Now Streaming: Consciousness.

There are so many things I want to write about right now. I often begin blog posts this way it seems; often there is just so much in my head I want to get out. I realized long ago that idle time for some is relaxing and soothing. For me, it is more like a catalyst for madness. I do not do well to sit and do nothing. I must be engaged, especially my mind. Having time on my hands for about 3 days straight is ok. After that something begins to happen within myself. Rather than being able to enjoy quiet time and peaceful days, I become antsy, frenzied and often find myself trapped within the space of my own thoughts, screaming, clawing and running to escape that place which leads me down dark paths.

I'm multi-tasking at the moment. Studies show that we are actually less productive when we multi-task, but I try not to treat my "dealer" like a dealer and do attempt to know her and engage in conversation. We are discussing her current breakup and she has in turn asked how the romantic sector of my life is coming along. I also recently received a friend request on FB from one of my best friends from undergrad who I have lost touch with since her marriage. I have thought of her often over the years and miss the friendship we had. While I am so very pleased to see that she is the same person, and so happy, I can't help but sigh in watching so many of the people I know move on and look at myself and feel like I've gone nowhere.

That's not exactly an accurate statement... I realize and know that from 2005 until now I have worked hard on honing my skills as an academic. Graduate school took up a lot of time, physically and mentally. While many people were starting their lives I suppose, I was still in school, working on what I hoped would take me farther in a career. I graduated and have since spent my time among academics, teaching and working and doing what it takes to make ends meet. I know I have chosen a different path than other's and that is really the heart of the matter, yet, I can't help but compare sometimes. Isn't graduate school where you are supposed to meet people and find "that person." I really thought I had it. As far as I knew, I had it and life was sort of planned out... I think I'm still recovering from that blow. I wish I did not place such importance on time, but often times I feel like my time is running out. I don't want to be 36 by the time I have children. I know I cannot change it, but point being, I feel like I'm doing a lot of things "late." I want to be young enough in a marriage and and a family to enjoy my kids, not be 65 when they are in HS. I fear often that my views and what has become certain "expectations" of relationships hold me back. I'm not bullshit. I'm no games. I'm about equality and communication. I'm tired of emotional trauma and the one person I've met in the past year and a half that I gel with on all the things doesn't really seem to want the latter conditions.

I try very hard to be in the now. That was something about my life that I had to change. So worrying about the past or the future is something I try to strike from my thoughts. Live now. With my idle time and when the now is uneventful, I suppose my mind likes to try to move to speculation. Suddenly, I overwhelm myself with "what ifs." I suppose currently, my issue is wanting to spend New Year's with people for whom I care and realizing that may not be possible. I don't want to sit at someone's house and do nothing, but i don't want to be in a crazy bar either. I'm superstitious. I certainly don't expect others to be so, but with my superstitious nature, I look at events like the coming of a new year, as something important. It's monumental to be with someone that matters to you... I don't ask for a lot. I try not to anyway. I really just try to fade into the background on most occasions....

I love a man that loves me and we find ourselves in this backwards, upside down, wacky relationship and maybe since I got to halfway have Xmas with him, I got greedy and wanted New Year's too. Really... that's what it's about. Really, I don't understand why/how being 4 hours away from a person for 5 months has made things amazing and now that I'm in close vicinity, it begins to hurt again. Doesn't that seem.... wacky or something? I'll start by blaming myself. I guess maybe when I'm near, my expectations change... for some reason.

It's holiday gloom... that's what it is. Perhaps a bit late it came anyway. A song should be written, forlorn like a dirge, for those of us suffering and inside our heads... I've never been so great at rhyming on command.

Hypothesis #297: I have changed my situation for the better. My end goal for the past 5 years: Secure a job which gives me the monetary amount necessary to live comfortably. With said employment also secure health coverage. In the process of doing all this, my domicile and community must be in a place where I feel comfortable and happy. Therefore, end goal is still "in process." Domicile situation is highly improved with hopes of further improvement. Current end results: Plans are coming together more quickly, but dissatisfaction on some life circumstances still engaged. Lack of partnership and congruent friendships is looming. Patience is debatable.

Hypothesis #298: Life is currently still in a transition period and anything static is yet to be determined. Must have own space. Availability to do so - 9 months.

Revelation 1:1

Dictionary.com defines the term sociopath as the following: a noun - Psychiatry a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. The term psychopath is defined as a noun, also called: sociopath, who is a person afflicted with a personality disorder characterized by a tendency to commit antisocial and sometimes violent acts and a failure to feel guilt for such acts. Wikipedia, although it must be noted is not necessarily a "credible" source, redirects sociopath to anti-social personality disorder, stating that the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual defines Anti-social personality disorder as: "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood." Also, as written on wikipedia, sociopathy and psychopathy are considered to be 2 synonymous names for anti-social personality disorder, yet it is noted that the 2 are not to be used interchangeably.

Since I'm not exactly turning this in for a grade or anything I will stop my research at the root definitions of the words. I have a basic understanding of the 2 and know that I can honestly say I have met people with psychopathic tendencies, or ASPD. In some ways all people have these tendencies, but some more than others as it has been obviously proven. Many of my favorite films are based around the lives of sociopaths - Hannibal Lecter, Dexter, American Psychos Patrick Bateman. I find the mind of these people, true or fictional to be fascinating, yet at the same time, on the real-life, close to home level, a person of this nature is terribly frightening.

I'm not sure how much to say. Whether I use some truth and mix it with lies and create a wildly entertaining story, the fact of the matter is... some truth is contained therein.

Sometimes my mom reads my blog. I don't know how often or when. She often doesn't speak of it. I know people who love me and think fondly of me perhaps read the words I pour out of my brain, often late at night or in the wee hours of the morning... Knowing this, I don't want to cause alarm, but as my previous post states, I read people. I can see truth people don't want me to see and my mind can sometimes put those pieces together. I don't know what I've seen. I'm not sure if my imagination, the writer in me who sees a killer story, is overshadowing, but I've seen something... like a sociopath. I'm pondering the implications. By no means am I afraid for my safety or anyone around me, but I think I've been "reading" things I wasn't supposed to read. Again, a gift and a curse. Sometimes I don't like what I read.

And again! No panicking! I'm safe and all is good... just some things I am sensing and I had to write out of my brain... I had to rely on those clinical definitions to put the pieces together. I'm probably being overly paranoid. So maybe, if I decide to stay up late I'll turn this peculiar notion into an interesting story...