I said earlier this evening, or to those of you who count 1am as the next day, I said yesterday, "What's life if you don't take chances?" and that comment resulted in a permanent piece of artwork on my back. Now, granted it's a gorgeous tattoo, and I'm very happy with the results. It's funny because I think I'm still kind of in shock. I have to say I think for a 1st time it was a pretty ballsy tattoo to get.
Anyway, bare with me because this is about to get very, very stream of consciousness. Oh, how I love this form of writing. 1, 2, 3 GO!!
I turned 30 in March. So for 2 and a half months I have settled into an age which is very much "adulthood." I didn't make a big deal out of it like some people do, in fact, I welcomed the age. Since then, and maybe within the past year even, I've sort of stepped outside of myself now again. I've looked at me and gone "You're different Kate." I've noticed changes in my behavior, habits and general sense of self. I don't see that any of these changes are negative or bad, but rather interesting. Let me elaborate and take us back in time a bit...
1998 I graduate from high school. Between 1995-98 my friends and acquaintances were doing the things all teenagers do. People were trying out different identities, people were drinking in their parents basement and sneaking buying smokes and beer. Everyone was dating, making out, and having sex. People were smoking pot and selling drugs, getting tattoos and piercings and participating in the overall shenanigans of being a teenager. I graduate at 18 years old from high school. I had never had a drop of alcohol, nor had I ever smoked a cigarette or tried any drugs. I had a boyfriend during my 10th and 11th grade year. We "did it," but it wasn't a huge deal to me.
I went to the infamous WVU and still managed to stay sober and drug free. My 21st birthday was a great birthday, but it came and went with no rights of passage. It wasn't until all was said and done that I got wasted in my uncle's kitchen floor with my then boyfriend and had the time of my life (even though Tai noodles on the way back up sucked balls). I was 23 years old. It wasn't until maybe 2 years after that that I ever tried a cigarette, but I take that back because I did smoke cloves now and again at WVU with my friend Rich. We'd take walks on Sunny Side and smoke. I wonder what happened to him... To continue the time line, it wasn't until a year and a half ago that I ever tried any drugs (pot only). And despite having had my tongue pierced at one point in time and various other odd piercings (no vag or tits guys ;) ) I had certainly never considered a tattoo.
So today, I sit at 30 years old having experienced in the past 7 years many things that most people have done multiple times since having turned 30. Sex was of no consequence... sure it was meaningful, but I remove it from the equation because having experienced the ugliness of sex at too young an age... it never seemed like a "big deal." I don't know if that makes sense, but it is what it is... So again, I feel like I've watched myself find myself. When everyone else was partying and being crazy, I was reading books and studying and watching. I was always watching. I was learning and alongside that learning I was digging deep within myself to heal my soul. I was remembering things I didn't want to remember. I was saying goodbye to demons and shaking hands with suicide when everyone was getting crazy on frat row. My troubles were bigger then... bigger than what most 19 year olds should know. So in between all that, I really, really found me. I didn't find me the way everyone has to go crazy and do dumb shit and then live. No, listening to my inner voice and finding the strength the carry on is what lead me to my true self. Now, I'm tapping into that true self even more....
I imagine my mother will think my tattoo is out of character, as was my recent dabble in risqué photography. In some ways, I'm sure most of the people who think they know me will go "wow, she's different now." But the truth is, I'm not. I've always been a little dark. I've always been a little goth. I've always been off kilter, but in that fun eccentric kind of way. My interests are in the medieval, macabre, strange, dark, twisted... I've never done anything for attention.
I AM ME.
This person that seems to be more prevalent at 30 years old, has always been here. What it would seem is that now, I'm finally to a point in my life where I am absolutely comfortable with myself. I'm not putting on airs. I'm not trying to impress my friends. I'm not trying to fit in. I've lived with me for a while now. I'm happy that I feel like I can just let me hair down and let it all hang out; the good the bad and peculiar. I do not feel the slightest bit insecure in my since of self. People can choose to like me or dislike me. I am kind, considerate and do my best to do right by people, even strangers, but if anyone choses at any point to judge me or dislike me, for whatever reason, it's really not my problem. Take it or leave it. Take me as I am.
I am exotic. I am funny, I'm a little OCD. I'm nocturnal. I am tattooed with a serpent interwoven through and around a beautiful ankh. I am spiritual and mystical. I am sexual. I am superstitious. I am sensitive. I am too kind sometimes. I am damaged. I am scarred. I am independent. I am smart. I am a worrier. I am logical and emotional. I can be rough. I can be raw. I am vulgar at times. I am ultra feminine, yet a tomboy. I am not black, white, mixed, asian or belong in any category really. I know exactly who and what I am. I am excited to know that I can evolve and nothing is ever static.
So where has all this brought me and you and us....? I'm moving in a month. My life is changing in so many ways. My life has already changed in so many ways. I'm living.
I'm doing a musical theater show... there is a song that brings tears to my eyes every time they sing it at rehearsal.... "The Colors of my Life." And while the lyrics express the differences between those who choose to live boldly and those who prefer modesty, I'm happy that I've found an even keel. I can live with the boldness of "cherry red" and the subtle "dappled green of trees."
Conclusions: I'm happy to be me. I wouldn't change a thing. Love me, know me, or just read the words I poor out of my mind. Maybe it has taken me a minute to catch up with what everyone did at 18, but I'm so, so glad I took my time. I love the sound of my drum. I march to its beat and that beat alone.
