15 At Once Happens Often

****WARNING**** This is some very sporadic thinking!!!

I want to shout, exclaim, pronounce, confess!!! Like, 15 things all at the same time! It is so lovely to see people out and about. Girls in flip-flops and cute springy tops and guys wearing hats and sunglasses; the blare of a motorcycle engine in the distance...

I had one of those mornings where I woke up sad. Not depressed, not tired, not wanting to sleep more, but just sad. So I went back to sleep for a bit to try it again. When I woke up the 2nd time it still didn't fix it. In fact the gloom that seemed stuck to me was thicker and weirder and it's that kind of day when I usually wake up super happy and energetic because before I even open my eyes, my body knows the sun is shining and it's warm. Those days make me especially happy. That should have happened today.

People are wearing green. It's so cute. People just look happy today. That makes me FEEL so much better. The negative energy of the past few days has been sticking to me like glue. It's in my subconscious. It's a taste in my mouth. It's been itching me. I am fascinated by the fact that 5 minutes in the sunshine drastically improved my mood. Oh, how science is fascinating! Perhaps because I cannot remember if I took my medicine last night or not, or maybe because I did and I'm still just melancholy, but to think that a chemical, vitamin D from the sun, was absorbed into my skin, which triggered my brain to produce more serotonin, which in turn improved my mood in a matter of five minutes is really fantastic in its design!! To see science work... Amazing.

But maybe it's this cheesy, corny music starbucks is playing. Or maybe it's also my extroverted nature that truly has a need for human interaction. Hal says I get trapped in my head sometimes, but it's by accident. I don't get alone time much. When I do, I enjoy it, but somehow I also slip into a place where I kinda get trapped. I had to convince myself to go be around people today. I'm not sure why I had to convince myself. I guess... I knew it would make me feel better. Funny, how that love hate relationship with solitude exists in my world. Funny how I have a love hate relationship with other human beings too.

My brain is all over the place. I'm desperately hoping that from 4-11 I can keep this mood and not let the extreme displeasure I have with my night job overshadow that which is good...

I began by saying I wanted to say so many things... yes. My melancholy mood may have also been born of dreams of insecurity. Dreams of people whom I have not thought of in some time, but it isn't the person...it's about what they represented. It would seem that when I get lonely, my mind drifts to times in my life when I wasn't. I remember and recall (subconsciously apparently) those times that I felt total security in a relationship. I miss being loved that way.

WHOA! I digress! I just saw someone with a pager! Did I enter a time warp?

Anyway... a time when I remember being genuinely happy in a relationship. Days like today remind me of Ted, but it's what they represent. A perfection in a relationship. A true and carefree happiness. I feel a little hole in my heart today... not really sure why, but maybe simply missing someone can do that to you. I become distracted by hustle and bustle of students... I wonder if the guy next to me can read my face the way I know I could read his if I were watching him type this.... I also forgot I met him at an English Dept event and he has an old english passage tattooed on his inner arm. I forget what it says, but that's kinda nerdy hot, but not so much on him :( I can feel my muscles relax as I recall happiness and my brows furrow as my mind goes back to that "trapped" place.

I don't buy into the fairy-tale relationship thing... I am a realist, but it is an inherent part of my being to love. I have posted so many times about how I feel in this world. I miss giving someone all my love. I miss receiving it. I grow greedy as sometimes spurts aren't enough... I continue to watch life unfold though. I know that I can change my course as I choose...

I think it's time to go back into the sunshine....

The Healing Powers Of Cannabis :b

This is just interesting... I find the stereotype annoying that the only people who want to legalize pot are the people who are "stoners." Even if you're not a pot smoker, there are many logical things about the "legalize" argument that can't be denied. Aside from the fact that you could write an entire scholarly essay on the Cannabis/Alcohol comparison, which I don't really plan to do here, it still stands that many of the statistic and numbers in that argument are highly relevant to the pro-pot argument. Really, my current thought is the following:

I've been reading and learning a lot about different 9/11 "conspiracies" which should really be called other sides to the story. (lame) And what is so intriguing is watching pieces click into place. There are so many more things tied into that event that go along with other problems in our country. Each thing is somehow related to the other. Economic situations, housing crash, pharmaceuticals, aggressive media, "enforced security" and the government... they all touch... So, how does this relate to pro-pot? Well... because it's in that bubble too.

I take an anxiety/depression medication daily. I will mostly likely do so for the rest of my life. I also take advil regularly albeit it for a headache, muscle pain/cramp or menstrual pain. I will occasionally take tums to relieve indigestion or upset stomach. Most people rely on OTC's daily. Doctors and pharmaceutical companies make millions selling many different types of drugs to this country. As a society, we have become more and more dependent on prescriptions and OTC's to alleviate our every ailment. So... here's the funny thing.

Headache - tension, menstrual, or vascular. Cannabis relieves most headaches. (I am a migraine sufferer and it is not always effective there, but most definitely for tension headaches and hormonal)

Stomach Pain - because the muscles in the stomach are what are called "smooth muscles" cannabis seems to have "calming" features on these muscles, allowing them to relax, which then lessens most stomach pain. Because the muscles are tensed during stomach pain, relaxing them and the surrounding tissue, also can allow for gas to pass through the system more easily, which often goes along with indigestion.

Menstrual Pain: Most women experience cramps through their cycle. Like the stomach muscles, the muscles around the uterus and in the lower abdomen are also smooth and respond/relax with medicine which relieves tension. Medicines like advil and even midol have analgesic effects, while midol also contains prostaglandin inhibitors. Still, neither medication seems to have the same effects as cannabis, as it is fast acting and lasting in its effects on menstrual cramps.

Mood Stablizer: For many people I have met and spoken to, cannabis acts as an effect mood stabilizer. There are a plethora of anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, anti-don't go the fuck over the edge pills, and I feel that I am a good candidate for saying that they do work usually. Still though, there is a naturally occuring plant that has the same effects. While pot can and does sometimes make one sleepy, or "comfortable" that is not always the outcome. Usually, the body is already in that state and the inhalation of cannabis has simply intensified those feelings. As far as mood stabilizing, especially for those who suffer anxiety, pot has the ability to just sort of slow you down a bit. It can help focus and concentration. It sort of removes a layer of film if you would and allows a peacefulness and calmness.

So... in a nutshell, while it's an argument made 10x over, the facts cannot be denied. With pot, ONE drug, you get headache relief, stomach relief, menstrual relief and a mood stabilizer. One drug. People are making a lot of money on A LOT of drugs to combat the 4 symptoms I have just outlined. In fact, there are probably many other ailments for which pot relieves symptoms, these are simply ones I have observed and/or experienced myself.

I'm not really a bandwagon person. I still won't go attend a picket line to legalize pot, but as one who recognizes logical argument, the reasons for its prohibition are wrapped up within the many other "conspiracies" within our government. Really, it's just about people staying rich and in control ;)

When Everyone else is Getting Outta Bed I'm usually Getting In It

Ya know... I started writing last night and was apparently to tired to type. I didn't realize it was possible, but it was like I couldn't make my fingers move to the right places on the keyboard and I just gave up. I was in the middle of being very thoughtful and academic too! Maybe I will finish that post this weekend.

So I love this Train song "If It's Love." It's so happy... He has clever lines, I love "...remember Winger? I digress. I confess you are the best thing in my life." Yes! I remember Winger. :) But... it made me think. I am and have been and often write about how my life has taken on transformations and changes in the past 10 years. I am not the same person today as I was when I was 20. I have grown so much as a person. I have learned so much. It's funny that little saying about mind over matter. I truly have to pat myself on the back because in some regard, I have done things I didn't think I could do.

Although it may seem insignificant, for as long as I can remember I have bitten my nails. I "quit" about 2 summers ago, but when they started to break and become jagged I gave up. This past fall I finally made the decision to quit. This is something I never thought I would achieve, but I just got tired of my nails and hands always looking so rough and damaged. I made up my mind to end it and I did. I haven't bitten my nails since at least September. They grow very slow and are not "long" but they are strong and healthy and make my hands look nicer. I file them and trim my cuticles and take better care of them....

So, there is a connection here. I'm partaking in mind over matter. This week, not because I'm worried about bathing suit season or because I care what people think I look like.... I decided I really need to get healthy with my weight and eating habits. The one man who ever sees me disrobe doesn't seem to have complaints, but I need to love me too. I don't dislike my body, but it dawned on me last week when my feet were miserably hurting after work. I realized that if I were lighter then they wouldn't hurt as much. I also realized that I must be carrying around more weight than usual because in previous months/days my feet had not hurt as badly. So, mind over matter. I've completely revamped my eating habits this week as well as exercise regime. I'm going to keep it up and hope that it pays off... we'll see...

I'm not sure what the sudden motivation is... maybe it's knowing warm weather is coming, but I'm also motivated to really just make my life what I want it to be. Now, comes the connection to the Train song. No, not everyone has a boyfriend so sweet as to write such a romantic song, but I'm just over being dissatisfied. I'm seeing some light and starting to get impatient with being a pseudo/half a girlfriend. I really just want someone to love me. I don't want someone to change me or demand my time and force me conform to unrealistic expectations. I want true happiness with a partner. I'm not concerned with romance so much as a true connection. I want someone to look forward to seeing me and talking to me. I want someone to ask me questions and be interested in my life. I want to give all I have and know that it's appreciated.

With the 2 men that I have met here that have shown any remote interest, I have found bad luck. This worries me in some ways because it makes me fearful that all people are this way. Realistically and unfortunately, it is true that most people are self-serving lumps of clay sucking up the oxygen of those of us who give a shit, but... *sigh* I just wish I could meet someone who loved the gifts I have to give. I need congruency. I want to hear that puzzle piece click. I'm not complicated. I'm so straightforward (something I have had to learn to be) and I don't bullshit anyone. I'm not a kid. I'm going to be 31 in less than a month. I want to share my life with someone that wants it. I'm ready for that. I want someone to tell me they are addicted to loving me. I want someone to miss me even if they just saw me 2 hours ago. Really... I just need to be appreciated. That's all I really want.

"Love, love got to have something to keep us together."

Get Gone - Fiona Apple

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I'm not turned-on
So put away that meat you're selling
'cause I do know what's good for me-
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go-
'cause I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead
I'm sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me!!!

Refreshing Response

A good friend had the following question posted on Facebook today: "Have you always been happy/enjoyed living? Or was it a process you went through?"

I responded with "Hell ya." Upon this response I quickly received a message asking me to elaborate on my response. I sort of surprise myself with the positive attitude contained within my reply. It is not a place I have always been so I congratulate myself on a good 5 - 6 years of progress.

hey kate! have you always been happy/enjoyed living? or was it a process you went through?
im so glad you are!

Kate Jordan February 7 at 4:50pm

Oh, for me personally... it's been a process. I remember a good friend of mine a few years back... I was about 23 or so and she was a good bit older. She told me, "There comes a time, when you reach a certain age where you're over the bullshit and you don't care what people think and you just live." Granted, that doesn't happen for everyone, but after I turned about 26 I started seeing the world much differently. I guess really... hahaha. I got over myself. When you're young, you're so concerned about social norms and fitting in that to think of other's or put other's before you would be a chore. (My observation is that most younger people/16+ act a such) When you're young you concern yourself with you.

I was never much for groups that gossiped or such and I always pretty much marched to my own drum, but it wasn't until I'd been through some pretty rough times and eye opening experiences that I really started to appreciate the world and just live in it. So while i've always been happy for the most part, I think it's been a process getting to a place of "ultimate" happiness. It's still a process. Everyday I learn something new that shapes my life. That's the way to live :)

Man, hombre, un homme: Man The Fuck Up!

I need to get this out. Aside from the fact that I was in a car accident, and ran out of gas, the one thing that is irking me is the stupidity of the opposite sex. And really, it's not even the stupidity as I don't want to classify the entire male population, but really GUYS - we can tell the difference between boys and men, at least this woman can.

Observe a scenario: Dressed smartly and looking elegant yet sexy, a girl goes into work to check her schedule for the next day. Upon her arrival her excited friend greets her "You'll never believe this. A guy left his number for you!" The girl is somewhat dumbfounded yet pleasantly surprised. She secretly hopes it is the man she has been interested in as of late who has frequented the establishment, as they have exchanged some flirty/interested-type conversations. Although not her secret hope, she is still flattered to learn that another gentleman had taken notice of her and was courageous enough to take a chance, by attempting to to describe himself to said friend and leave his number. The girl sticks the slip of paper, "Chris - security guard/cheese fries" in her pocket, converses with her friends and goes home. She walks down the street considering her choices in the matter. She contemplates calling a friend for advice. She scrolls through her list of friends, imagining what each one would say. She puts the notion out of her head until she arrives home. Later in the evening she pulls the slip of paper from her coat pocket. She re-reads the short note and desperately tries to recall a face that goes with the name. So many people in such short amounts of time almost every day she goes to work... The name remains a name as no descriptors come to mind.

With a sense of urgency, she grabs her phone and quickly dials the number. It's as if she wants to punch it in before she loses her nerve. She is surprised when a reply text message comes through. There is short banter on memories and recollections. It brings a smile to her face to have taken the chance. Continuing down the path of spontaneity, the girl sees an opportunity, albeit assertive perhaps, to see the male and recall his face. Since she was getting ready to leave for the evening to take a class, she suggested they meet at her place of work for a drink. The male quickly sidesteps the suggestion, stating he would prefer to stay home for the evening. Talk continues and for a 2nd time in this short exchange the male makes a statement noting the females' lack of memory to his person.

THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD HERE THE RECORD SCREECH!!!

With embarrassment and slight annoyance, she again the nature of her job and attempts at an apology for not remembering his face. By giving the following response the male on the other end of the line has lost any chance of continued interest:

"If you're not into me or interested just tell me now."

Um... Ok. This is where the scenario ends. What the fuck is that?!! What is that part of the story?! It wasn't supposed to go like that. What is this obvious lack of self-esteem and bullshit stroke my ego? Men who do this to women on a first date, first meeting, first talking whatever...! They don't deserve a chance. Maybe that's harsh to some but that statement says so much to me. It tells me without even seeing a face, that I have no interest in that person. Although, not word for word, the above scenario is fact to fact. I cannot argue that the language implies interest as all the language is not present, but even with what is described, there is no reason for the male to respond with that statement. It is egotistical and even condescending. It implies insecurity and immaturity. I am not interested in boys. I'm not even interested in guys. I'm interested in MEN. I would love to have children some day. I will gladly and proudly raise them, but really... I'm over taking care of boys. Be a man. Rise to the challenge. Oh, and when I say "rise" goddamn I mean it ;) I don't have a lot of expectations. I try not to really. I try to just accept people for who and what they are, but I'm gonna break the rules here.

My expectation in a mate, a partner, my best friend: Be a man. Take care of you and your responsibilities. Be secure in yourself mentally, physically and emotionally. Stand tall. Stand for what you believe in. Treat me with respect. While respect can be earned, general, overall politeness separates men from douche-bags ;) Be straight. Don't play games. Allow me to support you, cheer you on and be your number one fan, but also, have enough self-confidence that you don't need me to be your number one fan. Attempt to balance pride and humbleness. (that's more of a preference thing) and I guess in a sense I could go on for days explaining what I think constitutes being a "man," but really it's about my annoyance with the lack of self-aware, self-confident, intelligent men. I'm so tired of talking to boys. I know a few men. I'm attracted to them because they are so. I'm kind of all about skip the bullshit and lets get down to it. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean "lets hop in the sack," but all the niceties, the courting, the "dating" phase. It's always the same. So... yah, skip the bullshit. Be a man. Put yourself out there. Take a chance. I'll be impressed if you can prove you have balls ;)

(And since I know no one that really matters in the big scheme of things is reading this, it's still suffice to say, it's how I feel and it's what annoys me about being single, yet at the same time almost makes me grateful I am.)

Can You Play Dumb So You Won't Be Smart?

That thing... that I talked about before, my curse and gift. Funny; sort of changes significance when you switch the word order. Really though, it's because sometimes I wish it away. It would seem that most archetypes of the "gifted" person often deny or shun their ability. I feel like that sounds wacky, like I have sonar hearing or can see the future, but like a superpower, or whatever original ability a person has, it seems at some point those people always love/hate their "power." I guess for me; I'm just tuned in . *shrug*

I'm built to feel. Do you how hard it is to walk through this world and be made this way? I don't mean for that to sound mellow-dramatic. It's just fucking annoying! It's not even because I care! I just feel what others feel. And I see their secrets.... sometimes. And I can't help it. I don't mean to. You would think by now I'd learn to never open my mouth when I can "see," but I do and then people don't understand. No one wants anyone else to see their inner thoughts. Suddenly, when someone tells us we are something other than our projected self, we (the universal we) panic! It's fight or flight. **I suddenly had the feeling that the sentence I just typed echooooeeeeddddd....

I truly suppose my blog here is named appropriately as people may very well conclude I am quite mad since I claim to be especially clairvoyant. Oh, but then I suppose it's really not any of my concern or inclination to give a damn what YOU think ;) (Sorry reader, the truth hurts).

I feel like randomly listing some things you should know about me, aside from my late night, often emotionally fueled ramblings here...

1. I'm a people-pleaser

2. While some derive pleasure from such things as shopping or watching sports, I derive pleasure from seeing the people I care for happy and content.

3. I enjoy giving. Not because I expect something in return, but it goes back to that pleasure in seeing other's happy thing.

4. Don't get me wrong. This isn't ALL people - maybe surface level happy, but I suppose I'm especially generous with my inner posse.

5. #2 and #3 are also strong reasons for why I'm a very sexual person and enjoy sex as an act. ;)

6. People often peg me for a push over

7. I pay attention to everything and have a pretty photographic memory.

8. I hate competition.

9. I hate when things are unresolved - "When somethin's broke I wanna put a bit of fixin' on it."

10. I don't give up when I believe in something

11. I think communication is one of the most important gifts humans have

12. I have spent more time with myself than most I think. I know why I do the things I do.

13. I can be inquiring to the point of annoyance, but only because learning leads to better understanding.

14. I AM NOT UNDER THE INFLUENCE WHILE TYPING THIS (although other posts vary)

15. I believe in keeping promises.

16. I believe loving someone means so much more than what the general populace does/believes

17. Romantic or not, I have fallen in love and out of love. That doesn't mean I stop trying when it breaks my heart.

...I pondered the other evening, "I am a night owl. Why is this?" I feel most comfortable in my day from 2pm-early morning. Even if I get up at 7am and have a full day... still I crawl into bed around 2am and find it rather peculiar to go to bed before 1030. I wonder... am I just wired to be more nocturnal? It is often frustrating that I am, as the night time is when emotions are more volatile. I feel as if I know myself well. As noted, I've spent a lot of time with me in the past 10 years. It really has been 10 years. Reshaping. Learning, growing, hammering away and chiseling to make a better me... truly. I feel like I know me so well, but maybe to an outsider I don't know me at all. What does it mean that I may even wonder what another thinks of me in such a way? It is the curse of Pisces to swim, swim, swim. Around in circles we go, indecisive always. Never sure of a decision because there are so many variations to consider.