have turned into farces. Not even "turned into," but are... So my point?
It all just always seems too well placed. There is some issue that comes to a crescendo and gets us all riled up (so "they" hope)and the news blows it up and the Twitter Whale pops up because everyone is tweeting and Facebook is boring because everyone is talking about this HUGE thing!!!! and then... it's gone. And it quiets down a bit and then the music crescendos again. No sooner does one disaster end that another one begins.
My favorite bumper-sticker EVAR: "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention."
PEACE ;)
In the background my parents TV droned at 7pm... A catchy, thriller-like intro to the special report being broadcast on CNN tonight. An enthusiastic newscaster, I imagine being filmed in front of the White House, begins reporting on how he will be covering the story on the dilemma in Washington and the Clash of the Parties and the debt ceiling crisis!!! Doesn't that sound so...Hollywood? Who the Hell thought that up? Another voice then took over and more matter of factly explained that the special would cover how the Congress and Senate work, while focusing on the debt ceiling issue. And so it begins... as the distraction yammers behind me and continues to trip up my spelling for some reason, I listen to cued music as scenes and cuts are introduced and faded out. I'm hearing those scary words like "Teaparty" "Republicans" and "Liberals." People are being interviewed, and as I briefly left the room to check on my spelling of "factly" I caught the nicely laid out newscast with clear pictures aimed toward pertinent points, fade ins and outs of information and computer graphics.
Suddenly people are asking the public questions like, "Are you well taken care of?" Excuse me? Would someone remind me the last time "they" asked the public that question? In some brief research, it would seem that CNN tries to be pretty even and they aren't a channel that particularly sides with a party; their stories and interviews truly do appear to be about reporting the news, yet it would seem no one can escape Big Brother, even if you're trying to play fair.
What do I mean? Oh? Well... As this Debt Ceiling thing is a very big deal and very real, it's also a little... Staged? Of course, CNN and its producers have had several weeks to gather their information and put together a well informed newscast, but something about their immediacy in reporting makes me wonder. They are reporting on some events that have only just occurred. How could they put all of this together so quickly? Oh, wait! I know!! You don't record everything all at once and can cut and splice different interviews and pieces in later. Well... While, the latter is true, there is still something just a little fishy. (Praise Scooby Doo for putting that word into my vocabulary at the age of 6!)
It's hard for me to admit that I may possibly be over the fence when it comes to being a conspiracy theorist, but in my own defense, I really just think it's being a cautious realist :D Maybe I see things through a darker lens, but so many of the "newscasts" of my adult life have turned into farces. Not even "turned into," but are... So my point?
It all just always seems too well placed. There is some issue that comes to a crescendo and gets us all riled up (so "they" hope)and the news blows it up and the Twitter Whale pops up because everyone is tweeting and Facebook is boring because everyone is talking about this HUGE thing!!!! and then... it's gone. And it quiets down a bit and then the music crescendos again. No sooner does one disaster end that another one begins.
My favorite bumper-sticker EVAR: "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention."
PEACE ;)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
"They Say Music Can Alter Moods And Talk To You"
All these buckets of rain, I've heard enough about. You say that I lied.
I am a gentleman didn't I ask for a place I could stay? What were we both thinking?
The next part just got in the way. You were just always talking about changing.
What if I was the same then, the same I always was?
All these things that you say, like I'll forget about the mind-numbing games that you play.
I am a gentleman, didn't I pay for every laugh every dime, every bit every time and then you feed me some line.
I won't hear one more word about changing.
Guess what I am the same man, same that I've always been.
Days pass and turn into weeks, when we don't even speak. We just lay wide awake and pretend we're asleep.
You go home alone and you're checking your phone and you're looking at me like I'm something you own.
All these buckets of rain, you can't forget about it, you say I never tried.
I am a gentleman, didn't I answer every time that you call, pick you up when you fall
But you never listen at all
You were just always talking about changing.
Guess what I am the same man.
I am a gentleman didn't I ask for a place I could stay? What were we both thinking?
The next part just got in the way. You were just always talking about changing.
What if I was the same then, the same I always was?
All these things that you say, like I'll forget about the mind-numbing games that you play.
I am a gentleman, didn't I pay for every laugh every dime, every bit every time and then you feed me some line.
I won't hear one more word about changing.
Guess what I am the same man, same that I've always been.
Days pass and turn into weeks, when we don't even speak. We just lay wide awake and pretend we're asleep.
You go home alone and you're checking your phone and you're looking at me like I'm something you own.
All these buckets of rain, you can't forget about it, you say I never tried.
I am a gentleman, didn't I answer every time that you call, pick you up when you fall
But you never listen at all
You were just always talking about changing.
Guess what I am the same man.
(The Airborne Toxic Event - "Changing")
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
OMFG!!!
WOW! I wish that was a wow that said "I just had the most amazing sexual experience of my life" but instead... it's a wow where your mouth is left hanging open and you can't form words. I wish I could say I'm gaping because I just saw 15 shootings stars happen all at the same time, but I'm gaping because the past 5 hours have spun me right 'round...
Out of all the talking and crying and feelings of the past week today was a really excellent day. I woke up deciding I needed to just get on with life and I showered and made plans. I saw a dear friend whom I have missed more than I realized and am so very thankful for the positive, nurturing energy I felt from her home and presence. I was hesitant to drive in the rain....
Out of sheer surprise I later happened upon old friends as they were celebrating a little bit of West Virginia Day; drinking, smoking, making pepperoni rolls and watching the infamous Jesco White and Family.
Then some God or some Fate or some wacky ass aligned planet decided to remind me of where I am in my life and turn a great day back into shit. Car accident number 3 in a period of 2 months.... I'm not an idiot. I wasn't under any influence. I wasn't tired. I wasn't on the phone. I stopped at a stop sign, looked both ways and on a dark night and unfamiliar street, I thought I was at a 4 way stop. I looked and didn't see traffic and proceeded through the intersection. Apparently I didn't look close enough. I was struck by another vehicle which I immediately thought had run a sign. I was told later that was incorrect and it was my failure to yield. If things couldn't get any worse, good cops turned into bad cops and I'm awake at 7am, having not slept,waiting on a phone call from my sister because she has connections in the jail system... Obviously I'm not in jail, but we'll just leave it at that. So here I am again, no car, still no money and just...shock. I wish I could disclose some of the other events that have made this evening very, very lucky, but also very fucked up, but I am not comfortable doing so in this space.
Even typing out this story... suddenly it's like my life has turned into a movie. This shit isn't supposed to happen in real life. I have been grieving over my life situation. I believe I have noted that in previous, recent posts. If anything could make me cry, I should have come "home" and burst into tears, but I didn't. I laid on the couch in complete silence for an hour just staring. I then flipped channels for about 10 minutes and finally decided to watch something on netflix so my mind wouldn't wonder. In fact, I really can't believe I didn't flip out. I can't believe I'm writing this and being so rational. I can't fathom telling my parents I wrecked a rental car that I was renting because MY car is in the shop from an accident a month ago... I can't even guess at their response. I've always been the "non trouble maker kid" and here I am tied up in some crazy shit.
*******
I really don't know what else to say except. Family is... amazing. And that is a lack of terminology. My sister has surprised me. I am impressed and proud of her. She is smart and calculating; a problem solver. Why does it sometimes take insane circumstances to pull people together? I love my family. We are... "good people." I wouldn't change one thing. I am proud that I have come from a home of thinking, motivated, caring, gentle, understanding people. My sister can often come off aloof. Her initial demeanor can seem a bit cool and judgmental, but tonight she has proven me wrong. She is as caring as I am - she just doesn't wear her feelings on her sleeve as much ;)
I haven't eaten since 6pm and it's 715am. I'm so hungry. Now... I'm actually starting to get sleepy. I think from 2am until now I've been on a nutso adrenaline rush. The circumstances should lead me to be angry and outraged. They should lead me to be scared and worried, but I'm not. I'm scratching my head on that one. Maybe somehow (oddly enough) I realize it won't help anything. Why can't I always be this calm and rational?
All of these events that have happened as of late... I feel like they are telling me something or leading me to something. What am I supposed to see? I'm certainly not "rock bottom" but in the world I'm accustomed to, I feel like that's pretty much where I am. 31 years old, living with my parents, no job, income or car and 3 wrecks in 2 months... That's not really all that is it? When did my life get complicated? When do I catch a break? Where do I go from here? I feel like I've got all these signs, but I can't read them for a damn. Should I type Help with a period or Help with a question mark?
Friday, June 17, 2011
A Wind Storm
I always have this problem of wanting to say 15 things at once. Where do I begin… I think I have a boyfriend. I mean, he’s not calling it that, but he’s not arguing with the title either and has been very “boyfriendish” in nature as of late. I see this as a small victory. I see little flags (he knows what that visual should be). I’ve heard I shouldn’t “put up with that” for whatever that means and OMG I suddenly take a hit and forget how to type what is that?! So… (I had to hit backspace like 5 times up there) I’m actually pretty proud of myself for holding onto my good mood I had upon leaving and what has transpired over the past several hours. I really hate outside influence. I’m happy. I am content with my situation as it is. I need not justify that to anyone, yet people challenge me to do so. I shouldn’t have to defend my choices. I’m a grown woman. If I choose to be chaotic neutral… so be it :D Grrrr… I’m just frustrated. I have a whirlwind of crazy feelings inside right now. I have a clusterfuck of possibilities. Hahaha…old joke: Me and old friends termed “clusterfuck” a nautical term. It just seems appropriate for something that would happen on a boat in the ocean.
So yah, you see I’m all over the place. I just had to make a conscious decision to start a new paragraph. I bought a book the other day God is Not Great – Christopher Hitchens. See, this is the lovely thing about the internet. I just typed a name of a book and an author and there you are…someone… even only my 4 followers, but there you are reading along and blam! Information! Perhaps I have piqued your curiosity. What is this book and its subject matter? Perhaps you read my previous post and wandered through the interwebz to find the doorway to Machine-Gun Shatner. The internet; a string of ideas and information linking each other… We could start a revolution this way ;) (I just backspaced the phrase “So yah” because I realize I’m a little stoned and keep typing it.) My book is here in bed with me. I’d like to read a little before I snooze, but it is very engrossing as far as making me think, so it might not be the best choice for sleep… we’ll see.
****I just had to text Hal to tell him something about a student I just remembered that he would find amusing to say the least…
This is definitely stream of consciousness – I volunteer to be used as a class example! I’m upside down. Isn’t that a song…”…boy you turn me inside out…?” Yah, it’s like that. Love is a powerful emotion. Well, let’s not even think of it as an emotion. As a human quality, “love” is something we experience. In this case I speak of love as that for another person in the romantic sense. (that’s a shitty sentence but I’m too lazy to fix it. Deal) In the time that Dante wrote The Inferno and later also during Shakespeare’s time, love truly was seen as a sickness. Passion means to suffer (in medieval times) "Romeo and Juliet" speaks to the very nature of how far “love sickness” can push one’s spirit. Dante loved Beatrice to the point that he would retch and lay for days in pain. What is this feeling that is so uncontrollable and unstoppable? It is dangerous. It is wild and painful and exhilarating. It is frightful! I wonder… does this sound so trite and cheesy? I am certainly not retching upon the floor or asking old men for potions that make me look dead even though I’m not. No… but I have to truly examine this whirling dervish of a feeling. It is quite maddening at times. I have no doubt my counterpart feels not the same way, but it is of no consequence. I’m built to love. Although I was attempting to tell my mother she needed to stop being so sensitive and toughen up a little… Nonetheless, she has nurtured me into a being that is also sensitive. This is a trait I have more recently tried to put on the back burner – it has its flaws. Back to the point, it really does just strike me as interesting that for example, everyone of any kind of authority in literature and intellectual circles makes an appearance in The Portable Atheist as for their comment on the matter. Concerning love, the same is true. Anyone of any authority intellectually, psychologically, in comedic circles and so forth has commented upon or attempted to make some understanding of love as humans feel it. I am not an authority. I just know what I feel.
***Sidenote – it’s a really cool thing to see someone right a wrong for your sake. I am not saying that quite the way I want as the above sounds somewhat insignificant, so maybe… Hmm? I notice everything. I came home tonight and noticed that the glass in the windows looked uber shiny. (the windows are usually kinda cloudy) Apparently my dad had a cleaning frenzy and cleaned windows. So… I notice everything. I notice when people change their behavior. I notice when people do things for me and I especially notice when people make improvements upon themselves and better themselves. I noticed I have a lot more courage than I thought. I noticed a lot of things this week. I noticed I’m smiling and happy right now. :D
The time off I have had lately has lent itself to time to think. In some ways that’s been good, and in some ways bad. Mostly good though. I’ve been introspective and just…taking things in. I’ve been pretty anxious about not exactly knowing where my life is headed, but I can’t help think I’m supposed to be doing what I’m doing right now. It all sort of clicks in a weird kind of way. That’s just bizarre.
180 *tires screech* Uh..yah, been doing lots of racing. It’s sort of weird that a video game is kinda like stuck in my head… but it’s a 180 because… I’m just sitting here grinning like a fool. I’m just really happy I have a friend that I can say with true conviction in every sense of the word is my best friend. That’s like a beam of light shining through the shit that is life sometimes I love being bohemian. I really do think my spirit is from a different time… Goodnight world.
So yah, you see I’m all over the place. I just had to make a conscious decision to start a new paragraph. I bought a book the other day God is Not Great – Christopher Hitchens. See, this is the lovely thing about the internet. I just typed a name of a book and an author and there you are…someone… even only my 4 followers, but there you are reading along and blam! Information! Perhaps I have piqued your curiosity. What is this book and its subject matter? Perhaps you read my previous post and wandered through the interwebz to find the doorway to Machine-Gun Shatner. The internet; a string of ideas and information linking each other… We could start a revolution this way ;) (I just backspaced the phrase “So yah” because I realize I’m a little stoned and keep typing it.) My book is here in bed with me. I’d like to read a little before I snooze, but it is very engrossing as far as making me think, so it might not be the best choice for sleep… we’ll see.
****I just had to text Hal to tell him something about a student I just remembered that he would find amusing to say the least…
This is definitely stream of consciousness – I volunteer to be used as a class example! I’m upside down. Isn’t that a song…”…boy you turn me inside out…?” Yah, it’s like that. Love is a powerful emotion. Well, let’s not even think of it as an emotion. As a human quality, “love” is something we experience. In this case I speak of love as that for another person in the romantic sense. (that’s a shitty sentence but I’m too lazy to fix it. Deal) In the time that Dante wrote The Inferno and later also during Shakespeare’s time, love truly was seen as a sickness. Passion means to suffer (in medieval times) "Romeo and Juliet" speaks to the very nature of how far “love sickness” can push one’s spirit. Dante loved Beatrice to the point that he would retch and lay for days in pain. What is this feeling that is so uncontrollable and unstoppable? It is dangerous. It is wild and painful and exhilarating. It is frightful! I wonder… does this sound so trite and cheesy? I am certainly not retching upon the floor or asking old men for potions that make me look dead even though I’m not. No… but I have to truly examine this whirling dervish of a feeling. It is quite maddening at times. I have no doubt my counterpart feels not the same way, but it is of no consequence. I’m built to love. Although I was attempting to tell my mother she needed to stop being so sensitive and toughen up a little… Nonetheless, she has nurtured me into a being that is also sensitive. This is a trait I have more recently tried to put on the back burner – it has its flaws. Back to the point, it really does just strike me as interesting that for example, everyone of any kind of authority in literature and intellectual circles makes an appearance in The Portable Atheist as for their comment on the matter. Concerning love, the same is true. Anyone of any authority intellectually, psychologically, in comedic circles and so forth has commented upon or attempted to make some understanding of love as humans feel it. I am not an authority. I just know what I feel.
***Sidenote – it’s a really cool thing to see someone right a wrong for your sake. I am not saying that quite the way I want as the above sounds somewhat insignificant, so maybe… Hmm? I notice everything. I came home tonight and noticed that the glass in the windows looked uber shiny. (the windows are usually kinda cloudy) Apparently my dad had a cleaning frenzy and cleaned windows. So… I notice everything. I notice when people change their behavior. I notice when people do things for me and I especially notice when people make improvements upon themselves and better themselves. I noticed I have a lot more courage than I thought. I noticed a lot of things this week. I noticed I’m smiling and happy right now. :D
The time off I have had lately has lent itself to time to think. In some ways that’s been good, and in some ways bad. Mostly good though. I’ve been introspective and just…taking things in. I’ve been pretty anxious about not exactly knowing where my life is headed, but I can’t help think I’m supposed to be doing what I’m doing right now. It all sort of clicks in a weird kind of way. That’s just bizarre.
180 *tires screech* Uh..yah, been doing lots of racing. It’s sort of weird that a video game is kinda like stuck in my head… but it’s a 180 because… I’m just sitting here grinning like a fool. I’m just really happy I have a friend that I can say with true conviction in every sense of the word is my best friend. That’s like a beam of light shining through the shit that is life sometimes I love being bohemian. I really do think my spirit is from a different time… Goodnight world.
Monday, June 13, 2011
And my brain spills out...
I follow Chuck Palahniuk on twitter. I also follow Neil Gaiman. Sometimes Neil will answer back if I say stuff to him which is pretty damn cool. I’m not sure I’ve attempted this with Chuck. Anway (yeah, like we’re on a first name basis) the point is, I have a minor obsession with Fight Club. Like really. It’s always in my head; the philosophies presented and many quotes therein swirl around my consciousness. It makes sense to me. I remember one time, either here or maybe in another space I wrote “You have to give up.” A fellow reader responded with, “that must have been such a hard lesson to learn.” Well… yah, it is I guess, but it makes sense. Durden/Palahaniuk (s) philosophy make so much logical sense to me. Of course you have to give up! Is it a hard lesson to learn? Honestly, I guess it is, but there is something kind of rewarding in letting go. I’ve gotten away from “letting go” and maybe I should revisit that.
********
I’m listening to birds chirp. Leftover early morning rain drip from the eves. The leaves on the trees are doing a gentle warm-up as the occasional breeze passes by and the air I breathe is warm and thick as the day is shaping up to be hot and swamp-like. I could never live in Florida. Give me 76 to 85 with sunshine and a breeze – cool at night. That’d be the spot.
So… it’s weird that I wake up with my mind so full. I’m not entirely sure why even. The last time I was home I was feeling very aimless and uncertain. Honestly, that hasn’t improved much. Previously I was able to wrap my brain around some goals and start trying to make things happen. It’s rather frustrating if you think about it. From kindergarten through 12th grade, for 13 years you know exactly what you will be doing. You get up you go to school, maybe you run track or play in the band. You go to practice; you do homework and hang out with friends. Summer comes and goes and you know that in the Fall you’ll go back to school. As a senior you know (as most people now choose) that the next step is deciding where to go to college, so senior year is filled with applications and visits and narrowing down choices. You look forward to graduation and then phase 2 begins: college. For four more years your life is mapped out. You go to a university and do your thing and if you don’t flunk out, you live your life by semesters. Senior year of college approaches and here you are sending out job applications, worrying about gpa and class standing and really ready to be done with school. This is when life would seem to get a little tricky because now it’s been 17 years of knowing exactly what your next move will be (maybe not exactly, but a pretty good idea of where you are and what you’re doing) Finally, you graduate college and unless you got lucky and landed a job before completion or very quickly thereafter, your mapped out life is now a bit aimless. You work a bullshit job at a bar or retail shop. You do whatever to pay the bills. Maybe it’s nice for a while because you have some cash and you can party and have a good time and not worry about studying, but… eventually, something starts to creep along. Maybe you’ve been single for longer than you’d like. Maybe working 2 and 3 jobs at a time is starting to wear you down. Maybe you’re tired of the randomness and need a little structure. Whatever it is Tyler Durden is right when he says, “I’m a 30 year old boy.” Womanly in nature and attitude, I still often feel like a kid playing at a grown up game.
My life is unstructured. I bought a car a year and a half ago that has already been beat to shit. About 4 months ago I felt like I was working my ass off, but unrewarding work that had no future bearing on my life it would seem. I’m unemployed sitting at my parent’s house because there isn’t anywhere else for me to go. There is no point in me being at my “home” with no vehicle and no many. Isn’t this kinda pathetic? My mind bend sometimes and there is no direction in my life. I’ve applied for unemployment and I’ve put in applications, and the theme of my life for the past 2 years has just been WAIT. When will my patience run out? What am I waiting for? I’ve never been a “lucky” person so I’m not exactly banking on some amazing event happening. I met an amazing man and for one month I got to be a part of his life and world… but for what? One could argue that I look too hard for meaning in things, but really, what’s the point of life if you don’t find meaning and lessons in what you experience?
I moved for several reasons. Sitting around last night having dinner and watching the clientele, I moved because I needed to see something different. When I am in WV I notice the difference among people and realize why I enjoy a bigger city. I also moved because I feel like I was searching for something. That thing I am searching for, I’m not even sure what it is or if I have found it. Honestly, since I’m a little uncertain of what that search is about, it’s hard to say if I have found it, but I feel like probably not. I’m still searching. I’m seeking and looking and on the prowl… for something. Meaningful?
I took of Hiatus. And Now...
My brain has been in a weird place for most of the evening it would seem. I have sat and listened to the chatter of elders, sensing that no matter your age, parents can always make you feel like a child; to be seen, not heard. But while I listened to their idle conversations of work place drama and chaos, I just couldn’t help wanting more. I couldn’t help admonishing myself for thinking that thought. I just felt so out of place and that "out of placeness" is because my mind wants to talk about bigger issues than work place lollygagging.
I was writing in my head today in the shower and then I was dictating my writing and now finally… I’m writing because my mind, and my thoughts and my self…. needed to come back to this place. Sorry for the hiatus. I’ve been a little lazy - maybe even a little over-whelmed. I realized today that some of the things I think should be shared. Don’t get me wrong, not like my thoughts are anything special, but some information once obtained cannot be contained.
Up to this point my blog has been diary like in nature…
“Dear Diary,
Today I have decided my blog must take on a new shape. My thoughts are my feelings and my feelings are my thoughts. I think I’ve told you before, sometimes I just wish I didn’t think – or maybe just that feel part; it makes being logical so much harder to do and muddies things up. BUT anyway! A new shape. If what I feel is what I think, then I still must proclaim it here. Yes, I share my personal thoughts and feelings, my successes and my strife, but now, it’s time to put more energy here. There are thoughts which should be disseminated. There are ideas which must be linked and shared. I am obligated now. Somehow it’s like I took an accidental oath I cannot take back. I realize my tone is vague in this new formation I suggest…. So…”
The very thought of it make my breasts rise and fall as my breath increases. It is a peculiar, unnatural feeling the idea of “blood boiling,” but as my eyes are opened, I feel this ache in my stomach. I feel my heart pumping harder. I feel my lips curl up and turn, a classic gesture of disgust… I’m disgusted with what I see around me. I’m a disgusted that people choose NOT to be outraged. I am disgusted to know that the very reason I am often feel “left out” is because I don’t care about Britney Spears getting married or the girl at the office that fucked someone… I love people. I love socializing, but I need to stimulate my brain, and when I can't find that in people I socialize with I often move along. I’m by no means saying I am better than anyone else or above socializing with any entity of people, but I much prefer and enjoy conversations which involve talking about issues that matter. I like to tackle the sticky stuff. I don’t like to really play it safe. Discussing the newest Jersey Shore or score in what the hell ever wack sport is kinda purposeless to me. Yes, these things are entertaining, but I really need to begin shouting: WHY AREN’T PEOPLE PAYING ATTENTION!!!!
As I was dictating this afternoon, I said I would dedicate this sort of change of subject matter to someone, but I’m not sure that attention was really well received. Yes or no, I still make that dedication. Roll with me… an example… Morpheus says to Neo, something like: “You’ve sense it your whole life. You know it, but you don’t know what it is. Something different…” So when it comes to this “eye opening,” I’m like Neo. I’ve sensed it. I’ve always looked around and noticed lots of inconsistencies in the world. I’ve noticed that what I’ve learned, and what I believe and what I’ve been taught doesn’t match up with the way it is. I’ve stated here before I’m especially sensitive to feeling. I’m sponge-like to emotion. So what I’ve always sensed is fakeness in politicians and most people in power. I’ve learned to be cautious and a little untrusting, but at the same time, uncertain of what I felt this way. I’m not as well learned as my follower Wrench6. I read when I have time and try to do more than “sense” the weird wrinkles I feel in the fabric of this world. So as I said previous, I’m obligated now. If you float over to Wrench’s blog you are likely to fall a victim to this oath of obligation unwittingly as I have. That is my dedication ;)
I am not complaining though – It truly is necessary to take up the charge of doing a bit of editorial work. I don’t know that I can actual even begin to educate myself to the extent of Hals’ knowledge. All of the information out there and all of the catching up is almost daunting. I also am not sure I could consume myself with it so regularly because I can’t feel that type of anger regularly. Oh? You feel confused when I say angry? You may wonder what the hell I’m talking about that could make me this angry… Oh… If you would just allow yourself to see; you’ll know anger too and you should! So, I guess this is an introduction. I almost feel like I have to take a deep breath and get ready! Oh boy… stay tuned.
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