It's hard to know where to begin, yes, like walking in space, out of orbit trying to touch down. So many things have been going on in my world. There are so many things I want to say and spill and write and scream and discuss and like the shaken snow globe, if I could just catch one flake...
I have come up with two story ideas in the past week. They say you write what you know and well... I know me and I know what I've lived, so I'm still trying to work it out in my head. It's not a biography... although I've had that sort of idea in the past, but rather, taking some truth and mixing it with untruths and taking some characters I know and mixing them with make believe... and I have some ideas... I reverted to the paper journal yesterday. That was sort of a nice step backwards. It was cathartic in a different kind of way to feel the pen in my hand and the rough paper at my finger tips. I watched the pages fill up and re-read them. I re-read them and re-read them. Part of my musings were written down in a chorlted (yes, a Lewis Carrol word) jostled manner as I was writing down phrases from a phone conversation. They were phrases I needed to remember and see in front of me. It's one of the ways I stay strong. Then the other part of my ramblings were written like a journal you may find at the desk of a psychologist. Calculated. Analytical. Academic and professional. (That's where I saw a story idea come to light).
This is my release. My other release, dancing....
REMIX
The above was written on Sunday evening. I don't remember why I got interrupted, but I'm in a different state of mind today so... forward march!!!
There is still so much to write. It's a rainy day today and rain means sleep and I sleep so well. There are many things I ought to be doing, but it was just so nice to roll over and say "nah." Yes, I know, so slothful of me... So it's almost 4pm and I'm in pajamas eating cereal. I have this thing about no matter what time it is when I wake up, I have to eat breakfast food. :)
So as I was laying there, between 10am and now, sometimes asleep and sometimes awake listening to the drone of house noises... I was thinking about changes. Exactly a year to date almost my world was turned upside down. At this time last summer I had pushed myself through the hard part of a breakup. Ted and I split at the end of May and by mid July I was finally feeling better about things and being more comfortable with moving on. I was going to the pool and flirting and being flirted with. I was being noticed and making new friends and the summer ended up being grand fun. I was staying up until 4am and still going to work at 9am! Then I would do it again the next day. I was gaining strength and forming new friendships. I was letting go of my cautious nature and living. I was reviewing the past and telling myself the future would be different and each day was proving interesting and fun and something which to always look forward. I wasn't falling in love, but I was loving that I'd found a person so much like myself. I was loving that I was really starting to be able to see my true friends versus "people ya know."
The summer turned into fall and still friendships grew stronger and I got stronger. I developed so much independence. I think I've always been a strong person, but I was able to tap into a place that wasn't always there before. Hal helped me find that person in a lot of ways. I gained a lot of confidence in myself. I'm different for it and so grateful.
Today, some of those things are still the same. I always relate myself to my astrological sign, only because it is so very, very true. I am a Pisces in all its positives and negatives. I am intuitive and self-sacrificing, yet sometimes a little needy and wishy-washy. I am tapped into emotions in a different kind of way, yet recognize that sometimes I make myself a martyr (not always a good trait). So many things about my sign that match up perfectly. So... today. I'm strong. I look around at the people I know, especially females, and I am so glad to know other women who have amazing perseverance and strength. Teresa has been gone for 4 months or so. She left her support network and all she knew to take a chance. Her situation isn't what she may like it to be, but I admire her everyday for sticking with it and pushing and living and being SO true to herself. Kathleen is amazing. With so much on her plate and so many people in her life who demand things of her and she still manages to be so incredibly kind and supportive of all those around her. I think it's why the three of us stick together. We have will. We are courageous and intelligent. I am so blessed to know them.
So back to being a Pisces for a minute.... Pisces invite change. It is very natural in the life of a Pisces to undergo many drastic, 180-type life experiences. While this is true, some of the changes occurring in my life right now, I'm not sure I really want them or like them. I CANNOT wait to move! I am so excited I can hardly stand it and I'm holding on to that in the face of adversity. I am looking at that calendar and counting down the days and in less than a month, so, so many things will be new and fresh and different. Oh, yes! I invite those changes. (if I could just get a damn job it'd be perfect). Other changes though, like the possibility of losing friends... those changes I don't invite so readily. I was consoling a friend the other evening as he discussed someone who recently died. It dawned on me that while I have never lost anyone close to me to the hands of Death, I have lost people and that pain I have felt in losing some of them, has felt much like death. I have chosen to separate myself from some people, but others, when they have walked out of my life, it's like a hole has been blown into my world. I recognize, for instance with Ted, that I went through all 5 stages of the grieving process. I know I have done this with other people who have separated from me when it was not my wish that they did.
I do not let many people into my world. My previous cautious nature was developed at an early age as a defense mechanism. No 12 year old should ever feel the pain of rape. No 22 year old should have to suffer it again. I do not discuss my past pain in comparison to the pain of any other. We all fight battles and the pain or hurt we have felt from those battles is something which we may mourn with each other, but no one's is lesser or greater. So I developed a "loner" way of life and I'm still that way although most of my friends coin me super extroverted. While this is true, at the end of the day I really march to my own drum. If I let you in, then you must have done something kind of special and those that are "in" I can count on my hand. It has always been a very painful experience to me to lose people who get to be that close. Again, it is like death. To quote from a conversation the other evening "There are a lack of quality people in this world." I agreed with the statement. I look for those people constantly. My super intuition which I need to write about soon, but that will have to wait for another post, knows when people matter. While I may be hurt by some people, I don't usually let anyone in, without knowing they possess the ability to be a quality person. I have experienced quality people in this past year. I know that in the hearts of all those who have touched my life, they are truly good people. Unfortunately, the pull and the ache of walking through this world can overshadow those traits.
I am not naive. I was recently told it is rather frustrating that I seem impossible to bullshit. I just sort of always know... I am not capable of fixing anyone. I learned this long ago. What I do try to do though is bring out the positive in those around me and situations I encounter. My world is quickly changing. A tarot card reading long ago told me... "Wait." I've been waiting. I've been so very patient. I cannot say what will happen next, but I feel things. It hurts so very much to think that as my world changes, the people in it may also go. Right now, I'm afraid of my intuition in some ways. I exist in this plane as a feeling person. I live by feeling. As people go, new one people may come, but it is perhaps an annoying trait to attempt to salvage those things which I hold dear. Teresa says the Sunscreen Song is cheesy (smile) but I love its advice: "When you are old, you'll need the people who knew you when you were young." Is that why I try to hang on?
I'm alive. Living, breathing, fighting, bleeding, crying, laughing, dancing, sweating and sometimes dying... but I'm alive, walking in space... *smile*
