Walking In Space

"Doors locked, blinds pulled, lights low, flames high..."

It's hard to know where to begin, yes, like walking in space, out of orbit trying to touch down. So many things have been going on in my world. There are so many things I want to say and spill and write and scream and discuss and like the shaken snow globe, if I could just catch one flake...

I have come up with two story ideas in the past week. They say you write what you know and well... I know me and I know what I've lived, so I'm still trying to work it out in my head. It's not a biography... although I've had that sort of idea in the past, but rather, taking some truth and mixing it with untruths and taking some characters I know and mixing them with make believe... and I have some ideas... I reverted to the paper journal yesterday. That was sort of a nice step backwards. It was cathartic in a different kind of way to feel the pen in my hand and the rough paper at my finger tips. I watched the pages fill up and re-read them. I re-read them and re-read them. Part of my musings were written down in a chorlted (yes, a Lewis Carrol word) jostled manner as I was writing down phrases from a phone conversation. They were phrases I needed to remember and see in front of me. It's one of the ways I stay strong. Then the other part of my ramblings were written like a journal you may find at the desk of a psychologist. Calculated. Analytical. Academic and professional. (That's where I saw a story idea come to light).

This is my release. My other release, dancing....

REMIX

The above was written on Sunday evening. I don't remember why I got interrupted, but I'm in a different state of mind today so... forward march!!!

There is still so much to write. It's a rainy day today and rain means sleep and I sleep so well. There are many things I ought to be doing, but it was just so nice to roll over and say "nah." Yes, I know, so slothful of me... So it's almost 4pm and I'm in pajamas eating cereal. I have this thing about no matter what time it is when I wake up, I have to eat breakfast food. :)

So as I was laying there, between 10am and now, sometimes asleep and sometimes awake listening to the drone of house noises... I was thinking about changes. Exactly a year to date almost my world was turned upside down. At this time last summer I had pushed myself through the hard part of a breakup. Ted and I split at the end of May and by mid July I was finally feeling better about things and being more comfortable with moving on. I was going to the pool and flirting and being flirted with. I was being noticed and making new friends and the summer ended up being grand fun. I was staying up until 4am and still going to work at 9am! Then I would do it again the next day. I was gaining strength and forming new friendships. I was letting go of my cautious nature and living. I was reviewing the past and telling myself the future would be different and each day was proving interesting and fun and something which to always look forward. I wasn't falling in love, but I was loving that I'd found a person so much like myself. I was loving that I was really starting to be able to see my true friends versus "people ya know."

The summer turned into fall and still friendships grew stronger and I got stronger. I developed so much independence. I think I've always been a strong person, but I was able to tap into a place that wasn't always there before. Hal helped me find that person in a lot of ways. I gained a lot of confidence in myself. I'm different for it and so grateful.

Today, some of those things are still the same. I always relate myself to my astrological sign, only because it is so very, very true. I am a Pisces in all its positives and negatives. I am intuitive and self-sacrificing, yet sometimes a little needy and wishy-washy. I am tapped into emotions in a different kind of way, yet recognize that sometimes I make myself a martyr (not always a good trait). So many things about my sign that match up perfectly. So... today. I'm strong. I look around at the people I know, especially females, and I am so glad to know other women who have amazing perseverance and strength. Teresa has been gone for 4 months or so. She left her support network and all she knew to take a chance. Her situation isn't what she may like it to be, but I admire her everyday for sticking with it and pushing and living and being SO true to herself. Kathleen is amazing. With so much on her plate and so many people in her life who demand things of her and she still manages to be so incredibly kind and supportive of all those around her. I think it's why the three of us stick together. We have will. We are courageous and intelligent. I am so blessed to know them.

So back to being a Pisces for a minute.... Pisces invite change. It is very natural in the life of a Pisces to undergo many drastic, 180-type life experiences. While this is true, some of the changes occurring in my life right now, I'm not sure I really want them or like them. I CANNOT wait to move! I am so excited I can hardly stand it and I'm holding on to that in the face of adversity. I am looking at that calendar and counting down the days and in less than a month, so, so many things will be new and fresh and different. Oh, yes! I invite those changes. (if I could just get a damn job it'd be perfect). Other changes though, like the possibility of losing friends... those changes I don't invite so readily. I was consoling a friend the other evening as he discussed someone who recently died. It dawned on me that while I have never lost anyone close to me to the hands of Death, I have lost people and that pain I have felt in losing some of them, has felt much like death. I have chosen to separate myself from some people, but others, when they have walked out of my life, it's like a hole has been blown into my world. I recognize, for instance with Ted, that I went through all 5 stages of the grieving process. I know I have done this with other people who have separated from me when it was not my wish that they did.

I do not let many people into my world. My previous cautious nature was developed at an early age as a defense mechanism. No 12 year old should ever feel the pain of rape. No 22 year old should have to suffer it again. I do not discuss my past pain in comparison to the pain of any other. We all fight battles and the pain or hurt we have felt from those battles is something which we may mourn with each other, but no one's is lesser or greater. So I developed a "loner" way of life and I'm still that way although most of my friends coin me super extroverted. While this is true, at the end of the day I really march to my own drum. If I let you in, then you must have done something kind of special and those that are "in" I can count on my hand. It has always been a very painful experience to me to lose people who get to be that close. Again, it is like death. To quote from a conversation the other evening "There are a lack of quality people in this world." I agreed with the statement. I look for those people constantly. My super intuition which I need to write about soon, but that will have to wait for another post, knows when people matter. While I may be hurt by some people, I don't usually let anyone in, without knowing they possess the ability to be a quality person. I have experienced quality people in this past year. I know that in the hearts of all those who have touched my life, they are truly good people. Unfortunately, the pull and the ache of walking through this world can overshadow those traits.

I am not naive. I was recently told it is rather frustrating that I seem impossible to bullshit. I just sort of always know... I am not capable of fixing anyone. I learned this long ago. What I do try to do though is bring out the positive in those around me and situations I encounter. My world is quickly changing. A tarot card reading long ago told me... "Wait." I've been waiting. I've been so very patient. I cannot say what will happen next, but I feel things. It hurts so very much to think that as my world changes, the people in it may also go. Right now, I'm afraid of my intuition in some ways. I exist in this plane as a feeling person. I live by feeling. As people go, new one people may come, but it is perhaps an annoying trait to attempt to salvage those things which I hold dear. Teresa says the Sunscreen Song is cheesy (smile) but I love its advice: "When you are old, you'll need the people who knew you when you were young." Is that why I try to hang on?

I'm alive. Living, breathing, fighting, bleeding, crying, laughing, dancing, sweating and sometimes dying... but I'm alive, walking in space... *smile*

I Love The Way You Lie

Thanks Marshall Mathers - your lines, your passion and your lyrical genius always move me. You floor me because what you say is real. I've been a fan from day one.

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight all I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight

High off of love, drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffin' paint and I love her
The more I suffer, I suffocate
Right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates
Me, she fuckin' hates me and I love it, Wait!
Where you going? I'm leaving you.
No you ain't. Come back. We're running right back

Here we go again, it's so insane
'Cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind in his back
She's Lois Lane, but when it's bad, it's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snapped, "Who's that dude?"
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much,
you could barely breathe when you with 'em?
You meet, and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah, them chills, used to get 'em
Now you gettin' fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit 'em
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when you're with 'em

It's the fate that took over, it controls you both
So they say, you're best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know you 'cause today,
That was yesterday, yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over
But you promised her, next time you'd show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it "window pane"

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded

Baby, please come back, it wasn't you, Baby, it was me.
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time
I apologize, even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back. I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fuckin' leave again,
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

So you guys are probably getting tired of me posting random song lyrics, but I guess that's why people write poetry and music. Sometimes, a song says it better than any other words... Tonight at rehearsal we ran through all of Act I for the musical Hair. It sounded really great for still being new. There's a lot that has been going on in my world that I haven't been able to catch up with on here and I miss this space. Writing is what keeps me sane, but life has been so busy the past several weeks.

Anyway, some of the soloist sang tonight at rehearsal and the lyrics to this song struck me. It's well put. It's something I get frustrated with as far as the way of the world and something I've noticed about myself and others. However you want to say it, courage, balls, spine, strength... whichever you prefer, I've realized that in order to face feelings and emotions it takes being fearless. Emotions which are positive are certainly a joy to embrace, but when dealing with things like confusion, hurt, pain, loss, let down... negative emotions can rock your world. For those who are able to embrace those emotions with the same attitude and nature as they deal with positive emotions shows an individual who has strength of heart and mind. There is a fearlessness to those who face all the music... which recalls a nice line from a poem:

"If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster/and treat those two impostors just the same..."

(If - by Rudyard Kipling - one of my favorite poems)

Negative emotions do not deserve any more or less attention than positive ones. To have the courage to embrace both is strength of character. And now, for the song, like I said, it says it all rather nicely.

Easy To Be Hard

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who care about evil
And social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people be so heartless
You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to give in
Easy to help out

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice
Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

Para Todos

"...But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

K8

Quote taken from "V for Vendetta" (2005)

I AM ME

I said earlier this evening, or to those of you who count 1am as the next day, I said yesterday, "What's life if you don't take chances?" and that comment resulted in a permanent piece of artwork on my back. Now, granted it's a gorgeous tattoo, and I'm very happy with the results. It's funny because I think I'm still kind of in shock. I have to say I think for a 1st time it was a pretty ballsy tattoo to get.

Anyway, bare with me because this is about to get very, very stream of consciousness. Oh, how I love this form of writing. 1, 2, 3 GO!!

I turned 30 in March. So for 2 and a half months I have settled into an age which is very much "adulthood." I didn't make a big deal out of it like some people do, in fact, I welcomed the age. Since then, and maybe within the past year even, I've sort of stepped outside of myself now again. I've looked at me and gone "You're different Kate." I've noticed changes in my behavior, habits and general sense of self. I don't see that any of these changes are negative or bad, but rather interesting. Let me elaborate and take us back in time a bit...

1998 I graduate from high school. Between 1995-98 my friends and acquaintances were doing the things all teenagers do. People were trying out different identities, people were drinking in their parents basement and sneaking buying smokes and beer. Everyone was dating, making out, and having sex. People were smoking pot and selling drugs, getting tattoos and piercings and participating in the overall shenanigans of being a teenager. I graduate at 18 years old from high school. I had never had a drop of alcohol, nor had I ever smoked a cigarette or tried any drugs. I had a boyfriend during my 10th and 11th grade year. We "did it," but it wasn't a huge deal to me.

I went to the infamous WVU and still managed to stay sober and drug free. My 21st birthday was a great birthday, but it came and went with no rights of passage. It wasn't until all was said and done that I got wasted in my uncle's kitchen floor with my then boyfriend and had the time of my life (even though Tai noodles on the way back up sucked balls). I was 23 years old. It wasn't until maybe 2 years after that that I ever tried a cigarette, but I take that back because I did smoke cloves now and again at WVU with my friend Rich. We'd take walks on Sunny Side and smoke. I wonder what happened to him... To continue the time line, it wasn't until a year and a half ago that I ever tried any drugs (pot only). And despite having had my tongue pierced at one point in time and various other odd piercings (no vag or tits guys ;) ) I had certainly never considered a tattoo.

So today, I sit at 30 years old having experienced in the past 7 years many things that most people have done multiple times since having turned 30. Sex was of no consequence... sure it was meaningful, but I remove it from the equation because having experienced the ugliness of sex at too young an age... it never seemed like a "big deal." I don't know if that makes sense, but it is what it is... So again, I feel like I've watched myself find myself. When everyone else was partying and being crazy, I was reading books and studying and watching. I was always watching. I was learning and alongside that learning I was digging deep within myself to heal my soul. I was remembering things I didn't want to remember. I was saying goodbye to demons and shaking hands with suicide when everyone was getting crazy on frat row. My troubles were bigger then... bigger than what most 19 year olds should know. So in between all that, I really, really found me. I didn't find me the way everyone has to go crazy and do dumb shit and then live. No, listening to my inner voice and finding the strength the carry on is what lead me to my true self. Now, I'm tapping into that true self even more....

I imagine my mother will think my tattoo is out of character, as was my recent dabble in risqué photography. In some ways, I'm sure most of the people who think they know me will go "wow, she's different now." But the truth is, I'm not. I've always been a little dark. I've always been a little goth. I've always been off kilter, but in that fun eccentric kind of way. My interests are in the medieval, macabre, strange, dark, twisted... I've never done anything for attention.

I AM ME.

This person that seems to be more prevalent at 30 years old, has always been here. What it would seem is that now, I'm finally to a point in my life where I am absolutely comfortable with myself. I'm not putting on airs. I'm not trying to impress my friends. I'm not trying to fit in. I've lived with me for a while now. I'm happy that I feel like I can just let me hair down and let it all hang out; the good the bad and peculiar. I do not feel the slightest bit insecure in my since of self. People can choose to like me or dislike me. I am kind, considerate and do my best to do right by people, even strangers, but if anyone choses at any point to judge me or dislike me, for whatever reason, it's really not my problem. Take it or leave it. Take me as I am.

I am exotic. I am funny, I'm a little OCD. I'm nocturnal. I am tattooed with a serpent interwoven through and around a beautiful ankh. I am spiritual and mystical. I am sexual. I am superstitious. I am sensitive. I am too kind sometimes. I am damaged. I am scarred. I am independent. I am smart. I am a worrier. I am logical and emotional. I can be rough. I can be raw. I am vulgar at times. I am ultra feminine, yet a tomboy. I am not black, white, mixed, asian or belong in any category really. I know exactly who and what I am. I am excited to know that I can evolve and nothing is ever static.

So where has all this brought me and you and us....? I'm moving in a month. My life is changing in so many ways. My life has already changed in so many ways. I'm living.

I'm doing a musical theater show... there is a song that brings tears to my eyes every time they sing it at rehearsal.... "The Colors of my Life." And while the lyrics express the differences between those who choose to live boldly and those who prefer modesty, I'm happy that I've found an even keel. I can live with the boldness of "cherry red" and the subtle "dappled green of trees."

Conclusions: I'm happy to be me. I wouldn't change a thing. Love me, know me, or just read the words I poor out of my mind. Maybe it has taken me a minute to catch up with what everyone did at 18, but I'm so, so glad I took my time. I love the sound of my drum. I march to its beat and that beat alone.

"Open up my head and let me out"

Some interesting music is floating around in my head. It's funny, because the 2 songs that keep playing back and forth show 2 polar opposites in way of emotion. I'm sort of in a a weird place like that though; just riding the seesaw, back and forth and up and down. Take a peek!

Everytime it rains I listen to the sky
And wonder what's so great about sunshine
Everybody lives and everybody dies
And no one's gonna love you like I do

When it was getting dark
I didn't need a match
I never needed light to see you
You thought I disappeared
But I was always here
I could never get that far from you

Though I misunderstand
And been misunderstood
So love me 'cause you can
And not because you should

Everytime it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Everytime it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

Take it as it comes
And take me as I am
I never was a good imposter
But I know how to dream
And don't know where I stand
I'm willing to admit I try too hard
Stop playing with my heart
I'm waiting by the phone
Afraid to be myself
Afraid to be alone

Everytime it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Everytime it rains
I know I'm trying to survive
And everytime it rains
I'm gonna hide myself inside

I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive

Everytime it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Everytime it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

(Every Time it Rains - CharMar)

STEEL (CharMar)

The lost and insincere
They think I need to hear what's in their empty eyes, eyes, eyes
We're few and far between
We've hardly been serene
But stand up to their lies, lies, lies

We are steel
We don't feel anything at all

He took me in arms
But then he squeezed too hard
He wouldn't let me breathe, breathe, breathe
It's been too many years
I've hurt too many times
To give up everything, thing, thing

I am steel
I don't feel anything at all

The way I've been confused
The way that I've been used
And spit out on your dime
And still you lead me on
And still you tear me down
And say it's in my mind

Well I've seen hell and back
I've hidden in the dark
With no one there at all, all, all
I've scraped us back to life
I've laced up both my boots
So try and twist the knife, knife, knife

I am steel
I don't feel anything at all
We are steel
We don't feel anything at all
We don't feel anything at all
Anything at all
Anything at all
Anything at ahhhhhhh

I'd write more tonight, but long nails on flat keyboard is proving a bit frustrating. Sometimes music is the better expression. Yes, I am steel... On my way to the steel capital of the nation and I can't wait to leave.

Noises

I'm listening to the noises of my house.

The window air conditioner whirls and hums.

(I must clarify that it is a window air conditioner

because central units do not offer the same

white noise)

I'm chewing gum and listening to my teeth

clack together, a habit the dentist would

surely hate. And the squish, squish as

saliva mixes with the chewy substance

in my mouth.

I hear my breathe deep and steady, as my

nasal passages have cleared for the first time

today.

I hear my esophagus clinch as I swallow; more

than necessary due to chewing.

Click, pop. A habit that often warrants a "look"

from my father. Click pop.

My noises are metal dishes clanking together

as I scoop out cat food; the half empty paper

bag collapses on itself as I scoop deeper.

My noises are my rubber soles on kitchen

tile and a high pressure facet filling a glass.

The crack a pill bottle makes as you twist

the lid.

Metal on metal as a folding chair is readjusted.

Quiet clicking keyboard. My heart... my heart...

Thumps.

Buzz. It's time to run.