A little rough. A little rowdy. A little dirty with heart and soul....

Tonight, I asked myself, "Where is my niche?" For the past several months I have been among all types of people. Professional opera singers, gay bikers, ballerinas, gymnasts, newlyweds, teen mothers, phd students, professors, writers, dancers... With the new things I have tried and the many opportunities I've had to meet all sorts, I've still found myself standing on the outside. I'm looking through that window on the other side of the glass and all these new encounters are already settled. That's too say, groups have already been formed. Alliances have been made. I find myself listening to their chatter. They discuss plans for the coming weekend. How So and So's attitude sucked at rehearsal. Bridesmaids dresses and "Oh my God! Did you hear about (insert noun)" They've sat at those tables before, and sure I can pull the door open and sit down among them, no longer looking in and yet, as I attempt to be interested in their lives, their dreams, their idle chatter.... as hard as I try to make that human connection. I'm really rather disinterested. I find myself daydreaming. My eyes observe and absorb. "Where is my niche?"

Is this question an offshoot of homesickness or loneliness? I am probably overly extroverted at times. I have no insecurities about being thrown into new situations. Yes, as of late I cannot find people with whom I feel I truly connect. Conversations should be more effort than discussing careers and where you went to school and "Oh, do you know 'that guy?" The human connection should be deeper. It's when you forge that bond with another that maybe you know life is worth living. Maybe that is morbid, but I find the part of my niche that I need is to wander among the macabre. My interests in life, so therefore in people, as we share this life, is in questions. Not the common "polite questions," but thinking questions. Challenging questions. Discussions which yield excitement and enthusiasm. I love to be around those who think, but people who think in a way that they are willing to push the envelope. People that do as they please. Do not confuse "do as they please" with blatant rudeness, but rather truly living life. What is 90 some years on this earth if you play it safe. Risks are worth taking. People who can step outside the box... Living a little on the edge, having the willingness to even question things beyond bullshit party introductions, those are the people I want to be with.

My friends, the people I know who are 100% behind me.... not all of them are risk takers. Some of them do play it safe, but what makes them worth knowing, the reason I know I'm connected to them, is because they are able to think. They are able to think beyond introductions, and while they may not appear "rough" or "rowdy" I know without a doubt, that they have the ability to think about being "bad." This makes them worth knowing.

On the flipside of that, those people are not near me. In the past several months I have not been near them. And while they can think it, there is a different kind of connection when I meet people that have the same attitude I do about life and living it and being fully immersed in it. The doers, not just the thinkers. When you connect with people who know what you're thinking and why you're thinking it. The other risk takers... When absolute honesty exists among friends, when there isn't really a "private" life - You're in.

Rough around the edges, maybe a little rude, maybe a little moody. Challenging, thinking, male or female. Wherever you are...You're my niche.

Poetry

So after I posted last night I got all inspired and wrote a poem. It's odd that I was saying I never write out my story ideas, yet I just sat down and busted out this little verse. I wasn't going to post it here initially, but I changed my mind.

I usually have a difficult time choosing titles. My reasoning is because I'm usually trying to think of something original. For this though, the title came quite simply and it couldn't be anything but what it is. Enjoy.

Best Friends

If you were here right now you’d tell me I’m sexy,

but you’d never say it because that’s a compliment.

I know you’d be thinking it though.

The low light that backlights my image...

Tresses of hair falling around my face

and the rise and fall of my breasts, teasing

cleavage in a low cut shirt. I know you’d notice.

You’d be sitting across from me. You wouldn’t put

Your elbows on the table, but relax your back in

your chair and look out across the street, facing forward.

You wouldn’t face me.

We’d be laughing. Probably too loud. There would

Be a side conversation that would distract us from

any “deep” thoughts, as we had to stop and discuss

the excellence of Jolly Rancher’s candy. It would

make perfect sense to just you and I.

I’ve lost my watch in a space time continuum. Only

you would understand and appreciate the humor in

that. It’s under my bed. The watch is gone. Swear.

You know I hate that it’s bad timing. You know I

hate that saying that makes sense.

Now is where you’d sit up and say it was

time to leave the porch. I can hear you say

“C’mon” and smile.

'Bout Damn Time for An Update!

Mmmm Jolly Ranchers. I love having something to suck on. ;)

Groan all you want. Anyway, it's amazing how perfectly content I feel. For the first time ever in my life I live away from everything I have ever known. Two weeks ago I was afraid I would feel like I wasn't living in my house, like I'd be tiptoeing around people and their already set agendas. I was afraid I'd have too much time on my hands. Fear is the mind killer. Today, or this evening rather, I'm sitting on my porch, a little buzzed, listening to the night noises and feeling more at home than I ever thought I would. So quickly I have become comfortable in my new space. I feel such positive energy. If it wasn't for my roomie not really diggin' on runnin' the AC a lot, I would be sleeping better, but that's the only reason why I'm not. I have a fan now, it should improve.

I'm gonna break my damn teeth if I keep trying to bite into these.... Well there is an interesting cast of characters here and my 2nd evening we all had a pretty good time together. I can forsee some evenings that will be memorable. Riding around on the Harley the other day was awesome. I must say there is something very sexy about being pressed up against a man that way. You have no choice but to hold on. Sexy. Aside from that, it was still great! My first thought was "I want one!" We had a great ride; it was the perfect day for it and I saw a lot of cool stuff. Yesterday, driving got a little frustrating on the way home, but I made it. Today, it was easy.

I'm absolutely loving that I have a porch! It's pretty kick ass to sit out here like this. It's a nice way to wind down. Wonderful evening. I wish I had a glass of wine, but there are other remedies for that ;)

I'm suddenly writing like this really is a journal, which it is, but at the same time...Hmmm I don't always discuss my insecurities... anyway... I'm a little nervous about the weekend. I dunno what Murph will be doing, but Joe is gone all day and I just want to stay busy. The alone time is ok to an extent, but I guess I don't want to get lonely. I do miss my friends. So many of those amazing people that I recall here so frequenly. Oh, I will miss the convenient contact. I already had before I even left in some cases.

Random thought: Joe loaned me a hella cool book. I just started it the other night. "The electric kool-aid acid test" Note to self: Do not attempt to read book about tripping acid, written in the manner of tripping acid, while stoned. That was nuts! I'm gonna have to start over and see if it makes anymore sense, but I really want to read it. He also loaned me "The Road," which although bleak, I really look forward to reading.

I'm completely ignoring the fact that (OMG! School starts Monday!!) I have what feels like a lot to do, but I know once I get started it won't take so long. I'm looking forward to it, but also really nervous. Things are different here... I like getting used to a new school though. I've already seen some vast improvement in things I was unhappy about previously.

Random thought: I had a pretty cool story idea while I was trying to go to sleep last night. I always write "I had an idea" and then never actually put them in this space, but not to worry. They stay in a special file cabinet in my mind. I make myself remember. It's an excuse to say I don't have time, but I just never seem to get around to sitting down at the computer with the intention of writing one out. I need a muse. Maybe I should do that this weekend if there is free time. Write and find a muse? ;)

Hit by nostalgia, I should probably wrap this up. I have sat the past 3 days thinking, for the first time in a while I have no worries. It was worth the wait. I'm am happy to know my patience paid off.

To hit ya with a laugh: there is a house diagonally across from ours. There is a woman I have heard cackling. Yes, cackling, not laughing, for the past 15 minutes. She sounds like a damn hyenna. Seriously! LOL!!