I want to shout, exclaim, pronounce, confess!!! Like, 15 things all at the same time! It is so lovely to see people out and about. Girls in flip-flops and cute springy tops and guys wearing hats and sunglasses; the blare of a motorcycle engine in the distance...
I had one of those mornings where I woke up sad. Not depressed, not tired, not wanting to sleep more, but just sad. So I went back to sleep for a bit to try it again. When I woke up the 2nd time it still didn't fix it. In fact the gloom that seemed stuck to me was thicker and weirder and it's that kind of day when I usually wake up super happy and energetic because before I even open my eyes, my body knows the sun is shining and it's warm. Those days make me especially happy. That should have happened today.
People are wearing green. It's so cute. People just look happy today. That makes me FEEL so much better. The negative energy of the past few days has been sticking to me like glue. It's in my subconscious. It's a taste in my mouth. It's been itching me. I am fascinated by the fact that 5 minutes in the sunshine drastically improved my mood. Oh, how science is fascinating! Perhaps because I cannot remember if I took my medicine last night or not, or maybe because I did and I'm still just melancholy, but to think that a chemical, vitamin D from the sun, was absorbed into my skin, which triggered my brain to produce more serotonin, which in turn improved my mood in a matter of five minutes is really fantastic in its design!! To see science work... Amazing.
But maybe it's this cheesy, corny music starbucks is playing. Or maybe it's also my extroverted nature that truly has a need for human interaction. Hal says I get trapped in my head sometimes, but it's by accident. I don't get alone time much. When I do, I enjoy it, but somehow I also slip into a place where I kinda get trapped. I had to convince myself to go be around people today. I'm not sure why I had to convince myself. I guess... I knew it would make me feel better. Funny, how that love hate relationship with solitude exists in my world. Funny how I have a love hate relationship with other human beings too.
My brain is all over the place. I'm desperately hoping that from 4-11 I can keep this mood and not let the extreme displeasure I have with my night job overshadow that which is good...
I began by saying I wanted to say so many things... yes. My melancholy mood may have also been born of dreams of insecurity. Dreams of people whom I have not thought of in some time, but it isn't the person...it's about what they represented. It would seem that when I get lonely, my mind drifts to times in my life when I wasn't. I remember and recall (subconsciously apparently) those times that I felt total security in a relationship. I miss being loved that way.
WHOA! I digress! I just saw someone with a pager! Did I enter a time warp?
Anyway... a time when I remember being genuinely happy in a relationship. Days like today remind me of Ted, but it's what they represent. A perfection in a relationship. A true and carefree happiness. I feel a little hole in my heart today... not really sure why, but maybe simply missing someone can do that to you. I become distracted by hustle and bustle of students... I wonder if the guy next to me can read my face the way I know I could read his if I were watching him type this.... I also forgot I met him at an English Dept event and he has an old english passage tattooed on his inner arm. I forget what it says, but that's kinda nerdy hot, but not so much on him :( I can feel my muscles relax as I recall happiness and my brows furrow as my mind goes back to that "trapped" place.
I don't buy into the fairy-tale relationship thing... I am a realist, but it is an inherent part of my being to love. I have posted so many times about how I feel in this world. I miss giving someone all my love. I miss receiving it. I grow greedy as sometimes spurts aren't enough... I continue to watch life unfold though. I know that I can change my course as I choose...
I think it's time to go back into the sunshine....
