If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything
Everything...
Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you
And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
I want to be your love, love, love
-Rachel Yamagata
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Slave to the Clock
I have thirty minutes to write. I should be doing something like looking at the 3 job postings I was just informed of, or grading papers, or organizing papers, or even eating the lunch that is sitting in the department fridge, but my head is so busy I have to write to try to get myself straight. I think if I laid my head down on this cold, wooden desk I'd probably be asleep in minutes. I'm exhausted. My weekend was spent running around, dealing with teenage emotions and missing my family who was visiting. I know I probably shouldn't complain as my dance students are probably just as tired as I am today, but all they had to do was go to school today. I woke up at 530am and drove an hour to work. I'm working. I had to cancel a much needed session so I can go home and take a power nap before driving BACK to Charleston to work my 2nd job. I was going to cancel my hip-hop class to give myself a little more down time, but feel as if I've been guilted into it. Of course, I guess I shouldn't cancel, but I'm not sure I'll make it. I see why people are obsessed with Starbucks, as the caffeine moving through my system is probably the only reason my eyes are open right now.
I suddenly feel very overwhelmed. I'm being pulled in a million different directions. I have a million different things to say and no time or capacity to say them all. I have felt about a million different things in the course of the past five days and now I'm walking that fine line between standing and falling. I know I will make it; I always do, but as much as I give and give, my soul is currently screaming for me to do something for myself. What that thing is is so very simple. I need rest. Without down time, this is when things start to get a little wacky. The next 2 weeks will be very busy. On the one hand I am very grateful for this as it does not give me much idle time to think about the many changes that have taken place in my life, nor does it give me any opportunity to be lonely, as I very well would be if I were not so wrapped up in a hundred different things. On the other hand, I need a break. It's coming soon, but what I wouldn't give to go home at 2pm after class and just stay there. I hardly have the energy to stand, let alone teach 3hours of dance class to ungrateful students.
I was rather annoyed over this weekends dance performances. I don't feel like my students really respect me. So many of the things I say every week at class that they don't listen to and then when someone else calls them out on it... oh, it's frustrating. I try to be understanding because they are at such an awkward, emotional age, but when someone tells you "I don't want to do this dance because it sucks," that is hard not to take a little personally. I don't know how to express to anyone really what dancing means to me. I watched some phenomenal artists over the weekend. I watched 10 year olds do moves I've never been able to achieve and I found myself wishing I could teach to students with that kind of drive and passion. I might not be able to do it all, but I know how to teach it and I know how to make someone be exceptional. I have no students who want it that bad. To them, dancing is a hobby and not anything serious or worth more energy than meeting for class an hour once a week. My choreography would win awards if my students executed it properly. That might sound snooty, but I see the potential if they would just give it 100%.
I'm down to 15 minutes now. At least all I have to do is walk downstairs. I got accepted to a show I auditioned for. I'm pretty excited about it, but again, being torn in different directions. Even though I told my dance employer I did not think rehearsal would get in the way of finishing the season she still questioned me. I do not think the directors would ask for your availability if they were not willing to try to work around it. I also know they director personally, and while it has been some time ago that I danced with her, I think she would be willing to work with me. I expressed I was unable to rehearse Monday nights and told this to my employer who, as I noted, questioned my confidence. I find that people sort of do this a lot. Just like my dance students, people don't really take me seriously. Is it because I'm a nice person? Sometimes I honestly think it has to do with my stature. I'm not tall and I look young. Therefore people sometimes treat me like a child. I'm just frustrated; I know said employer is simply concerned that I may become unavailble, but good God, trust me! I don't renig on my commitments. I wish all these people, students, jobs (mostly) would just for 5 minutes stop thinking about how things are going to affect them and maybe think about why I make the decisions I make.
I auditioned for this show because I love to dance and I miss performing as part of my life. I'm leaving my current job because as much as I love it I cannot live on what it pays and the effort I give it. I want to move to a different state because my sense of creativy needs an outlet that isn't here; I need culture and diversity. I want to walk around and see all types of different people, and moreso, see more people like myself. I am confident in who and what I am, but I live in an area that is black and white. I would love to be more exposed to Hispanic/Mexican communities. I would love to be somewhere with all walks of life. Although my own roots will never truly be represented, living near or around a Hispanic community would make me feel closer to my heritage. I am proud of who I am, but nonetheless birds of a feather often flock together and sometimes I am disturbed that I look around my current residence and see no one remotely like myself. I don't mind being unique in my looks, but would enjoy the exposure to others who have outward appearances like my own.
Time was up some time ago. I continue to type as my students finish their writing project and leave for the day. Sometimes their infinite questions overwhelm me. My mind is all over the place... There are so many things to think about and do. I'm getting nervous about the job search. I got a figure for a full-time teaching position I need to apply for ASAP. I had originally overlooked it because it seemed to be the same thing I am currently doing and I assumed the money wouldn't be different, but apparently, it's much different. I don't know what my chances are though, as I know of one other person who has already applied. It's a damn NASCAR race in my head today. I wonder who will win?
At least now, it's almost time for the pit stop. I will take a much needed power nap for exactly 1 hour. Let us hope my next post is less chaotic.
I suddenly feel very overwhelmed. I'm being pulled in a million different directions. I have a million different things to say and no time or capacity to say them all. I have felt about a million different things in the course of the past five days and now I'm walking that fine line between standing and falling. I know I will make it; I always do, but as much as I give and give, my soul is currently screaming for me to do something for myself. What that thing is is so very simple. I need rest. Without down time, this is when things start to get a little wacky. The next 2 weeks will be very busy. On the one hand I am very grateful for this as it does not give me much idle time to think about the many changes that have taken place in my life, nor does it give me any opportunity to be lonely, as I very well would be if I were not so wrapped up in a hundred different things. On the other hand, I need a break. It's coming soon, but what I wouldn't give to go home at 2pm after class and just stay there. I hardly have the energy to stand, let alone teach 3hours of dance class to ungrateful students.
I was rather annoyed over this weekends dance performances. I don't feel like my students really respect me. So many of the things I say every week at class that they don't listen to and then when someone else calls them out on it... oh, it's frustrating. I try to be understanding because they are at such an awkward, emotional age, but when someone tells you "I don't want to do this dance because it sucks," that is hard not to take a little personally. I don't know how to express to anyone really what dancing means to me. I watched some phenomenal artists over the weekend. I watched 10 year olds do moves I've never been able to achieve and I found myself wishing I could teach to students with that kind of drive and passion. I might not be able to do it all, but I know how to teach it and I know how to make someone be exceptional. I have no students who want it that bad. To them, dancing is a hobby and not anything serious or worth more energy than meeting for class an hour once a week. My choreography would win awards if my students executed it properly. That might sound snooty, but I see the potential if they would just give it 100%.
I'm down to 15 minutes now. At least all I have to do is walk downstairs. I got accepted to a show I auditioned for. I'm pretty excited about it, but again, being torn in different directions. Even though I told my dance employer I did not think rehearsal would get in the way of finishing the season she still questioned me. I do not think the directors would ask for your availability if they were not willing to try to work around it. I also know they director personally, and while it has been some time ago that I danced with her, I think she would be willing to work with me. I expressed I was unable to rehearse Monday nights and told this to my employer who, as I noted, questioned my confidence. I find that people sort of do this a lot. Just like my dance students, people don't really take me seriously. Is it because I'm a nice person? Sometimes I honestly think it has to do with my stature. I'm not tall and I look young. Therefore people sometimes treat me like a child. I'm just frustrated; I know said employer is simply concerned that I may become unavailble, but good God, trust me! I don't renig on my commitments. I wish all these people, students, jobs (mostly) would just for 5 minutes stop thinking about how things are going to affect them and maybe think about why I make the decisions I make.
I auditioned for this show because I love to dance and I miss performing as part of my life. I'm leaving my current job because as much as I love it I cannot live on what it pays and the effort I give it. I want to move to a different state because my sense of creativy needs an outlet that isn't here; I need culture and diversity. I want to walk around and see all types of different people, and moreso, see more people like myself. I am confident in who and what I am, but I live in an area that is black and white. I would love to be more exposed to Hispanic/Mexican communities. I would love to be somewhere with all walks of life. Although my own roots will never truly be represented, living near or around a Hispanic community would make me feel closer to my heritage. I am proud of who I am, but nonetheless birds of a feather often flock together and sometimes I am disturbed that I look around my current residence and see no one remotely like myself. I don't mind being unique in my looks, but would enjoy the exposure to others who have outward appearances like my own.
Time was up some time ago. I continue to type as my students finish their writing project and leave for the day. Sometimes their infinite questions overwhelm me. My mind is all over the place... There are so many things to think about and do. I'm getting nervous about the job search. I got a figure for a full-time teaching position I need to apply for ASAP. I had originally overlooked it because it seemed to be the same thing I am currently doing and I assumed the money wouldn't be different, but apparently, it's much different. I don't know what my chances are though, as I know of one other person who has already applied. It's a damn NASCAR race in my head today. I wonder who will win?
At least now, it's almost time for the pit stop. I will take a much needed power nap for exactly 1 hour. Let us hope my next post is less chaotic.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
New Perspective
Things have improved. Was it the physical shower which also resulted in the metaphorical cleansing of my troubles? Was it the pleasure of cooking a nice meal and enjoying it and feeling accomplished for that. Was it the feeling of rest and comfort I felt after I was clean and full. I turned on some blues and jazz music and had an epiphany. Music like this stirs my soul. I'm a dancer because I hear this kind of music and it's impossible to sit still. I come up with my best dancing when no one is watching and I just do it from my soul. I wish I knew how to do that on stage, as I often feel like I look rigid; I don't want to just entertain, I want to be up there and perform. The blues piano in the background and brass beside my ear bring out a passionate side of me. How dancing moves me is often hard to explain to people. Do people who really enjoy something, art, painting, cooking etc. do we all have those moments where we feel like we connect to that thing in a way no one else does. I have a new mission. I must transfer my "no one is watching" self to the stage. I know it's the best dancing I do - in my pajamas all alone :)
Note to Reader: Ignore my super introspective, thought provoked self. Being a little buzzed can have that effect, but I swear it's the jazz too! :)
Note to Reader: Ignore my super introspective, thought provoked self. Being a little buzzed can have that effect, but I swear it's the jazz too! :)
Outside looking In
I'm not sure where I am today. The day after so called "traumatic" events is always a little fuzzy and uncertain. For 9 months I've been patient and calm. Last May it seemed like every day was like yesterday and to pull myself out of the hole I was living in was a task and to sleep and ignore the world felt so much better. Over time, I healed and found who I was again. Explosive emotions make me feel like I've been through some sort of war. I've missed this space. My computer was down and while there is always the paper journal, I enjoy the ease of typing as I can get my thoughts out faster and more efficiently in some ways. I had a doctor once tell me I had situational depression, but I think maybe it's more like situational loss of mind and senses; oddly that makes me kind of giggle. My day piled up yesterday. Everything kept going wrong. While I was dancing I had an hour and a half of bliss and my head stopped hurting and I was able to enjoy something. No money, no gas, a forgotten wallet no phone, the demands of the people for whom I work. Going to my parents for a while offered solace and I was able to allow the positive energy and love of home bring me around a bit. I was looking forward to spending a fun evening with friends upon my return, and it backfired so miserably.
So today, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I feel like if I could just sit and cry maybe it'd be better. I don't really know what I need to feel better as I've sort of spent the day in a fog. I wrote a long email earlier which offered some solace, but I'm not sure how to feel about the response I received as I am still mulling that over in my head. Its funny what human contact does. Sometimes I welcome it with open arms and other times I shun it. Right now though, I'd love it if someone would just hug me. A dear friend was saying the other day she just wants to feel wanted. Don't we all? Doesn't everyone in a sense, search for a person, or a group where they feel like the belong and are important. Yes, I want to feel wanted too. I want to feel like I make a difference in someone's life. It was a dark, dark place last night. I came out with just a cut. There will be no scars. I'm not sure even what provokes me to put my "darkest secrets" and most intimate thoughts in a space where all the world can see, but maybe it's what I'm supposed to do. While I know of only 2 people who actually bother to look at my blog, maybe there is some anonymous person out there agreeing and feeling the same way as I do. And if not anonymous, maybe I provoke thought or insight to those who know me and read this. I'm not afraid to show who I am, every bit and piece, good and bad. Although after last nights events, I am always left feeling very insecure and uncertain because past circumstances lead people to walk out of my life when they encounter my demons. Repeated reassurance is sometimes necessary.
I hope in a moment when I take a shower, I can also sort of wash the ick away. It was funny, I bought this new shower gel last night that I was stupidly excited to use and when I got out of the shower and fixed my hair and took the time to put on make-up and make it look nice and wear something flattering. I looked in the mirror and thought "Not bad. This day will improve." I wish someone had of noticed and I wish it had. That sounds bleak, but it's just the way it is.
I have to get out of here. I can't work in Charleston; I can't work in Huntington. I need a new slate. This week I have some motivation to get a lot of things done. Time isn't my motivation so much as my happiness is. I need new scenery and a new path. I'm so incredibly true to my Piscean nature. We need change. It is very comfortable to us to have like 3 or 4 life changing events or even what might be considered crises. It's just how a true Pisces is designed. If you are on a cusp then these traits don't affect you as strongly. Teresa says I'm so self-aware. I hope she's right. I try so very hard to be. It's taken a long, long time to learn myself, but it's something which was necessary to keep myself in check. I have to know what and who I am and I have to examine all the things around me to operate on a "normal" level. I'd be an FBI agent in a minute. I used to want to be a cop for the longest time until I found out what they get paid. Well government agencies are out as I don't think having been institutionalized is something that looks good ;) Interesting how certain choices decide our fate. I made some poor choices yesterday in the blindness of rage and hurt. Yet, I feel no shame or apology for some of those choices. Is it possible sometimes you have to fall over the edge to wake people up? Is it also possible that your screams get lost in a paper cup and no one really notices?
"I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell." I've always liked that line. I have so many things I need and want to make happen for myself. It is imperative that I jump back on the horse. I'm quite sore from the fall, but I always carry on.
So today, I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I feel like if I could just sit and cry maybe it'd be better. I don't really know what I need to feel better as I've sort of spent the day in a fog. I wrote a long email earlier which offered some solace, but I'm not sure how to feel about the response I received as I am still mulling that over in my head. Its funny what human contact does. Sometimes I welcome it with open arms and other times I shun it. Right now though, I'd love it if someone would just hug me. A dear friend was saying the other day she just wants to feel wanted. Don't we all? Doesn't everyone in a sense, search for a person, or a group where they feel like the belong and are important. Yes, I want to feel wanted too. I want to feel like I make a difference in someone's life. It was a dark, dark place last night. I came out with just a cut. There will be no scars. I'm not sure even what provokes me to put my "darkest secrets" and most intimate thoughts in a space where all the world can see, but maybe it's what I'm supposed to do. While I know of only 2 people who actually bother to look at my blog, maybe there is some anonymous person out there agreeing and feeling the same way as I do. And if not anonymous, maybe I provoke thought or insight to those who know me and read this. I'm not afraid to show who I am, every bit and piece, good and bad. Although after last nights events, I am always left feeling very insecure and uncertain because past circumstances lead people to walk out of my life when they encounter my demons. Repeated reassurance is sometimes necessary.
I hope in a moment when I take a shower, I can also sort of wash the ick away. It was funny, I bought this new shower gel last night that I was stupidly excited to use and when I got out of the shower and fixed my hair and took the time to put on make-up and make it look nice and wear something flattering. I looked in the mirror and thought "Not bad. This day will improve." I wish someone had of noticed and I wish it had. That sounds bleak, but it's just the way it is.
I have to get out of here. I can't work in Charleston; I can't work in Huntington. I need a new slate. This week I have some motivation to get a lot of things done. Time isn't my motivation so much as my happiness is. I need new scenery and a new path. I'm so incredibly true to my Piscean nature. We need change. It is very comfortable to us to have like 3 or 4 life changing events or even what might be considered crises. It's just how a true Pisces is designed. If you are on a cusp then these traits don't affect you as strongly. Teresa says I'm so self-aware. I hope she's right. I try so very hard to be. It's taken a long, long time to learn myself, but it's something which was necessary to keep myself in check. I have to know what and who I am and I have to examine all the things around me to operate on a "normal" level. I'd be an FBI agent in a minute. I used to want to be a cop for the longest time until I found out what they get paid. Well government agencies are out as I don't think having been institutionalized is something that looks good ;) Interesting how certain choices decide our fate. I made some poor choices yesterday in the blindness of rage and hurt. Yet, I feel no shame or apology for some of those choices. Is it possible sometimes you have to fall over the edge to wake people up? Is it also possible that your screams get lost in a paper cup and no one really notices?
"I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell." I've always liked that line. I have so many things I need and want to make happen for myself. It is imperative that I jump back on the horse. I'm quite sore from the fall, but I always carry on.
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